Feeling Fake

[Gilbert Rose]

I had my first meeting with a gender therapist today. I don't even know why I did. It's made me feel stupid. Why do I think I need this? The talk was so open, I didn't know what to say. Where do I start? What am I even meant to tell you? She asked if I wanted help with my feelings or for them all to go away. I wish I would of said the second choice. Just make them go away.

Men are horrible but yet I want to be one. I don't get it.

Mod edit- Anything but trans is against TOS 9.

[Amoré]

Hi OsBunny

Well first off your feelings are just as valid as any mtf trans person. Nothing makes us more real than any ftm. Also I guess you are attracted to woman. The funny thing is we mtf persons ask the same thing why would anybody want to be a man. Well men want to be men. I think ftm are just like normal men they don't like sharing too much on feelings and stuff.

Well let me tell you something I know a ftm person personally and there is nothing fake about it. He is living a normal life got a wife and children and is happy.

I had my first meeting with a gender therapist today. I don't even know why I did. It's made me feel stupid. Why do I think I need this? The talk was so open, I didn't know what to say. Where do I start? What am I even meant to tell you? She asked if I wanted help with my feelings or for them all to go away. I wish I would of said the second choice. Just make them go away.

Men are horrible but yet I want to be one. I don't get it.

When I realised my feelings are real and I really have dysphoria was when I confessed it to my therapist. I also felt stupid sitting there a man that achieved so much in life at such a young age telling her I want to be a woman I feel like I was supposed to be a woman and I want it to go away. Her answer was that she can't make it go away. This is just who I am and the feelings is real because I feel them and that makes me trans. I think most of us on this forum would have taken the second choice if we had a choice. I would, check out my topics and posts and my story and what I lost to being trans.

Also I am bisexual and I would like to challenge you on all men are horrible. I know a couple of sweet wonderful men in this world. If you become a man don't be a horrible one.

Lastly you want to become a man because you have dysphoria it is not something you chose to have we are born like this . It is just who you are and feel you must be.

Take your time and explore those feelings and you would know if it is right for you.

Best of luck

[Elis]

I don't get it much either and the whole idea of me being male was even more off putting. More so than females men are sometimes sexist; arrogant; violent and overly macho due to how they were raised or how society expects men to never show emotions and to never back down even if they're in the wrong. As someone who's looking more masculine due to T I'm not looking forward to having to socialise with cis guys because some of them are how I've described and it''ll be difficult to weed out the good ones. Making friends is hard enough as it is. I'm also not looking forward to the mantle of male privilege that will be bestowed on me just because of what my gender identity happens to be. But I'd rather deal with all of that than try to stay female because of the gender and social dysphoria involved. Trying to talk and identify with females to me is very difficult. I simply don't fit in because I have a male gendered brain.
It's also true that comparitevely we have it easier than trans women because we often look more cis normative and men are less judged in society by their appearance. But it's still hard being trans for us. We're still in the same boat and worthy of being part of the trans community as mtfs are. Each individual trans persons journey, whether they're ftm, mtf or nb, still have difficulties when it comes to receiving medical care; acceptance; dealing with mental issues and receiving employment.
I think when you're talking to a gender therapist it makes you realise how genuine your feelings are in regards to how you feel about your birth gender and the previous experiences you've had in feeling uncomfortable within your skin. At least this was how I felt. When I saw my therapist we covered a range of subjects from my earliest childhood and how I felt about my gender; how I felt about going to school, how I felt after puberty and how I feel today. This gave her an idea how serious I was about medically transitioning and about being trans as a whole. And it made me feel like I wasn't crazy or making all this up; but I do have a real medical issue that needs to be dealt with, not hidden away like I've been doing all these years, which had only badly affected my mental health. Which is why I'm kinda alarmed that your therapist gave you the latter option, unless it was simply a hypothetical question.
At the end of the day you need to take the risk and live as your true gender. You either have the choice of going through the motions as  female and being unhappy or being potentially happy living as your true gender and not simply surviving from day to day.

[Mariah]

Hi OzBunny, Welcome to Susan's. I know your new and that this is all new to. I can understand it is hard to wrap your head around and come to terms with who you are. Many of us have that difficulty especially when we first start out. A therapist really can help you sort through all of this. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[JessicaSondelli]

Hi Ozbunny and welcome. I'm also relatively new to this group and had my first therapy session a bit more than a week ago and it was the best decision I've ever done and I don't think it matters whether I'm MTF and you're FTM....

It was the first time in my life that I presented myself to someone else as the true me. At the very beginning of the first session I felt really uncomfortable - like you - but once my real-me came out it was the best feeling I've ever experienced - probably in my entire life. After a few minutes, she told me that I'm totally female and I'm sure that once you let your inner-self out you will experience something similar. I'm not a therapist - far from it - but I'm sure other MTF or FTM will tell you the same. The most important thing is that you tell her everything, there is nothing to be ashamed of, no matter how crazy and unnatural it might sound to you.

With regards to the mentioned "second choice"... I haven't heard of that magical pill that makes them go away....and honestly I don't want those feelings to go away. We have to learn to embrace them whatever way you choose to go... One thing is for sure, it won't be easy....

