Transitioning without losing yourself?

[maybe_maybe_ok]

Hello-
This is my first post here so I apologize if it's a little scattered!
My question is- does anyone here have experience transitioning as a butch lesbian, and maintaining their birth name as well? To clarify- I identify as a woman and not a gender non-conforming or genderfluid person. I like my name, and I like my personal style, but I plan on living with a woman's body.

I am a deeply in the closet MTF transwoman in my late 20s, and I think I am finally ready to begin my transition. I have never  told anybody in my life that I am a woman, although I'm sure I have friends who "wonder about me". I am almost ready to start my transition, but i have been dragging my feet ever since I was a little girl so it's hard to finally cross the finish line and begin HRT. I recently learned about the informed consent model of HRT, which is so much less intimidating than the months of psychiatric evaluations that I thought were necessary gatekeepers to the process. I hope to begin IC HRT soon... I told myself i would start after the new year but I haven't quite worked up the courage.

One reason why I am dreading the transition process is that I am currently living inside a very large male body. I have some girlish features, such as wide hips and thighs and man-boobs, but I am over 6'4" and have a deep voice and big feet. I don't expect that I will ever pass, and due to my size I will always stand out like a sore thumb. I am a very social person and I can usually tell when people are uncomfortable, and I fear that a giant transwoman will always draw negative attention to myself.

I know that at the end of the day none of that matters, there are CIS women of all shapes and sizes, which is why I plan on transitioning but staying butch. I don't want to lose my name, in part because I like my name a lot, but also because I am in the process of building a career for myself in the arts and don't want to leave my past or body of work behind.

My plan now is to hope for a "boy mode fail". Begin HRT in the closet, and see what happens. I recently started a relationship with someone, but I don't know if i'm ready to tell her, I may just let my body do that for me, since she knows it intimately.

Sorry if this is rambling, I'm just overwhelmed, scared, but excited at the prospect of starting!

[Meghan]

That why you need to talk to Gender Therapist to sort things out, since we don't know how to deals with all these stuff alone.

Luanne

[Qrachel]

Welcome aboard . . . you have come to a great sight.  Please post often and share' that's how we all add the gift we all have.

Take care,

Rachel

P.S. See my PM

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am tall at 6'2", had a very deep voice and wear a size 13 (US) shoe. I was told by my second therapist that I was to masculine to be a woman. That proved not to be the case. As far as making other people feel at ease with you, a nice smile will do it almost every time. Few of us are perfect when we start but much of passing is projecting the image that you belong. If you are comfortable with yourself and are not nervous, people will accept you for what you are and not question it. Don't count yourself out before you try because you may be very happy with the outcome.

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[Emileeeee]

My plan now is to hope for a "boy mode fail". Begin HRT in the closet, and see what happens. I recently started a relationship with someone, but I don't know if i'm ready to tell her, I may just let my body do that for me, since she knows it intimately.

That was my plan too, but something I hadn't realized happened, so just in case you haven't realized it either, I thought I'd mention it. You'll feel out of place if you wait until total male fail. I hit a point where I was being gendered female about 50% of the time. It made me feel uncomfortable because I was presenting male and didn't know how people were reading me. I figured that if I started dressing as a woman, I'd still only get misgendered 50% of the time. That was the point that I went fulltime, although I didn't make a conscious decision for a couple weeks. It wasn't even close to my planned timeline when it happened.

[maybe_maybe_ok]

Thank you for the replies! I'm feeling more and more ready to sign up for HRT.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am tall at 6'2", had a very deep voice and wear a size 13 (US) shoe. I was told by my second therapist that I was to masculine to be a woman. That proved not to be the case. As far as making other people feel at ease with you, a nice smile will do it almost every time. Few of us are perfect when we start but much of passing is projecting the image that you belong. If you are comfortable with yourself and are not nervous, people will accept you for what you are and not question it. Don't count yourself out before you try because you may be very happy with the outcome.

Thank you. That is very encouraging! I have a lot of serious doubts still that I will ever appear feminine, but you're right, I'll never know until I try it. I know what it's like to NOT transition, and the discomfort from being a masculine woman can'r be worse than my life right now.

