Are we selfish?

[JessicaSondelli]

My wife - I came out to her just a few weeks ago - keeps calling me a selfish person because I finally decided to transition. She also told me that fathering our children was a grossly negligent act while knowing I was trans.... She is really struggling hard to accept that her husband is in fact a woman and during a recent joint therapy session she almost fainted because my GT kept using female pronouns when referring to me in front of her...

I have my next therapy session - alone - next week and I'm expecting her to give me the reference letter for the endo but I'm struggling really hard right now with myself because I decided pro-transition - I see no other way - and since my wife cannot accept the female me - especially in front of the kids - she will move away with the kids... at least for now.... I feel really bad and selfish....

Life sucks!
-Jessie

[Dena]

I don't think selfish is the word and I can't really think of a word that fits. The problem is TG or not, humans have found a infinite number of ways to mess up their lives. We don't plan or wish it to turn out that way but the unexpected happens and things turn out in a way that if we could change it, we would. There is a very old saying that you may have heard before "best-laid plans of mice and men oft(en) go astray" which reduces it to a few simple words.

When this happens, you only have two options. Let it fester and get worst or pick up the pieces and try to put something back together again. Attending therapy is a good start towards building a future. I don't know which option your wife will pick, but i hope she attempts to build the best future possible.

[Ms Grace]

Short answer. Yes.

Transition is one of the most selfish things we can do - we are doing it for no one else other than ourselves, our sanity, our peace of mind. But you know what? That is OK. And who knows, when we have transitioned and become ourselves and are better able to function in society and contribute better to it because of that then maybe it will turn out we weren't so "selfish" after all.

It sounds like your wife is confusing your need to transition with some nefarious deception and/or random lifestyle choice. The sense of deception and betrayal is common with SOs whose partners come out as trans. A lot of them say their partner should have told them before marriage, or before children and sure, they have reasonable grounds to expect transparency, but they often can't or won't see or understand why we keep it to ourselves as a shameful, fearful secret...until we no longer can.

So yes we are selfish, but not for the reasons others imagine.

[Mariah]

Jessica, each of transition because we need to because of who we are. I suppose one could view that as a selfish act, but in fact we do so because have to and that our own survival depends on our transitioning. I know it can be difficult seeing your relationship with your wife fall apart as you move forward. I can only hope in the long run things improve between the two of you. It's wonderful your attending therapy already and that is a step in moving forward both in your transition, but your life. Ultimately your spouse can't live your life and only you can. I can only hope in time she understands that. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Laura_Squirrel]

I don't really see transitioning as being a selfish act. Not at all. I remember the first time that my mom threw that "you are just being selfish" line at me a long time ago. I told her the truth: I wasn't selfish at all. The only reason I kept it to myself, (well, from age 13 onward anyway. From 4 to 12, I gave off so many signs it was absurd), was that I didn't want to burden her.

I told her if I truly was selfish, I would have blown my brains out at age 10 and let them deal with the aftermath. I would have considered THAT to be selfish. But, I didn't. I stuck around ONLY because of her and the rest of my family. I certainly wasn't enjoying my life at that point. (Being bullied and all of that crap)

I also brought up how, again, I didn't bring up transitioning at age 19, because she was divorcing my dad and I didn't want to throw more stuff on top of what she was going through. Of course, she tells me now that none of it would have mattered and we would have did this and did that, yadda, yadda, yadda. But, I remember how things were and how everyone was reacting. (Even though they weren't able to put 2 and 2 together. )

But, eventually a decade went by and I finally did what I had to do. Yeah, it caused a lot of problems at first. But, after a few years, everyone (well...most of them) saw that this is what I truly needed to do.

I'm sure they would prefer my current situation to going and grooming my grave a couple times a year. Because that was exactly was where I was headed.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Jessica,
If your wife just heard a few weeks ago, she is probably experiencing whiplash. You probably thought about this a long time, maybe all of your life. Might I suggest considering giving her some adjustment time. Many times our first response isn't the way we really feel. People need time to come to terms with such a big change. Maybe she could talk to someone without you? I wish you luck.
Moni

[JessicaSondelli]

Jessica, each of transition because we need to because of who we are. I suppose one could view that as a selfish act, but in fact we do so because have to and that our own survival depends on our transitioning. I know it can be difficult seeing your relationship with your wife fall apart as you move forward. I can only hope in the long run things improve between the two of you. It's wonderful your attending therapy already and that is a step in moving forward both in your transition, but your life. Ultimately your spouse can't live your life and only you can. I can only hope in time she understands that. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Thanks Mariah - especially for the hugs

my relationship with my wife has been falling apart way before I came out to her. I've been a terrible husband and father mostly because I was there physically but mentally I was far away.... 

She now calls me a liar and tells me that she could never trust me anymore as our entire life was based on a bunch of lies... If she only would understand that I was just too ashamed to ever tell her about those feelings that I wasn't even sure what they were.