All the best
-Jessie

[HappyMoni]

I hope you are able to continue exploring who you are. You have to understand that the world creates a lot of pressure for people who have questions about their gender. It is not hard to understand that you might feel "stupid" as you put it. It is only your first attempt to talk. There is probably a part of you that just wants to run and hide. Just remember that probably everyone on this site has felt the same way at some point. There is a reason you went there in the first place and it probably won't just go away. My advice is to let it play out a while. Give it a chance.
Oh yeah, on the therapy thing, I thought going would be like the psychologists you see on TV. They would  guide me through the whole thing, I would spill my guts, and presto-chango all better. Instead I really had to think about what I wanted to say at times. I had to put in some effort to make it work. I had to realize that if I do, I might get something out of it. Good luck to you.
(By the way, only you decide what kind of guy you would be. Maybe you could be the great guy who ruins the "grading curve" for the jerks. 
Moni

[Qrachel]

Hi Ozbunny:

I think your reaction is fairly common or some variation thereof. I was questioning myself all over the place for a few sessions before gender therapy felt normative (lol).   My therapist and I really rocked once we got into the matter and she gave me a life I still can't believe is possible at times. 

Don't be hard on yourself because new feelings and as yet unknown thoughts occur; if the process is working that's quite natural.

Congratulations on your 1st therapy visit - it's a milestone on the journey.  AND from experience you'll find many, many guys are wonderful, sensitive people whom you'd be proud to know and be around.  If that's where you headed, then what a super life you have ahead of you.  Good luck and enjoy the journey.

Take good care ans stay in touch, 

Rachel

[Tristyn]

Well let me tell you something I know a ftm person personally and there is nothing fake about it. He is living a normal life got a wife and children and is happy.

Not trying to cause any trouble, but there are gay trans men too. Just because someone identifies as male does not automatically mean his orientation is straight, you know? I think you implied that being straight is normal. Maybe I misunderstood. I'm sorry, in advance, if that is the case.

To OsBunny:

Hi and welcome to Susan's!

I know how you feel. I don't know if us feeling male has anything to do with that stereotype about guys not being emotionally revealing and all. But I get like that too. And I can't stand men either. I think the reason we feel such hate towards other guys is because we envy them for their masculine biology, you know? For that therapist to ask you to make feelings go away, makes me question whether or not she really is appropriate for you. Could you possibly consider seeking out an alternative?

You can't make transgendered feelings dissipate. I thought I could and have tried for nearly 20 years. And you know what that did? Made the dysphoria, depression and anxiety even worse than before.

I think you need to have these feelings examined. Its never easy to talk about intimate things like this whether you identify as male, female or whatever.

If "being yourself," or male, makes you happy, feel good and feels real to you...then live as a man. Change your name. Ask to be addressed only in male pronouns. Do whatever, it is you need to do that is necessary in making you feel like a person instead of a toy that only performs for others...cause you ain't no toy. You are a human being like everyone else with some strengths and some flaws.

Hang in there man, you can do this!

I didn't think I could pull any of this off. I got a long ways to go. But seven months ago I emerged within myself with a realization; I am a man in a woman's body, now everything makes so much sense! In a few months, I acquired the fabled letter of recommendation for hormones from my gender therapist. I am not sure you want to go that route, but I can only assume that you do. In march, I will see my endocrinologist for the first time and hopefully be healthy enough to initiate Hormone Replacement Therapy!

If I could get to this point, so can you and don't you dare allow anyone to ever convince you otherwise!

[Gilbert Rose]

I also felt stupid sitting there a man that achieved so much in life at such a young age telling her I want to be a woman

It's such a weird thing to talk about, I think. Although she's a gender therapist, I still hold a fear that I won't be taken seriously. Or, as a feminine man, she won't believe me.

Why would a gender therapist believe some teen girl who wears lipgloss tights and pastel short-shorts when they say they're a dude?

[Gilbert Rose]

If "being yourself," or male, makes you happy, feel good and feels real to you...then live as a man. Change your name. Ask to be addressed only in male pronouns. Do whatever, it is you need to do that is necessary in making you feel like a person instead of a toy that only performs for others...cause you ain't no toy. You are a human being like everyone else with some strengths and some flaws.

Hang in there man, you can do this!

Thank you. I'm not even sure what I want. I've always addressed myself as a man. The first memory of it was when I was like, six years old? I just naturally think of myself as a man. I've never wanted breasts. Never wanted the vagina I'm cursed with. But I'm in no way masculine. I thought coming to terms with it all would make me more masculine, but I'm only becoming more feminine. I'm such a feminine man it's a joke. But at least I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, and being less of a "toy that only preforms for others" as that's differently how I've been living most of my life.

[Elis]

I wish I had your courage to wear the feminine clothes I like.

[Gilbert Rose]

I wish I had your courage to wear the feminine clothes I like.

With my courage, there will soon come a lot of fear... I'm still in education and idk, guess I could be when on hormones, so that's a bit scary! But I think what matters most is that I'm happy. Wearing dresses and skirts makes me happy, and I'd love to wear those things, even when I am all hairy and hopefully have a deep voice 

I think it's important that you dress for yourself and not for others

[HappyMoni]

Dear Oz,

I read a book recently about fear that helped me greatly. Basically it says that fear will always be there. If you run from it, you will feel worse. It creates anxiety by all the avoidance. The thing to do is to do what you need or want to do. Just do it even though you have the fear. Think about all the things bad that can happen. Just tell yourself, if so and so happens, I CAN HANDLE IT. If it isn't something that will kill you, just do it. Most of the time you will find you worried for no reason. Believe it or not, it works for me and I was a skeptic.
Life is a risky proposition. Good luck!
Moni