Hi!
My main concern right now is about my boyfriend but before I get to that I would like to explain my life situation.
Typing this I'm now 18 years old, 19 in 20-ish days.
I never thought I was any different from anyone else.
I'm transsexual. I knew concretely who I was from about age 7 even though it was noticeable before that.
I got bullied in primary school for having mostly female friends, I got called a female name as a way to be mean to me because I had mostly female friends - even some adults called me that. Then when I moved in 4th grade I still got bullied in that way, but another name - and instead of just having female friends, I just didn't have friends.
From age 7 to 17 I had bad adrenal chords because of the stress caused by the transsexualism. I slept about 14 hours each day, I had daily problems with nausea and diarrhea. I'm not 100% certain if all of it were symptoms of bad adrenals or caused by something else. I had a school attendance of like 15%.
I first started going to doctors because of my transsexualism at age 10/11, but they just checked me for a ton of different mental diseases, which I apparently didn't have. They seemed to do those tests because they didn't really know what to do. I quit going to the doctors about this at age 12 and lied about my transsexualism having "passed" because they didn't help me.
Attending secondary school I started to (the little time I was at school) adjust to societies expectations of me (because by my experience at the time - if you don't you'll get bullied and hit) I controlled how I carried bags, walked, talked, laughed, moved my arms.. you get the point. If you ever feel like having a very masculine way of walking imitating a gorilla is pretty accurate. Not really, but almost.
Then my life took a positive turn for once, I started getting medical treatment as soon as I turned 18. It still wasn't too late to get good results as I stopped growing at about age 13. I took a year off of any education so I didn't have to confront society whilst going through the process. I got estrogen, testosterone blockers and other medications I needed; And with help of my parents I surgically privately altered some facial bones and vocal chords.
I started school August that year (I have birthday in February). I still didn't look 100% "female" because estrogen does a lot, it moves around fats, makes the pelvis wider and some other bone changes if you're young enough (like it did for me), makes breasts develop obviously - but it takes time. And more than anything (especially during a puberty caused by them) it makes your mood generally unstable and often really crappy.
I moved about 4 hours (with car) away from where my parents lived for that school year. I got some study grants, loans and I rented an apartment. School went Ok even though I still struggled with social anxiety. The anxiety got better as I felt and looked better.
I had the first relationship in my life with a guy that was extremely tall and slim. I traveled to London together with him for a week (for some botox injections on my vocal chords to help rest the voice after surgery) one week after first meeting him, I did that because my mother threatened to join if I didn't find someone else to, which is the main reason I started to date him in the first place.
During that week it we went along for about 3 days and then.. I'm sure we both were on the edge of fantasizing about killing each other.
He started complaining about that I didn't like any activities that didn't involve spending money - I just wanted to go shopping and to the theater to see musicals whilst he was more interested in museums and sights (which is something I really don't want to join).
That relationship didn't really last very long. The three last days during my stay in London I didn't sleep in the hotel just to avoid him. I had told him to stay away from me, so I actually went around London on my own (using the subway and the GPS on my phone because I really don't own a sense of direction). I found some London chat on the internet, and from there I met two random guys (kisses, cuddles, expensive wines and free food. Yay! Which is something I actually also got from the guy I had to ditch. I didn't mention my past to the guys I dated in London.)
A few months after that trip London to I found the guy who's my current boyfriend, we live together occasionally.
He's actually a muslim that's grown up in Egypt! He loves me. The only times I see him cry is when I'm sad or I cry. He's a bit homophobic, but he likes me. I was open with before we got together him, I actually explained science behind transsexualism, and my past. I think something that matters a lot to him (even though he hasn't mentioned it) is that my past isn't common knowledge so it doesn't have any social consequences for him, so his family and friends don't have to know. He's about 10 years older than me (because I have a preference for a bit older guys).
My concerns about him is that he gets mad at me if I raise my voice or just softly jokingly slap him (which is made him slap my arm once which really hurt, he's about three times stronger than me.) because it's a disgrace to be raised voice at / hit by women in his culture.
Sometimes if I'm mad at him and I try to go sleep somewhere else to get away, he physically drags me back to bed. If I say no to have sex with him he almost ignores it unless I'm really consistent.
To top it he once had sex with me when I really didn't want to - he held me down so I couldn't move, and I said no about 50 times. That incident almost made him lose me. He was extremely sad about it.
Even after that when he gets mad at me he says loudly to himself that "you shouldn't hit women" the thought that he actually thinks about hitting me really scares me. He hit my arm once so I don't know what could happen if he just loses it like he did when he raped me. I'm scared. But I REALLY want the relationship to work. I love him. He loves me. I don't doubt it. I just don't know what to do.
