Worries

[RedheadWhovian]

This is the last post I plan on making for a little while, since I've posted a lot of questions and concerns, and I don't want to start annoying everybody. :/ But yeah, for those that know, I've been feeling just lousy these past couple weeks. It could be that my hormone levels are too unbalanced (I hope it's that simple) or it could be something much worse, like me having second thoughts about transitioning. In order to help evaluate my worries, my therapist recommended I write down all of my worries. I've literally listed all the things that make me doubt myself, and my being female. I apologize so much if any of this is very superficial and stupid. I try as hard as I can not to let thoughts like this get to me, but some of them could definitely mean something. It's getting so rough. I hope someone hear can help guide me. :/

1. I still find myself trying to act masculine and cool around girls in public
2. My male clothing still feels comfortable, and I don't even think about it.
3. I come up with a lot of fictional stories in my head, and the main characters are still always male
4. I sometimes flex in front of the mirror, or enjoy a temporary ride of testosterone
5. I can't imagine myself yet, in public, as Katie. My friend who is gay, said that you can never picture yourself out in public before it happens.
6. I worry about losing some male privilege. I am very passionate about games, and I want to talk about them for a living. But unfortunately, and this is horrible that it's this way, women are not always taken seriously in that industry. Will I be taken seriously? Will anyone care what I have to say or do?
7. I still sit sometimes in a masculine way (legs open, hand over the back of the chair) and it feels jus fine
8. I worry I can't still be my cool self, and that I won't have as much of a personality when my voice changes, even though I still wish to change it.
9. The thrill of new clothes wears off quickly
10. I can still be aroused by the thought of being intimate with a girl, as a guy. Not to go into TMI territory, but I am finding my sensations in that regard starting to change though.

[Meghan]

This is the last post I plan on making for a little while, since I've posted a lot of questions and concerns, and I don't want to start annoying everybody. :/ But yeah, for those that know, I've been feeling just lousy these past couple weeks. It could be that my hormone levels are too unbalanced (I hope it's that simple) or it could be something much worse, like me having second thoughts about transitioning. In order to help evaluate my worries, my therapist recommended I write down all of my worries. I've literally listed all the things that make me doubt myself, and my being female. I apologize so much if any of this is very superficial and stupid. I try as hard as I can not to let thoughts like this get to me, but some of them could definitely mean something. It's getting so rough. I hope someone hear can help guide me. :/

1. I still find myself trying to act masculine and cool around girls in public
2. My male clothing still feels comfortable, and I don't even think about it.
3. I come up with a lot of fictional stories in my head, and the main characters are still always male
4. I sometimes flex in front of the mirror, or enjoy a temporary ride of testosterone
5. I can't imagine myself yet, in public, as Katie. My friend who is gay, said that you can never picture yourself out in public before it happens.
6. I worry about losing some male privilege. I am very passionate about games, and I want to talk about them for a living. But unfortunately, and this is horrible that it's this way, women are not always taken seriously in that industry. Will I be taken seriously? Will anyone care what I have to say or do?
7. I still sit sometimes in a masculine way (legs open, hand over the back of the chair) and it feels jus fine
8. I worry I can't still be my cool self, and that I won't have as much of a personality when my voice changes, even though I still wish to change it.
9. The thrill of new clothes wears off quickly
10. I can still be aroused by the thought of being intimate with a girl, as a guy. Not to go into TMI territory, but I am finding my sensations in that regard starting to change though.

That why you need these Gender Dysphoria Therapy to help you evaluation to make sure that a correct diagnosed. Just don't rush into things, just let the therapist help you. Transition to MtF is a big step. Good luck. Hugs

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[Leslie36369]

I haven't started hormones yet. Only a handfull of people know about me, but I have started getting prepared to transition. These are some of the things that have stopped me from going the diy route. I have zero expierence with estrogen and blockers but I do have experience e with male hormones from playing football and boxing/mma. So I believe I could go though this alone if I were comfortable, but thats the thing I am not comfortable. Since I was so uber masculine and created that image for myself in day to day life I can't comfortably switch. I have decided to slowly adapt to my new self. I am going to a gender therapist if i can ever find one, and I'm trying to find as many support groups as I can so I can walk in who I am now and slowly dress more and more feminine as I feel more and more like a women. Also, I can make more friends who I can be around that not olny support me, but know what I am going through.

(not trying to suggest I believe you are self medicating. Just my way of telling that story or whatever.)

[suzifrommd]

In order to help evaluate my worries, my therapist recommended I write down all of my worries. I've literally listed all the things that make me doubt myself, and my being female.

Only 10?

When I made a similar list, I came up with a hundred:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.0.html

[Patti]

Only 10?

When I made a similar list, I came up with a hundred:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.0.html

Thanks for that link Suzi. I am in that boat right now. I'm going to put my own list together before my next therapy appointment. I'm nervous and excited and scared and anxious and joyful. It's a bushel basket of emotions as I take flight on this journey.

Hugs
(The other) Suzi


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[RedheadWhovian]

Only 10?

