Husband Denies he is Transgender, after coming out, he is hiding and I'm fine

[partnerspossibly]

I'm at my wits end, my man, my husband I see differently now. when I look at him I see someone that isn't the guy I married. we have argued a lot and I have scared him with my needs and now suddenly he has told me that his "issue, was of confusion, and that this happens to people"  So now I'm really confused, can someone who believes they are transgender be wrong?

To share a bit about myself from my point of view I come from the mid west and guys hunt and drink, and watch football. I like someone that is dominant with me and takes charge. My husband drinks but doesn't do any of the other things. I love him very much, but I need this to be figured out. I *think* I could stay with him forever (even if he grew boobs) but I need him to be real and honest with me and he is not. I know it. and I'll need help with re-alligning how I accept him as a her. Right now this is just weird. Is it OK if we are platonic but mates and partners? with maybe occasional sex? does that work?

So... how do I get him to talk to me? how do I set the stage so that he knows he is safe? I need real answers and he is a liar (and don't tell me to go t counseling, I hate counselors, they don't need to pry into my life or his...)

[itsApril]

(and don't tell me to go t counseling, I hate counselors, they don't need to pry into my life or his...)

All of the questions you pose are genuine, valid concerns.  Yes, you are entitled to answers.  People here don't know the specifics of your life or your husband's.  People here have varying degrees of expertise and judgment.  You can learn a lot from people here.  But the answers you seek need to be grounded in the details and specifics of your life and your husband's life.

The response I offer is exactly the one you don't want to hear.  You should be talking with a therapist to explore these problems.  And it sounds like your husband needs to, too.

I understand your reluctance to reveal personal and family secrets to an outsider.  But therapists have advanced training in dealing with personal relationship issues.  Their questions are not "prying."  Therapists ask questions because they need to understand your situation in depth in order to help you.  A good therapist understands she/he works for you.  The training and ethics of their profession requires them to act in your best interests, and to keep your secrets.

I really hope you will try it.  The situation you describe must place you under almost unbearable pressure and emotional pain.  Please get the professional assistance you need, so you can deal with this situation in the best way you can.  You deserve resolution and peace in your life.

[JoanneB]

I hoped, wished, and dreamed I wasn't TG for a good 50 years. Add in 7 more after deciding to take on the trans-beast for real this time. Most of us will tell you No one WANTS to be TG.

I grew up in the shadow of NYC in a city filled with first and second generation of European immigrants. Men worked, they drank, they ate, oft time a lot. They hollered, sometimes fought. Most of what you see in the movie epic "On the Waterfront" was my world, besides taking place one city or so over. Most of the Soprano's was filmed within a 20 mile radius of my world.

Men also don't "share their feelings", nor eat quiche. My wife, on the other hand, is a world class sharer, usually going into TMI. She self describes as Pathologically Honest. Her favorite question to ask others is "What are your hopes, wishes, and dreams?" She got an I don't know. No way was I going to fess up to the one hope, the one big wish, the one almost dead dream all but stuffed away forever.

After dropping the T-Bomb I needed to come up to speed quickly on this "Sharing" stuff. Besides having lived with a pro for ages, I got some training by going to a TG support group. When you don't fall victim to the Earth opening up to swallow you, or not so random bolts of lightning landing on your head, you aren't so hesitant to try it out for real with someone you love and are afraid to loose.

Another big problem early on  after coming out is all the inner turmoil as you realize more and more how totally overwhelmed but not knowing. Not having a clear idea of who you are anymore. You start out thinking that after the better part of a lifetime you have some sort of a handle on this. But the reality of dealing with the reality makes you question yourself and look at things in so many different ways.

Especially the "I can really beat it this time" way.

You can try, like my wife and I do, "scheduling" a time and place for a serious grown up talk. Then have a top question or two. The answers to which my be an I don't know, some non-sensical stream of consciousness babbling.  Your questions may not have even been thought about before by him, or too scary to.

Also expect some raw totally unfiltered reptilian emotions to be voiced, by both parties. Even a reminder/warning before the start that it may happen but keep in mind it's said out of love and not meant to hurt. Simply unfiltered. And try not to get sidetracked by the words themselves, rather hear the message.

