Excerpt from my Diary (Day 1 - 1/29/16)
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I don't see gender when I evaluate ones personality, I see them. When I look at me, I don't see male or female, I see Lucy.

Gender is a way for humans to make babies, it should have never become more then that. Gender roles should have never been a thing, acceptable behavior dependent on gender should have never been a thing.

We have made gender more then it should have ever been. We have made it a way of life, a determinant of acceptable personality, and a limit to self creativity. We are who we are and we are free to be who we are regardless of our role in sex, it's just wrong in everyway.

We have made gender everything in this world; from what jobs we can have, to how we act, to what toys we buy from the store, to what clothes we wear, to who we spend eternity with, to what team we are on in sports, and much, much more.

Male and female was never meant to be more then what role we take in sex, but we've made it so much more and look were it has landed the world... Look were it has landed me...

You know screw the lies, I don't identify as male nor female, I identify as Lucy and Lucy alone. Not Lucy the male nor Lucy the female... just Lucy.

I am transitioning not because I am a "female" trapped in a "males" body, but because having certain parts, wearing certain clothes, speaking certain ways, and pretty much everything I do is to become me and I will go through any length to be myself.

I am Lucy trapped in a lie I made to protect myself from the world, rejection, and negativity. I always said what people wanted to hear, I always was what people wanted me to be, and I always chocked down my real opinions, answers, and self if it kept me away from my fears.

I was tired of it... I didn't want to hide anymore, I didn't want to be that bundle of lies anymore. Moving out of my parents house was finally my opportunity to just be me and not have to care about what the world thought. I did a lot of things, all legal, that would probably make my parents very unhappy but I didn't care because I was being myself. But, certain parts of me I would have to change in order to capture my perfect image of me, changes that I could not hide, changes I was certain the world and my parents would frown upon and it scared me to death. Here I am, finally given the opportunity to be myself and still to afraid to do it. It was maddening, I wanted to be me but couldn't. I had spent so long hiding in lies that I had become comfortable with them and having a shell of lies should tell you I'm not one for facing fears.

I tried to run back to my hole, but I couldn't, I wanted to be free too badly. I wanted to be free so badly that I came very close to suicide. But, I couldn't do it, such an easy solution to my desired outcome but I took my finger off the trigger anyways. The thought of killing myself was almost silly in my eyes, not as long as there was another way. I came out, out of desperation, it was the only way left to achieve freedom to be me, facing my fears was the only way I could live and death would not have me.

Lucy is the new me, the me that expresses oneself without worry. Lucas, though it may not have been intended, reminds me to much of my past living in lies, of who I am not and I cannot bear to hear it, it hurts too much.

Do you see now, it has nothing to do with gender. It is not a case of female trapped in a male body, it is me trapped in a shell of lies.

I must know, what does that make me?

Hi, welcome. I'll let one of the mods do the usual welcome wagon rigmarole. First question, when you moved out of your parents' house, was one of the things you did therapy? Specifically gender therapy? It's always step one around here to see if you have started that, because it can do a lot more good for you than stewing on it.

As for your position on gender... I dunno... you seem to have merged gender, sex, sexual orientation, gender roles, and gender expression into one uber construct. I'm not one to see it that way, but if it's how you're processing right now I won't quibble with it.

So, Lucy, get ye to the gender therapist. Talk this out, figure out what your path forward should be. '

And, while your at it, stick around. This is a good community with good people and good resources on hand.

Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 29, 2016, 11:58:21 PM
Hi, welcome. I'll let one of the mods do the usual welcome wagon rigmarole. First question, when you moved out of your parents' house, was one of the things you did therapy? Specifically gender therapy? It's always step one around here to see if you have started that, because it can do a lot more good for you than stewing on it.

As for your position on gender... I dunno... you seem to have merged gender, sex, sexual orientation, gender roles, and gender expression into one uber construct. I'm not one to see it that way, but if it's how you're processing right now I won't quibble with it.

So, Lucy, get ye to the gender therapist. Talk this out, figure out what your path forward should be. '

And, while your at it, stick around. This is a good community with good people and good resources on hand.

