Excerpt from my Diary (Day 1 - 1/29/16)
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I don't see gender when I evaluate ones personality, I see them. When I look at me, I don't see male or female, I see Lucy.
Gender is a way for humans to make babies, it should have never become more then that. Gender roles should have never been a thing, acceptable behavior dependent on gender should have never been a thing.
We have made gender more then it should have ever been. We have made it a way of life, a determinant of acceptable personality, and a limit to self creativity. We are who we are and we are free to be who we are regardless of our role in sex, it's just wrong in everyway.
We have made gender everything in this world; from what jobs we can have, to how we act, to what toys we buy from the store, to what clothes we wear, to who we spend eternity with, to what team we are on in sports, and much, much more.
Male and female was never meant to be more then what role we take in sex, but we've made it so much more and look were it has landed the world... Look were it has landed me...
You know screw the lies, I don't identify as male nor female, I identify as Lucy and Lucy alone. Not Lucy the male nor Lucy the female... just Lucy.
I am transitioning not because I am a "female" trapped in a "males" body, but because having certain parts, wearing certain clothes, speaking certain ways, and pretty much everything I do is to become me and I will go through any length to be myself.
I am Lucy trapped in a lie I made to protect myself from the world, rejection, and negativity. I always said what people wanted to hear, I always was what people wanted me to be, and I always chocked down my real opinions, answers, and self if it kept me away from my fears.
I was tired of it... I didn't want to hide anymore, I didn't want to be that bundle of lies anymore. Moving out of my parents house was finally my opportunity to just be me and not have to care about what the world thought. I did a lot of things, all legal, that would probably make my parents very unhappy but I didn't care because I was being myself. But, certain parts of me I would have to change in order to capture my perfect image of me, changes that I could not hide, changes I was certain the world and my parents would frown upon and it scared me to death. Here I am, finally given the opportunity to be myself and still to afraid to do it. It was maddening, I wanted to be me but couldn't. I had spent so long hiding in lies that I had become comfortable with them and having a shell of lies should tell you I'm not one for facing fears.
I tried to run back to my hole, but I couldn't, I wanted to be free too badly. I wanted to be free so badly that I came very close to suicide. But, I couldn't do it, such an easy solution to my desired outcome but I took my finger off the trigger anyways. The thought of killing myself was almost silly in my eyes, not as long as there was another way. I came out, out of desperation, it was the only way left to achieve freedom to be me, facing my fears was the only way I could live and death would not have me.
Lucy is the new me, the me that expresses oneself without worry. Lucas, though it may not have been intended, reminds me to much of my past living in lies, of who I am not and I cannot bear to hear it, it hurts too much.
Do you see now, it has nothing to do with gender. It is not a case of female trapped in a male body, it is me trapped in a shell of lies.
I must know, what does that make me?