And then, I've seen it help for SO's, go to a TG support meeting together. How that can play out depends on the group. They all have different personalities

[partnerspossibly]

He says he is "fine" and "all guy" and "was confused" but ya I don't believe him, you can't confuse this IMO.

so things are not blissful at home. We hang out with each other, share the same bed but everything is off. I can tell he has it locked away but it is not coming out.  I have myself to worry about, kids to worry about, his job and career I'm worried about, his life I'm worried about, and I'm gaining weight and not sleeping well.  This makes me so Mad, I can't listen to him! GRRRR!

[itsApril]

I imagine he's scared to death.  You feel angry and betrayed.  He senses that and can't face you openly.  That's why he has clammed up and can't talk about it.  A couple that is able to communicate freely and openly can solve the most remarkable problems.  A couple that can't communicate is just - stuck.

None of this is your fault, but it may be that you have to make the first move by giving up your anger for a while and letting him know it's safe for him to open up.

You asked "Is it OK if we are platonic but mates and partners? with maybe occasional sex? does that work?"  Sure, it's okay!  (There's no "relationship police" that forces every marriage to be the same!)  That problem works out in a lot of different ways.

Emerging transgender issues sometimes break up a marriage.  But also, other marriages do survive this.  Obviously, the marriages that survive are the ones where affection and communication are the strongest.  And given that same-sex marriage is now recognized, a marriage where a husband has transitioned to a female role is no longer as anomalous as it would have been in the past.  I can't even guess how sex might work in your marriage if it survives a gender shift.  That's an incredibly personal question that depends on the personalities of the partners.  But I do know that there are marriages where it works.

And I'll say it again, even though you don't want to hear it: please talk to a therapist.  This issue has hurt you badly.  You are confused, and worried, and angry.  All of those are understandable responses, but none of these feelings help you get to where you need to be.

Think about how your life is right now.  Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?  Sleeping next to a man you can't embrace or even communicate with?  Wondering if your marriage can survive?  Wondering what effect this is going to have on your children?  Please get professional help in sorting this out.  One thing a lot of therapists are good at is coaching people to be able to reopen blocked channels of communication.

And also, your husband needs help, too.  He needs to find the strength to open up and be honest with you.  He needs to see past your anger and understand how deeply this has hurt you.  He has a lot to learn.

We're listening here.  We're for you.  We're for him.  Don't give up.

[Dena]

Society brainwashes us to live the role we were born as. We are encourage to stay in our birth role with rewards and the fear is strong that we will lose everything if we venture very far from this role. It can make us feel we don't want it to be real and there is a degree of security when we avoid dealing with the issue. One of the many surprises I learned about when I came to Susan's is that some people reach the point of receiving HRT and living full time only to retreat to their birth gender. Others like your husband may not get as far before backing off.

You are correct in saying this has to be dealt with because it will come to the surface again. There are few options available to you but the ones I can think of are:
1. You husband need some quality time with a Gender therapist. He is unable to talk to you but somebody without an emotional attachment might be able to make progress.

2. Over time, you need to keep reminding him that the world will not end if he proceeds with treatment. Possibly buying him little feminine items that he can wear in private at first might help him see you have accepted it to some degree. There will be no quick easy fix.

3. Encourage him to join a transgender site. I can recommend Susan's as I know here that his identity will be preserved. Sometimes as moderators we discover people who are related to each other but releasing that information to anyone other than a moderator or administrator is sufficient reason to be demoted as a moderator and possibly banned from the site. Your husband can learn from us and his identity will remain safe until he is ready to reveal it.

You are right that the sooner this is addressed, the better off both of you will be but there isn't always a good way of helping somebody admit the truth.

[Stochastic]

There is a lot in common with our situations. Questioning and a possible transition in the Midwest. My wife has many of the same questions you had asked in the opening and has similar worries. I wanted to pass along that, even with these challenges to our marriage, we are doing well after 2.5 years of working on this.

I will respectfully leave the bulk of the discussion and advice to the SOs here. I wanted to show respect to you and BlindCourage. Best wishes for a soft landing.

[partnerspossibly]

I wanted to share some links I found recently to current articles involving marriage, and husbands coming out and partners journey.

I don't think I'm allowed to post links so I'll say search for "huffingtonpost transgender-spouse married" and you should find them, they are all very current as of February 2016 I think.

they are nicely written and may help spouses here and also have points for transgendered partners that are hiding