Hello there everyone! I'm Ciaran, 25 year old questioning between FtM or transmasculine agender.
My backstory is pretty typical at first, tomboy as child and never liked girl clothes or toys. I always felt different because I was, partially due to Asperger's/high functioning autism (three doctors with differing opinions, I just go with I'm on the spectrum
) also due to being more into the Gothic style/scene. I was the awkward quiet artsy fat kid in high school. Thyroid issues from a young age made it really hard to lose weight no matter how hard I tried and also thinned my hair out a lot.
After high school I went on to get my cosmetology license and ended up working at an upscale salon for a while. Overcompensating femininity as a job requirement pushed a button I wasn't aware was even there in me where I started to unravel a bit. I was never a girly girl but to me styling hair, doing makeup, and sewing fashion is just another form of art which keeps me going. I've been called a craft savant but I don't consider myself that far I just like to make stuff myself because I'm very particular about how I like certain things. Any craft or project I pick up I do have a knack for just being able to dive into though which has lead to hoarding many huge bins of supplies. I knit, crochet, sew (especially tailoring, more on this later), wire wrap jewelry, paper mache, do leather working, make chain mail, paint, draw, sculpt, play piano, sing, and write music. One of my aspie special interests or obsessions is psychoactive substances, mainly drug chemistry. I hope to go back to school to work with that someday, my mind seems evenly split between art and science but I know I could make a better living from the science path.
At 19 a nodule on my thyroid was biopsied and showed signs of cancer so I had to quit my job as a stylist when life was supposed to begin. Surgery, radiation, losing all my hair, and two years of misery later I was cancer-free but also diagnosed with fibromyalgia, celiac disease, and a rare sleep disorder, narcolepsy with severe frequent partial and occasional full body cataplexy attacks. I guess I hit the jackpot on health issues but I'm apparently very stubborn since I'm still here, my mother will agree and swears I'm a Vulcan sometimes when my dominating logical side is in full force
As much as I've hated my body for being very overweight at one point and now having loose skin I'll someday need removed along with top surgery, having so many physical and neurological problems, a complicated brain wiring different from most that makes it hard to navigate socially, and being born as the wrong gender I'm finally at a point where Ciaran doesn't have to be shoved in the closet anymore because of other priorities. My health issues are somewhat managed even if I'm still disabled and stuck living with my parents for now but I don't have to hide it anymore. I've come out to my mother and sister, my father and mother's husband don't know yet but will soon.
I've been binding for over a year and recently my entire wardrobe was replaced with men's clothing that not only fits me but I like everything in it. I lost over 100lbs after my Celiac diagnosis so I needed new clothes anyway, the double win there has done more for my self esteem than I can put into words. I don't think I'll ever grow out of my Gothic preferences, I go Victorian inspired for formal attire and more grunge goth casually so I pass as androgynous at best but I'll take what I can get. I'm not really sure if I'm fully FtM or agender and prefer to present as male. I just know that I'm NOT female. It feels wrong and always has if I had only a name for it 20 years ago. I've been sewing for over 15 years and taught myself tailoring around age 12-13 when I realized I was too picky about clothes in stores so started to DIY almost everything. My budget is tight so I mostly thrift and occasionally score some nicer things at discount stores like Ross for Less or Gabriel's.
Tailoring off the rack clothes to fit transgender body shapes does wonders. When a good friend came out to me as MtF I gave her an entire makeover from teaching her how to do makeup, hair tips, and redid her entire wardrobe along with tailoring things to flatter her shape better and seeing how happy she was at the end made me turn into a full on ragdoll since cataplexy is often emotionally triggered. I fall down or flop over instead of crying or if I laugh too hard
Since then I've done a few more makeovers both FtM and MtF for friends that came out after her or I met through mutual others that asked for my help. I've been told I should open a salon that specializes in gender makeovers that covers everything but I digress...it's a fun idea if I were able to work full time. I wish I could couch surf across the country with a sewing machine and help out anyone who can't afford a tailor, it's amazing how a bit of proper fitting can make something unflattering and unwearable a new favorite outfit.
I'm obviously not a very masculine guy but seeing others here like me reinforced that I'm definitely not stuck in the female box if it doesn't feel right. I've never really cared for boxes anyway. Square peg in a round hole you say? I'm the trapezoid hiding over there in the corner now and embrace my quirks. Makeup isn't feminine or masculine, it's face art that helps my self esteem and I find very theraputic. I don't leave the house without filling in my brows, some bb cream and mineral powder to even my complexion and hide dark circles from sleep problems, and unless pressed for time I do masculine contouring to reshape my face a bit and bring out the angles. My hair is thin enough scalp can be sometimes seen through because of the thyroid problems so I'm worried T would make me go bald in less than a year, my dad was bald before 30. If only my voice would lower a bit I'd be content. I have the typical sing-song voice associated with Asperger's. At home I'm very monotone but in public I try to mimic other people to not sound as robotic, as a result I shoot up an octave or two and sound like a little girl most of the time
Anyway enough rambling, sorry that was so long if you even made it this far. I tend to type much more because my spoken words aren't nearly as easy to get out or organize as when typed. I'm just glad to be here and hopefully get to know some of you better now that I'm not just lurking