Her biggest fear now is that our kids could "get it", too which makes me feel like I have some highly addictive disease like ebola while I personally don't hate being trans - I don't even think I would choose - if I could - to wakeup tomorrow morning as a normal cis-male. Does this make sense?

Love
-J

[Mariah]

Your welcome. It completely makes sense. It's hard for some to grasp and as a result of not having their own frame of reference some think you can catch it as a result. I can only hope in time that we can educate people so they understand that this isn't something you catch. I can only hope your spouse understands that some  day. Hang in there. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks Mariah - especially for the hugs

my relationship with my wife has been falling apart way before I came out to her. I've been a terrible husband and father mostly because I was there physically but mentally I was far away.... 

She now calls me a liar and tells me that she could never trust me anymore as our entire life was based on a bunch of lies... If she only would understand that I was just too ashamed to ever tell her about those feelings that I wasn't even sure what they were.

Her biggest fear now is that our kids could "get it", too which makes me feel like I have some highly addictive disease like ebola while I personally don't hate being trans - I don't even think I would choose - if I could - to wakeup tomorrow morning as a normal cis-male. Does this make sense?

Love
-J

[Eevee]

When I see questions like this, I have to redirect the question slightly.

If we are selfish, is there something inherently wrong with that? I've been selfless at my expense most of my life. I've gone out of my way to help and heal others. It has halted my own progress through life and I've suffered greatly for it. Now I'm being selfish and I'm owning it. I'm not doing it to spite anyone. I'm doing it because I need it to survive after going so long without it. I never stopped caring about others. I just started caring about myself for once.

[V M]

Some people are rather selfish and self serving, others not so much

Seems there could be a balance found between selfishness and consideration for others where all individuals find harmony 

But this balance can only be achieved by each individual having the ability to obtain confidence within themselves while still being able reach out to help others

Often conceit, greed and insecurity will obstruct such ability

[michelleh]

My wife called her Employee Assistance Program (EAP) shortly after I came out to her.

It was scary for her to admit who because she started the call saying "a family member" just announced that they were trans. She was glad that she told them "who" because they connected her with an awesome, compassionate woman therapist for a phone consultation. We trans are excited about finally being "out", but for the mate, it can be like slowly watching a loved one die (to be reborn as a better person for certain, but it takes time for others to feel it). The therapist advised my wife of some things she could expect/anticipate and told her about the books My Husband Betty and She's Not The Man I Married. Reading these, plus being honest about our feelings, have really helped both of us during these past few months of being "under the radar" with family and others. 

You're acknowledging who you are. Please be gentle with yourself and with your wife. Blessings.

[Tamika Olivia]

"Selfish" is such a nonsense, broad, loaded term. Nearly every, maybe all, human actions are selfish. They are motivated on some level by self interest, either direct benefit or protecting the ego.

It is selfish to transition. It is also selfish to prevent a trans person from transitioning. How do you resolve the competing selfish motives? Utility!

In the transition scenario, the trans person gets to get a whole bunch of utility, because they are aligning their mind and body. Nearly everyone who gets on board gets utility, because they get to know the best version of the person they care about. Children get better parents, friends get better friends, businesses get better employees. Mostly, it's only the unsupportive who lose utility. About the only supportive person I can see that loses utility is a spouse without sexual fluidity. They lose a romantic partner, but can recoup most of that with a gain of a great friend or co-parent.

In the preventing transition scenario the trans person who needs to transition loses a lot of utility. In some cases all of it. We can't turn off the part of our brains that needs to transition, so we just slowly drive ourselves into depression, anxiety, and other bad parts of brain town. The people that rely on this person who is circling the drain, the ones that would have supported transition, also lose utility. The ones that *may* gain utility are those that would not have supported, and they can only gain if the utility they gain from preventing the transition outweighs the losses derived from the collapse of the trans person.

Basically, put on a balance, it's hard to think of a scenario when preventing a necessary transition leads to a net increase of utility in the world.

[suzifrommd]

Is it selfish for your wife to live as a woman? If you demanded she live as a man and she refused, would it be reasonable to call her selfish?

Given that the answer to this question is pretty clearly "no", I don't see why it's reasonable to call us selfish to want to be ourselves either.

A better question might be, is it selfish to ask a trans woman to continue to live a lie and not be herself?

[Asche]

Since I kind of grew up with the conviction that my misery didn't matter, a conviction that I've never been able to really shake, I have a different way of answering this:

I have two children.  (Okay, they're in their 20's, but only chronologically.)  What do they need?  Some miserable, depressed parent who is likely to die soon because he can't look forward to anything except being dead?  A parent who preaches honesty but is all too obviously living a lie?

The claim that you're harming your children by transitioning is, pardon my French, BS.  Your kids may not like it, but then, they probably don't like having to go to school or cleaning up their room, either.  In the long run, though, they need an honest parent, one who can give of their entire self, rather than a fraud.  (And what kind of example does that set them, if you and your wife in effect run away when faced with something tough?)