I moved out of my parents house around August 2014, I came out publicly on April 25, 2015. I started seeing a therapist around the beginning of June 2015 and started a minimal doasge HRT regiment in late October 2015, minimal due to possible liver issues, the issues have been cleared but my HRT Specialist moved to NY so I'm in the process of finding a new one.

Hi Lucy, welcome to Susan's. I can totally see that. In the end, all we were doing before was living a life that was a lie. I always knew that yet forced to anyway. Just like you, I did so until I just couldn't do it anymore. So true though, once the cat is out of the bag it can't exactly be put back. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Dear Lalese:

Got it though it would be fun to meet over wine and discuss the nature of gender. 

Please get to a therapist see her/him regularly.  Life is opening up and it's up to you to accept it.  We all here get you in one way or another, so please keep posting.

Take good care and a big xx-xx!!

Rachel 

Mabey I was always female trapped in something I wasn't. I mean, what is female, personality wise? Does it even matter? Is there a universal definition(or even understanding) of what female is and what male is, physically and/or mentally?

I don't know what I am anymore... I mean I want to be physically female, always have been, but I'm not sure why. To me, its just been an instinctive longing and the more I search for reason the more I get confused. How can one want or need without reason or am I just blind to my own reason.... why do I want too be female so badly?

The only reason that I am certain of is that it was meant to be and transitioning will make me happier, but there must be more. I mean yes, my personality "mostly" fits the global understanding of a "feminine personality"! When I look at myself, I see female not male.

......Mabey the reason I want to be physically female is so I can express ALL of myself without being rejected for it.  I mean, a guy acts like a girl and most people go crazy, but if a girl acts like a guy then only a few people care, some even think its sexy.

Mabey Im doing this just to be accepted for who I am on the inside, so I can express ALL faucets of my personality without being ridiculed, and so I can be myself and be loved for it.

Mabey I'm just looking for acceptance as who I am and not what the world wants me to be.

The reason you feel the way you do is because changes to your brain before you were born gave you a feminine brain. Society can't change this and it has been tried. For a number of reasons, children have been raised as the opposite gender and they were no more comfortable than we were until they returned to their birth gender.

For me, living as a male I felt out of place in the world. I sensed this state of wrongness at a very early age but I didn't understand it until I hit puberty. I wouldn't say I felt feminine but I knew I would be more comfortable as a female. Surgery has proven that what I knew was correct and my brain is truly feminine.

Labels can be useful in helping to steer one towards others with common ideas, thoughts, feelings and experiences.  However, all to often, we use these labels PRESCRIPTIVELY, thinking that because I am an "X." I should act or think this way or that way.  Even within groups or categories, there is enormous diversity, so best to see yourself as Lucy.  If identifying with one label or another helps you to understand why you feel as you do, then please do so.  If you feel like you are not quite one thing or another, remember that it's the labels that are insufficient, not you. 

By being yourself, you may very well provide an example for someone who feels very much like you, but previously had no role model to look to. 

Quote from: Dayta on January 31, 2016, 12:39:40 PM
Labels can be useful in helping to steer one towards others with common ideas, thoughts, feelings and experiences.  However, all to often, we use these labels PRESCRIPTIVELY, thinking that because I am an "X." I should act or think this way or that way.  Even within groups or categories, there is enormous diversity, so best to see yourself as Lucy.  If identifying with one label or another helps you to understand why you feel as you do, then please do so.  If you feel like you are not quite one thing or another, remember that it's the labels that are insufficient, not you. 

By being yourself, you may very well provide an example for someone who feels very much like you, but previously had no role model to look to.

I agree, there is no "female" personality or "male" personality. There is no mentally male and mentaly female, I guess it's correct to say I'm mentally me.

Is it also right to say that being transgender has nothing to do with personality and more to do with acceptance?

Is saying, like a said above, " I want to be physically female, always have been, but I'm not sure why. To me, its just been an instinctive longing". Is that reason enough? Is that what transgender is, born with the instinctive longing to be the opposite gender.

Feeling as if you never belonged in the body you currently have.... left to fight with those feelings as you try to live as something your not because your to scared of people to seek help. Left to run, and run, and run from those feelings until you can't run anymore... until you break down and giveup to them. Until, you are forced to make a choice between death or facing the truth.... Is that all my life has been so far... me running from myself because I was to afraid to face the truth...... Well guess what, I'm ready to face to truth now and not even death can stop me...

