I can't even buy a beer and get drunk because I don't have a job. I try to volunteer at places, but (and there is always a "but") I guess my dad is always right and I am always wrong, like he told me. He says I am terrible and can't do anything right. Every time I try to volunteer, get on the kidney waiting list, look for work, get a new social worker, transfer to a new dialysis center or whatever, the answer is always a big, fat, NO.
I am so sick and tired of living, but I am scared to die.
I hate going to the center cause I have to be around people. I don't like interacting with people at all (except online on the forums here). Face to face interaction is very hard for me to perform, no matter how much I try to describe this no one seems to get it. I ask the social worker at dialysis over and over if she could let me do home hemodialysis...but its always a "NO" because I don't know anyone personally who could be my care giver for the treatments at home. My dad works all the time. Yet someone else had the suggestion to tell her to see if my insurance could provide a nurse. I'm thinking, "Why even bother? The answer is gonna be the same as usual, "NO."
I'm tired of my dad, tired of the cab drivers, tired of my dad's wife, tired of everyone at dialysis, tired of my useless social worker, tired of my useless therapist, I'm sick and tired of everything, including myself. I'm not sure I can do much else in life at this point but lay down and die. Because everyone says, "NO."