[Ms Grace]

6'3" here. Where there's a will there's a way!

That was my plan too, but something I hadn't realized happened, so just in case you haven't realized it either, I thought I'd mention it. You'll feel out of place if you wait until total male fail. I hit a point where I was being gendered female about 50% of the time. It made me feel uncomfortable because I was presenting male and didn't know how people were reading me. I figured that if I started dressing as a woman, I'd still only get misgendered 50% of the time. That was the point that I went fulltime, although I didn't make a conscious decision for a couple weeks. It wasn't even close to my planned timeline when it happened.

This is very good advice.

[Rachel]

Hi, I am 6'3" and I am transitioning.

As far as the SO I would inform her sooner than later. Getting a gender therapist can help immensely.

[Sharon Anne McC]

*

Maybe:

I apologise if this sounds as another broken record.  Gender identity is a separate element from sexual orientation.

You 'identify as a woman'; if being 'butch lesbian' is your comfort, then that is you.

That you choose to keep your name at your own desire means no need to go through all the name change hassles.

'I haven't quite worked up the courage'; it took me nearly three years to work up my courage to expose my circumstance because I resided at a very small community with only a few physicians.  So I read, researched, and developed a personal wardrobe / appearance style / manner in private during those three years.  I knew that whenever I made my first public presentation, that I would need to present as if I were female all my 20-something years, not just brand new that day.

Meaning, Maybe, if you are not ready to tell anyone or go public, then use your private time to experiment with your self-appearance so that you can walk out there Day #1 as if you had been 'butch lesbian' your entire life.  That will also amaze people in your life whom you can safely tell.  They may wonder how you ever were that other 'before' person.

Ah, yes, those good ol' days of 'male fail'.  You'll get there sooner than you expect.  I went from male (1981) to 'male fail' (1983) with no realisation how fast.  Being fired on the accusation that I was F-M was a wake-up notice that people who knew me those prior years as 'male' began perceiving me as female.

I was transferred from that smallish setting of 150 employees to a large corporate office building while still presenting at work as 'male'.  Strangers addressed me as 'Miss'.  One poor man apologised thinking he accidentally entered the women's restroom when he saw me washing my hands in the men's room.

Good for you that you are beginning with an SO.

*

[Jamie_06]

This is my struggle as well. I've spent 28 years building an identity for myself under the impression that I was male, and saying "I am female" really feels like I'm tearing out part of myself. While it does satisfy those annoying whispers that have been in the back of my head since I was 13, it just gives me a new set of problems. I have never been a typically "girly" person, and I identified strongly with a few different male characters which formed an important part of my identity. Trying to be female while still identifying with male characters is enough of a contradiction that it causes major stress on me, like stretching a rubber band too far. Eventually, I can't handle it anymore and then "snap back" to my old self, and so it begins again when the whispers of "I really would like being female" come back after a while. I just wish I knew a way out of this.

[Adchop]

Your question is very much one that I am dealing with now. I have always dreamed of having a more feminine body with breasts, hips, butt, etc. But I also have created an identity through my male body that I will not ever want to completely destroy. My current plan is to feminize my body enough to solve my problems with gender dysphoria, but the question is where is the line, & how do I know when I've crossed it? It's not an easy question to answer, especially if you plan to continue to present as a man, which I do. There is also the question of what might happen when I start hrt. Will I enjoy the changes so much that I refuse to stop?

I saw a Robert Frost quote tonight that best states my point "The best way out is always through". Sometimes you just need to take that first step and see where it leads. That's the conclusion I've come to believe for myself. Not sure if it helps you though.

[Emileeeee]

I still get stressed from time to time thinking maybe it would be better to just stay a guy, but then I remember how many times I've already done that and still found myself in this spot anyway. It's a scary road to go down. Sure you can turn back, but how easy is that really after you've told everybody you know about it? I don't want to lose that part of me that I worked so hard on, but I like the idea of seeing myself in the mirror. I've grown to feel that being able to look at my own reflection in the mirror is more important than all that. Besides, there's nothing that says you can't be that guy with a womanly appearance. My transition started as trying to overdo femininity and I ultimately settled on just being myself, so my appearance is the only thing that changed.

