Hello, I'm writing some words to introduce myself and for break the ice... that i'm feeling inside.
To Share something about me may be helpful to melt some frozen areas in my soul.
My story is so similar to hundreds of other stories reported by people who are into transition. I've started dressing up like a girl when i was around 4 yo, and among my toys there where a lot of make up stuffs (my mother dealt in cosmetics, so I used the little samples of lipstick and all as a "toy").
I hated, so deeply, to be brought to the barber for a "male" haircut, i get so sad each time, protesting so strongly that my mother started to bring my to her hairdresser (a woman) who didn't cut my hair that much, so i always had long hair, much longer than the ones of other boys.
Growing up, my voice changed, and i disliked it. ... and i never had fun playing the "games" that seemed to excite my male friends... and i preferred to stay among girls, playing with dolls...
BTW, my body has always been very thin, with few muscles, so i get punctually excluded by competitive sports and games, so i spent so much time alone in my youth.
Time passed and i founded myself into studies and then into a job, playing my "masculine" role, trying to fit into social expectations.
I got married and divorced (the worse experience of my whole life). And... cyclically, i returned to my "play" i did when i was a child: crossdressing. I did it even outside, at night, having fun with people who approached me on the road thinking i was a prostitute (i never did such profession... but i found cheerful to verify that i could be considered acceptable and believable and pleasant as a "woman").
Now i'm no more young, and my life is a ruin (lol)... I tried to live as a "man", but i'm so tired to struggle, ... the only relief is to see that i'm still acceptable in appearance when i present myself as a woman (Tgirl) in some social networks, but i feel i cannot hide anymore.
I'm scared, but... i cannot wait longer... Today i have received another antidepressant prescription from my doc, i managed to avoid them for years, helping me only with some light "tranquilizer" to calm down anxiety when needed.
I've already tried, years ago, to "destroy" myself with alcohol and related, inevitable, car crashes (i never involved nobody else but me in those)... i know that those were just some unconscious suicide attempt... now i get over all that, and meditation and self caring has helped me a lot... but the urge to Change does not disappear, is still always there.
It never fades... at the contrary is getting always stronger in spite of time and in spite of any "hoped" maturity brought by the age. There is nothing to do.
So, it's time to face the Lion: i told my doc that has come the time for me to expose my own diagnosis to my so called "depression", I perfectly know its very roots, and in the next appointment (next month) i will expose it to him.
That will be my beginning.
The coming out from the closet. And, yes, i'm so tired of this stinky closet.
I'm 50 yo now, even if in appearance, my body fortunately still seems to have 20 years less, i have already a natural "roundness" in the right places and some little natural breast - too small for a female, but a bit too much for a male (lol).
I'm already "androgynous" in appearance... when i was younger people often asked me if i was a boy or a girl ... lol.
Well i hope this will help, since the age is ... a bit too much - may be - , this is the most scaring thing for me... or may be the last excuse to avoid the transition that must crumble down into pieces, because i well know of other persons who started the transition even later.
I know that many of you that are reading are already into transition, it really needs a tremendous courage, you have my deepest esteem, respect and admiration, i hope to find out the same in me one day.
I wrote so much.... what to say more?
Just thank you for this site, it helps.
It helps to read other's experience and mirror in them.
Thank You. All the best.
With Love,
Aly
