Getting Started With a Possibly Transgender Teen

[SFParent]

Hi All,

My 16-year-old son told me a few days ago that he thinks he may be transgender. This is based on his feelings and some online research, so we're just at the start of figuring things out. He hasn't shared a lot of details yet, so we have more to talk about within the family. Meanwhile, I could use some advice on resources and how to find a good therapist to help him/us find answers. He did say he'd be interested in talking to someone. I would especially like advice on choosing a therapist. Obviously, you want someone who has expertise in this area and is open-minded. I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area if anyone has any particular resource recommendations.

Are there any particular questions I should be asking him to get our own conversations going? He's a pretty reserved kid, so any probing questions that might help would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

[SFParent]

Not to be contrary, but what I am NOT looking for is advice on being accepting, patient and non-judgmental. I am all of those things and am just looking to help my child find what makes him happy. When I Googled the topic looking for resources, 95% of what I found told me I should not be a mean parent. I realize the extreme importance of that message, but would appreciate if you'd refrain from repeating it where it's not needed.

Also, yes I'm still using male pronouns and calling him my son. He hasn't asked us to do otherwise and doesn't seem anywhere near wanting that yet.

[Devlyn]

Hey there, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. I don't have kids, so I won't offer advice. There may be something in here that would help until someone comes by that can help.

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Category:Family_and_friends

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Meghan]

Hi All,

My 16-year-old son told me a few days ago that he thinks he may be transgender. This is based on his feelings and some online research, so we're just at the start of figuring things out. He hasn't shared a lot of details yet, so we have more to talk about within the family. Meanwhile, I could use some advice on resources and how to find a good therapist to help him/us find answers. He did say he'd be interested in talking to someone. I would especially like advice on choosing a therapist. Obviously, you want someone who has expertise in this area and is open-minded. I'm in the San Francisco Bay Area if anyone has any particular resource recommendations.

Are there any particular questions I should be asking him to get our own conversations going? He's a pretty reserved kid, so any probing questions that might help would be appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

I think in San Francisco California have Gender Dysphoria Center. I know one in Palo alto California, that when my first appointment. Go to this website:

www.lyric.org

This should help your son with youth gender information. Good luck.

Sent from my Z970 using Tapatalk

[suzifrommd]

Are there any particular questions I should be asking him to get our own conversations going? He's a pretty reserved kid, so any probing questions that might help would be appreciated.

Kudos to you for taking the initiative.

I'd say the best question is, "how do you want to change how you live?" It will get your teen to think about whether they want to present, explore medical options, etc.

Expect the answer to change over time as your teen gets a better understand of what kind of changes are needed.

[Tessa James]

Hey SFP THANK YOU for being such a loving parent and continuing to support your child.  i work with several support groups in our area (Oregon).  The lead institution in our area is called TransActive.  We are meeting more and more parents and their children who are in the same boat as you and its just awesome to experience this change from my senior citizen perspective. 

Your resourceful nature and home in SF is about as good as it gets for resources.  You found us and no doubt there are countless groups near you.

Please let us know how you're doing along the way and any way we an support you.

[BeverlyAnn]

You might try the Transgender San Francisco support and social group.  On their resource page they have a link to Bay Area Gender Associates.  All of them members are members of the World Professional Association for Transgender Health and subscribe to WPATH's Standards of Care.  I can't personally speak for anyone on the list as I'm 3000 miles away but it should give you a start to work from. 
http://tgsf.org/resources/

As far as questions to ask, a lot of transgender people, especially just coming out, are reluctant to talk about it.  Don't try to probe too deep to start with, let the therapist do that.  You might ask if he would like a couple of things to wear even if it's just in his room with the door closed.  If so, hit a thrift shop and get maybe leggings, a denim skirt and a couple of tops.   

[SFParent]

Thanks all. This is helpful. His mom and I had another talk with him last night and it sounds like he's been exploring the topic just for a few weeks, but has randomly thought about it for a couple of years. What doesn't seem to be there is any particular draw toward feminine things. He has no interest in clothes. His usual style is incredibly basic and he's not interested in women's clothes. He also said he's never tended toward feminine activities. He's not big on sports (no one in the family is), but otherwise his interests are typically male interests. He always played with legos and trucks and does nothing but play video games now. From what he said, it's mainly just a feeling and the fact that he's better at making friends with girls than boys. Oddly enough, the same goes for me and his mom gets along better with men than women, so go figure. Anyway, these are feelings he needs to explore, so we're on the hunt for a therapist still. Thanks for your help. Any additional suggestions are welcome.

Oh, I did ask what he'd want to change in his life. That was a good suggestion. I got the same shrug I get when I ask how school was today. I guess time will tell.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. When we first have these thoughts, they are not very clear. My discovery came at age 13 and I was lucky to see a news paper with a story about John Hopkins starting a gender program a few months after I discovered myself. From then on, I read anything I could get my hands on including some medical books I found in the ASU library. As time goes on your son may be able to define his feelings better but at this point, keep the conversation open but don't pressure. It may not be clear to your son what he feels yet and pressure might drive him back into the shadows. I have something that might help until you get therapy started. The first is our Wiki that will explain the different forms ->-bleeped-<- can take. The second is "the transition channel" where your son can explore his feelings and understand how a therapy session will go. Knowing that there is nothing to fear in therapy may help him come to terms with is feeling faster. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I am 33 year post surgical but the feeling your son has are common to almost all of us at first.

[DiamondBladee]

I'm a 15 year old male-to-female, and I have four parents that each have different views and experiences with this.  If you don't know where to start, go ahead and shoot me a private message if you wish.  I know I'm just a kid but I am just as concerned about my parents as they are about me 4 very interesting views actually; rejecting or accepting, and multiply that by being "on the gun" or being more relaxed about it.  Yes, there is a passive rejection method that actually hurt me a lot more...  xoxoxo

- Winter

[Qrachel]

Hi:

Thank you for being responsible and reaching out.  It's not easy for anyone.

I would urge you to immediately reach out to PFLAG.  They are a huge and well respected parents group for parents of LGBTQ children and youth.

Take care and PM me anytime as I have spent the the past 15 years of my life professionally in and about the child-youth LBGTQ community.  I'm not a service provider so I can't counsel people, but I talk frequently to professional groups, have done a lot research and work with some of the county's largest and leading agencies dealing with this matter.

Rachel