Not "manly enough"?

[Kanzaki]

I recently came out to my parents. That went great, they were completely fine with it. However, they have, and not on just one occasion, told me that they don't really see me as a guy because I apparently don't act like it. I personally don't think I act like a girl at all though. Either way, I'm scared of being told that (and of people thinking that). Whether it be by them or other people. I also have my first appointment with a doc next month and am really worried about whether she'll say the same thing and refuse to give me a prescription or something.

Does anyone else have people say that too? How do you deal with it?

[AbbyKat]

I recently came out to my parents. That went great, they were completely fine with it. However, they have, and not on just one occasion, told me that they don't really see me as a guy because I apparently don't act like it. I personally don't think I act like a girl at all though. Either way, I'm scared of being told that (and of people thinking that). Whether it be by them or other people. I also have my first appointment with a doc next month and am really worried about whether she'll say the same thing and refuse to give me a prescription or something.

Does anyone else have people say that too? How do you deal with it?

You act like you and you are a guy therefore you act like a guy.

Not very many men are Khal Drogo, most are the Seth Rogan types, and some are the effeminate type.  All of whom are still men. 

Be whatever kind of man you are.  Keep in mind that your parents are now comparing everything about you to an alpha male, noting the differences and allowing them to be inflated in their mind.  They likely aren't comparing you to very many other types of men. 

When you meet new people, they likely won't be doing that when they look at you because the average person understands that men come in all sorts of flavors.

[Elis]

I'm quite a feminine guy and I think it's making it harder for family to accept me. I wish I could be manly like my brother but that's just not me and I'm gradually learning to accept that. You're a man because you say you are, not because of how you look; your mannerisms; your voice or how you dress. In many cultures it's accepted that men can be feminine, yet in the west we look down on it. Maybe mention to your parents that would they see a feminine cis man as a man or a woman simply because he acts feminine.
In regards to your doctor it shouldn't matter how you act because you need that prescription for your health. Remember to stand up for yourself as many doctors aren't used to treating trans patients and if that doesn't work don't put up with it and instead go to a different doctor.

[Kanzaki]

Thanks for the replies.

In regards to your doctor it shouldn't matter how you act because you need that prescription for your health. Remember to stand up for yourself as many doctors aren't used to treating trans patients and if that doesn't work don't put up with it and instead go to a different doctor.

I'm not concerned about her having no experience with trans patients, she definitely has a lot (a lot of people go to her). I'm just concerned about her judging me as not being trans and refusing to give a prescription, I've heard that happens.

[Elis]

Thanks for the replies.
I'm not concerned about her having no experience with trans patients, she definitely has a lot (a lot of people go to her). I'm just concerned about her judging me as not being trans and refusing to give a prescription, I've heard that happens.

I'm just using my own experience with my GP. I had to be quite straightforward to make sure she'd give me my prescription for hormones. Hope it goes well for you

[FtMitch]

Most therapists who regularly work with trans people no longer hold to the "must fit hardcore into gender roles" ideology, so you should be fine there.  As for your family... The truth is, in our society, very few men outside of TV are "manly enough" and most men go through their lives trying to prove they are "real men" the way many women go through life trying to be as skinny as a model.  Don't let them get you down.  Sit down with them and remind them that all men and women have feminine and masculine traits.  Maybe point out traits that men you know have which are labelled by society as "feminine."  My dad, for example, likes to cook and cooks dinner while my mom is the one who mows the lawn--yet that doesn't make him a woman and her a man.

I do know how you feel, though.  I sometimes don't feel manly enough to MYSELF and I'm a pretty manly person by society's definitions. It's hard enough for guys like us without family members making us question our "manhood."  I suggest just holding tight to the fact that stereotypical gender ideals are NOT what make you a man, and being as patient as you can with your family.  My mom asked me just this weekend if I was sure that I'm not "just a tomboy."  I just smiled at her and did my best to explain it without holding the comment against her because (in her case, I dunno know about your situation) I know the comment was made out of her honestly being unsure and wanting to know more rather than an attempt to be vindictive.  It's hard to be patient and it's REALLY hard to explain trans stuff to people who know little about it, but stay strong and eventually they will (most likely) come to understand!

[Kylo]

Your doctor shouldn't be in a position to refuse you treatment or medication based on whether or not you're affirming stereotypes.

[FTMDiaries]

The insecurity you describe is very common in the early stages of transition. But it's called 'The Journey' for a reason: it takes several years of gradual adjustments before we find ourselves fully at ease in our new roles. I had similar insecurities, and I had people say similar things to me back in the early days. But after 2.5 years on T nobody would ever in a million years say anything like that to me. I get mistaken for cisgender and heterosexual all the time. 

You're probably stressing about this because it's so hugely important to you. I understand that: I felt the same way. But try to relax: doctors and therapists who are familiar with trans people know that your presentation and mannerisms aren't that important. That's why we have therapy before hormones are prescribed: so that a qualified therapist can see the truth of who we are, irrespective of how we present.

And as for your family? They've thought of you as being female all your life, so everything you've ever done has been framed through that perception. People tend to believe what they see instead of what you tell them, so try not to worry about it: as you continue through transition, they'll gradually see the truth for themselves. They'll have no choice but to catch up.

When people tried to tell me to be more 'manly', I'd remind them that RuPaul is a man, and he's fabulous. So what is a man like, exactly?

[Kanzaki]

Thanks again for the replies. It's great to hear that experienced docs know stereotypes and all aren't important.

My mom asked me just this weekend if I was sure that I'm not "just a tomboy."  I just smiled at her and did my best to explain it without holding the comment against her because (in her case, I dunno know about your situation) I know the comment was made out of her honestly being unsure and wanting to know more rather than an attempt to be vindictive.  It's hard to be patient and it's REALLY hard to explain trans stuff to people who know little about it, but stay strong and eventually they will (most likely) come to understand!

Yeah, my parents are pretty much the same about not knowing, they're not trying to be mean.  I've encountered a lot of other people who don't understand too. It's weird how most people (I've mentioned anything related to) have heard of the term but have misconceptions or don't even know what it is. I didn't really expect that.

The insecurity you describe is very common in the early stages of transition. But it's called 'The Journey' for a reason: it takes several years of gradual adjustments before we find ourselves fully at ease in our new roles. I had similar insecurities, and I had people say similar things to me back in the early days. But after 2.5 years on T nobody would ever in a million years say anything like that to me. I get mistaken for cisgender and heterosexual all the time. 

And as for your family? They've thought of you as being female all your life, so everything you've ever done has been framed through that perception. People tend to believe what they see instead of what you tell them, so try not to worry about it: as you continue through transition, they'll gradually see the truth for themselves. They'll have no choice but to catch up.

When people tried to tell me to be more 'manly', I'd remind them that RuPaul is a man, and he's fabulous. So what is a man like, exactly?

That's good to hear (or read, actually). Hopefully I'll be mistaken for cisgender in the future too, but at the moment, people are often not really sure and ask me whether I'm a guy or a girl and then continue sort of guessing, no matter which answer they are told (and whether it's someone else or me who says it). Then at other times I pass alright (just as a 10 year old kid though) which is great.

I figured that would be the case. I guess it's kind of hard to change how you view a person just from what they tell you.

Don't know who he is, but I just googled him and yep, he's definitely fabulous, haha. He probably doesn't do his makeup himself, but I've seen pictures of guys who have done their own makeup around the internet and it's interesting how they make it look completely professional and fabulous. I can imagine it takes a lot of practice to do all that stuff, I hardly even see girls with makeup that good. Then again, I guess a lot of them just use it to fit in or alter some minor things rather than having some ambition of being great at it.