[maybe_maybe_ok]

I still get stressed from time to time thinking maybe it would be better to just stay a guy, but then I remember how many times I've already done that and still found myself in this spot anyway.

Yes. I feel as if I am currently living in drag- as a man. Sometimes I wonder if I can keep faking it as a man, for the sake of my friendships. I think, however, that I am ready to say that it isn't working, it hasn't ever worked, and I need to move on from my male self.

[Janes Groove]

some thoughts:

1.  you are correct.  women do come in all shapes and sizes. 
2.  don't stress about the future so much.  live in the moment.  now.
3.  i like to think of it like this:  i wake up each morning with x amount of transgender dollars.  if i do something really heavy transition-wise like, say, presenting as female for the first time to someone, then i pretty much spend my whole balance of transgender dollars right away and need to come home and lie down and wait for the next day. then i have a whole new restored balance of transgender dollars to spend.
4.  i don't think that a wpath gender therapist is really that big and scary of a gate keeper.  my gender therapist offered to help me with hrt during my first session with her.  she also told me that she can help me do things in the right order. because, apparently with the do-it-yourself approach often the transgender person does the wrong things first and in doing so cause themself some future regret.  i found it a very positive experience.   remember, a therapist's job is to help you feel more comfortable living in your own skin.  also, when doing things alone we are subject to blowing small things out of all proportion.
5. is it that you want to be butch? or would you rather be femme?
6. enjoy it. it's not a sprint to the finish. there is no finish. it's very, very, very long ocean voyage.

[maybe_maybe_ok]

2.  don't stress about the future so much.  live in the moment.  now.

yes that's true. You can't predict the future let alone try to live in it.

also, when doing things alone we are subject to blowing small things out of all proportion.

I hear that!

5. is it that you want to be butch? or would you rather be femme?
6. enjoy it. it's not a sprint to the finish. there is no finish. it's very, very, very long ocean voyage.

I suppose question 5 leads into question 6. Given the choice I would want to be femme, but where I am now I feel butch. I feel like even without hormones, I often have a female point of view, but not an extremely femme one... does that make sense? it may come down to my insecurities about being ever able to pass or the fact that I still have testosterone regardless of my perspective. As I move forward hopefully full femme life will feel more attainable.

Thank you!

[maybe_maybe_ok]

I saw a Robert Frost quote tonight that best states my point "The best way out is always through". Sometimes you just need to take that first step and see where it leads. That's the conclusion I've come to believe for myself. Not sure if it helps you though.

It does thank you

[maybe_maybe_ok]

That was my plan too, but something I hadn't realized happened, so just in case you haven't realized it either, I thought I'd mention it. You'll feel out of place if you wait until total male fail. I hit a point where I was being gendered female about 50% of the time. It made me feel uncomfortable because I was presenting male and didn't know how people were reading me. I figured that if I started dressing as a woman, I'd still only get misgendered 50% of the time. That was the point that I went fulltime, although I didn't make a conscious decision for a couple weeks. It wasn't even close to my planned timeline when it happened.

That's interesting to think about. I suppose part of me doesn't mind that confusion,  I know I always cringe when people refer to me as a man now...  but you're right, I should plan to go full time sooner than I might think now at the outset.
I know it is different for everybody, but how long did it take for that 50/50 experience you described to happen, after beginning HRT?

[Chrissy1979]

I would recommend telling your new partner what's going on. I have some guilt from not being completely honest with a few partners over the years and I wish I could have changed that fact. It seems harsh but it's really not fair to not let them in on something so important to you. They may reject or they may be your greatest ally,  but it's the right thing to do

You sound like you're coming to terms with beginning to transition which is a great start

[AmandaDanielle]

"The best way out is always through".

That is a great quote... and I LOVE Robert Frost!!! I will shamelessly steal that one! Thanks girl!!

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[maybe_maybe_ok]

Today I made my first appointment for hair removal. I'm starting with my back and chest and hopefully working up the courage to do my face. it's my first official step towards transitioning!

does any one have experience living in Guy-mode after having facial hair removed? I fear it will be difficult to explain before I am ready to come out

:-)