I'm sorry guys.

I'm just having a hard time understanding these feelings I'm having and its driving me crazy. I may not understand the science(reason) behind it but it's evident that it is problem... its hard for me to explain...

Everything has a cause and effect and for the life of me I can't think of the cause, I just know that I'm suffering from the effects. Is that how its supposed to be in the case of gender dysphoria.

If someone were to ask me why I feel like a female in a males body or why I feel the way I do, I wouldn't be able to answer because I don't even know myself. All I can say without regret is that its like a natrual and instinctive feeling of not belonging to your birth assigned gender.

Like feeling hungry, you know what it means but, unless your a biologist or something, you don't know why it happens. I just want to know what to tell people when they ask why.

...and to retract a statement I made in my first post, I identify as a female, not neither.

When I transitioned, we had three unproven theories as to why we felt the way we do. We were raised that way, genetic or something happened in very early development. Today it appears the last two can apply but the last is what truly makes us what we are. I knew I wasn't raised that way but beyond that, I didn't know. It was more important for me to understand why I was the way I was because transsexualism not very well understood and I had a big fear of making a mistake that I would regret for the rest of my life.

At some point, I had to let go of puzzling out why I was the way I was and I decided that I could no longer live in the old role. I lived for many years not knowing why I was the way I was but I was happy so it made little difference. Like Rip Van Winkle, coming to Susan's was an eye opening experience because a question I no longer thought about or worried about had been answered. My brain was different and there was no possible way it would change or my feelings would change.

The only thing you can say is at a critical point in early development there wasn't enough T available to cause your brain to become masculine so your brain developed as the default feminine brain. It is also believed that different hormone timing can determine gay or intersex development.  You will never be able to explain it beyond that because it's the way you were made. Just like hair color, size or looks, you have no control over it and it's just the way you are.

Hi Lucy and welcome to Susan 's. I felt confused when I first came out. I was late coming into this (mid fifties) but came out I did. People tend to lump sex and gender together however they different. Sex is who you're attracted to; gender is what's in your head. I'm not completely male and not completely female but a combination of both.

I loves sports growing up but also enjoyed poetry, music and dance. I agree that putting someone in a field according to their gender is not right. You have male nurses, once perceived as a strictly feminine profession. You have female mechanics, once perceived as a male domain. I'm pleased that gender is being used less as a criteria for one's ability and creativity.

Quote from: Dena on January 31, 2016, 08:54:47 PM
When I transitioned, we had three unproven theories as to why we felt the way we do. We were raised that way, genetic or something happened in very early development. Today it appears the last two can apply but the last is what truly makes us what we are. I knew I wasn't raised that way but beyond that, I didn't know. It was more important for me to understand why I was the way I was because transsexualism not very well understood and I had a big fear of making a mistake that I would regret for the rest of my life.

At some point, I had to let go of puzzling out why I was the way I was and I decided that I could no longer live in the old role. I lived for many years not knowing why I was the way I was but I was happy so it made little difference. Like Rip Van Winkle, coming to Susan's was an eye opening experience because a question I no longer thought about or worried about had been answered. My brain was different and there was no possible way it would change or my feelings would change.

The only thing you can say is at a critical point in early development there wasn't enough T available to cause your brain to become masculine so your brain developed as the default feminine brain. It is also believed that different hormone timing can determine gay or intersex development.  You will never be able to explain it beyond that because it's the way you were made. Just like hair color, size or looks, you have no control over it and it's just the way you are.

You are right, I can't really recall anything before the age of 5 when I was adopted and I'm not trained nor desire be trained in genetics.  But at the end of the day, does it even matter why... I mean, I know without a shadow of doubt that transitioning into a female is going to make me happier, even if there was a 99% death rate for the process it would be worth the risk in my eyes because I would rather die happy then live another second as something I'm not.

Transitioning feels like the right thing to do and I've argued that point to my therapist for over 6 months and she hasn't ask for any other reason beyond that.  I've lost most of my families support and some of there love and most of my friends don't even talk to me anymore. It hurts but not enough to stir me from my path to transitioning and I'm happy to say nothing will, not even death.

So yea, you're right it doesn't matter why, it only matters that you do what you and you alone feel is right and this feels right.