And that's the point.  People who insist you should deny your TG nature are asking you to participate in a lie, a mutual lie to spare them a momentary bit of inconvenience.  It's like painting over dry rot -- in the long run, the lie will spread and ruin everything until the whole structure collapses.  Better in the long run to dig out and remove the dry rot (the lie) as soon as you see it.

I mean, if you'd broken your leg, going on walking around on it would, in the (very!) short run, spare the people around you some hassle, but of course in the long run, it would be a whole lot worse for everyone.

I understand the desire to deny it.  If you break your leg, usually the first thought is like, no, this isn't happening, can't I pretend it's just a bad bruise?  But you have to address it, and address it promptly, to avoid much bigger problems down the road.

[Qrachel]

Short answer. Yes.

Transition is one of the most selfish things we can do - we are doing it for no one else other than ourselves, our sanity, our peace of mind. But you know what? That is OK. And who knows, when we have transitioned and become ourselves and are better able to function in society and contribute better to it because of that then maybe it will turn out we weren't so "selfish" after all.

Ms. Grace says it well . . . Rachel

[HappyMoni]

There is selfish and then there is selfish. Do you have every right to follow the right path for you? Yes! Is it okay to be transgender and want everything to happen yesterday? Yes! It's the nature of being trans in many cases. Right? I see it as finally paying attention to your needs that you probably ignored for so long. Selfish? I wouldn't say so.

On the other hand, and I don't know your relationship, it kind of sounds selfish for you to expect her to adjust overnight. You are ready to move like greased lightening while she is at a totally different place. She sounds protective of the kids. Did she just have the baby recently? Has she had a chance to  talk to someone about the subject, maybe without you there? It sounds like she needs some facts about what being transgender means. Also, maybe she needs a little time to grieve the family she thought she had. Or to just calm down a bit!

All I am saying is every transgender person on this planet probably wants to be respected by others. Don't we have a bit of responsibility to try to respect the feelings of others as well? In your case, even if you split up, you will still have to deal with her, hopefully in a good way, for the benefit of your kids. Maybe trying to see how she feels and giving her some time to understand might even avoid a breakup. In no way is this saying you should stop your plans.
Just maybe start your new life as a person aware of other people's feelings. I kind person.

Hope this doesn't sound preachy too much. I am married with two kids myself (although older). My family is very supportive. I don't think they would be that way if I didn't show the respect and patience I show them.

Honestly, I wish you luck finding happiness.

Moni

[Tristyn]

For Pete's sake....

Everyone is selfish to some extent. If you never put yourself first, how would you be alive right now? No one can ever be 100% selfless because you need to care for yourself since you are human like an other individual.

When people give, even they are kinda selfish, cause they did that because they wanted to.

Everyone is selfish.....so anyone who call's you selfish are pointing at themselves. Most parents, for example have kids and push their own failed ambitions and expectations onto them because...they are selfish.

[DarkWolf_7]

Or the other way to look at it someone saying you are selfish for doing x is that THEY are being selfish for only thinking about x affects them and not how x might help the person.

[Adchop]

My wife - I came out to her just a few weeks ago - keeps calling me a selfish person because I finally decided to transition. She also told me that fathering our children was a grossly negligent act while knowing I was trans.... She is really struggling hard to accept that her husband is in fact a woman and during a recent joint therapy session she almost fainted because my GT kept using female pronouns when referring to me in front of her...

I have my next therapy session - alone - next week and I'm expecting her to give me the reference letter for the endo but I'm struggling really hard right now with myself because I decided pro-transition - I see no other way - and since my wife cannot accept the female me - especially in front of the kids - she will move away with the kids... at least for now.... I feel really bad and selfish....

Life sucks!
-Jessie

Hi Jessica.

I completely understand what you are saying. My main reason for not intending to go full transition is that I know it could potentially ruin my marriage, leave my child with emotional issues, & that's not to even say what could happen with my career, friends, family, etc.

The truth is that most of us would have been better off transitioning before we met our spouses, but we can't change the past. All you can do is decide what you can potentially live less with, your body, or your marriage. Only you can make the call on that decision.

Dana

[alissalyn]

Quoting my favorite author:

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. And unselfishness is letting other people's lives alone, not interfering with them. Selfishness always aims at creating around it an absolute uniformity of type. Unselfishness recognizes infinite variety of type as a delightful thing, accepts it, acquiesces in it, enjoys it. It is not selfish to think for oneself. A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. It is grossly selfish to require of one's neighbor that he should think in the same way, and hold the same opinions. Why should he? If he can think, he will probably think differently. If he cannot think, it is monstrous to require thought of any kind from him. A red rose is not selfish because it wants to be a red rose. It would be horribly selfish if it wanted all the other flowers in the garden to be both red and roses.

― Oscar Wilde, The Soul of Man and Prison Writings