When I made a similar list, I came up with a hundred:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.0.html

Oh uuuh yeah, I probably could come up with that many as well. I just didn't want to give everyone here too much to answer to. Idk. I'm weird.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks for that link Suzi. I am in that boat right now. I'm going to put my own list together before my next therapy appointment. I'm nervous and excited and scared and anxious and joyful. It's a bushel basket of emotions as I take flight on this journey.

I'm glad it helped. The most interesting thing about that thread is the response I made a year later after I'd been full time for a while, what was actually a problem, what had not been worth worrying about, and what was actually a blessing.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.msg1273547.html#msg1273547

[Patti]

I'm glad it helped. The most interesting thing about that thread is the response I made a year later after I'd been full time for a while, what was actually a problem, what had not been worth worrying about, and what was actually a blessing.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.msg1273547.html#msg1273547

I agree the later post was eye opening. Care to take another swing at the 100 from your perspective now?

Also for me the tucking related concerns are real. What happened to change that perspective for you from the first post to the second?

Hugs
Suzi


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[suzifrommd]

I agree the later post was eye opening. Care to take another swing at the 100 from your perspective now?

Sure. Two and a half years out, these are the only things that are still issues:
(1) Dating. After trying to date for more than two years, I have yet to meet anyone who has the slightest interest romantically (though a couple men were willing to sleep with me).
(2) Electrolysis: 2-4 hours a week for two years, and I'm still not done, though I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
(3) Social: Cis women often see me as Different from them, which I suppose is somewhat true. For that reason, I put pressure on myself to pass so that they get to know me as a woman first and transgender only afterward.

The rest of my list either turned out to be a piece of cake or in the past.

Also for me the tucking related concerns are real. What happened to change that perspective for you from the first post to the second?

For one thing, the boys shrank on HRT so that it became easy to push them all the way up into the inguinal canals without noticing they're even there. Also it's a delicious thing to see yourself in your underwear nicely tucked and you totally look like the woman you never thought you could be.

Tucking took a total of about one and a half seconds once I got used to it, so it wasn't a big deal at all.

[Meghan]

I never get used to tucking yet.

Luanne

[KayXo]

Electrolysis: 2-4 hours a week for two years, and I'm still not done, though I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Took me 2-3 yrs for face.

[Patti]

I better get started


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[Ms Grace]

5. I can't imagine myself yet, in public, as Katie. My friend who is gay, said that you can never picture yourself out in public before it happens.

Well this is pretty true. And to be honest there is a massive difference between dressing at home and actually going out into public. The first few times might be very scary but as long as you don't put yourself in over your head and stay safe you should find the fear soon passes.

Social transition is not an easy journey, a brief perusal of the many hundreds of threads on this board should readily expose that truth. There are many people in the world who are trans and yet never transition due to any number of reasons - doubts, fears, health, lack of acceptance and support. Some trans people don't transition because they don't need to, they find other ways to work through it - keep in mind that working through it is not (or at least should not be) a form of denial.

Anyway, it's not uncommon to have doubts. Ultimately the decision is yours and you need to feel certain you are doing what will be in your best interest. You might also want to be sure that your fears aren't due to internalised transphobia or culturally embedded sexist attitudes about women and their abilities/behaviour/interests...because I'm detecting an element of both in your worries. That again is natural, we live in such a cis centric, patriarchal, hetro normative society that it can distort how we see ourselves as trans women specifically and as women in general.

Take your time and work through the list with your therapist. Be honest with them and with yourself.

[RedheadWhovian]

Well this is pretty true. And to be honest there is a massive difference between dressing at home and actually going out into public. The first few times might be very scary but as long as you don't put yourself in over your head and stay safe you should find the fear soon passes.

Social transition is not an easy journey, a brief perusal of the many hundreds of threads on this board should readily expose that truth. There are many people in the world who are trans and yet never transition due to any number of reasons - doubts, fears, health, lack of acceptance and support. Some trans people don't transition because they don't need to, they find other ways to work through it - keep in mind that working through it is not (or at least should not be) a form of denial.

Anyway, it's not uncommon to have doubts. Ultimately the decision is yours and you need to feel certain you are doing what will be in your best interest. You might also want to be sure that your fears aren't due to internalised transphobia or culturally embedded sexist attitudes about women and their abilities/behaviour/interests...because I'm detecting an element of both in your worries. That again is natural, we live in such a cis centric, patriarchal, hetro normative society that it can distort how we see ourselves as trans women specifically and as women in general.

Take your time and work through the list with your therapist. Be honest with them and with yourself.

This helped me out tremendously! Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to help me. ^_^ I absolutely believe that much of my fears and doubts stems from the common gender stereotypes, and the way society portrays us. I am also finding that my enthusiasm for transitioning simply goes up whenever I'm happier in general. Overall, these past couple days, I have been feeling a bit better. Maybe the hormones are starting to shift the tides? Either way, thanks again. I keep thinking of all my fears and worries, and each time, they weigh less than my desire to transition and be happier.

- Katie

[KayXo]

Great to hear.