I can't even buy a beer and get drunk because I don't have a job. I try to volunteer at places, but (and there is always a "but") I guess my dad is always right and I am always wrong, like he told me. He says I am terrible and can't do anything right. Every time I try to volunteer, get on the kidney waiting list, look for work, get a new social worker, transfer to a new dialysis center or whatever, the answer is always a big, fat, NO.

I am so sick and tired of living, but I am scared to die. I hate going to the center cause I have to be around people. I don't like interacting with people at all (except online on the forums here). Face to face interaction is very hard for me to perform, no matter how much I try to describe this no one seems to get it. I ask the social worker at dialysis over and over if she could let me do home hemodialysis...but its always a "NO" because I don't know anyone personally who could be my care giver for the treatments at home. My dad works all the time. Yet someone else had the suggestion to tell her to see if my insurance could provide a nurse. I'm thinking, "Why even bother? The answer is gonna be the same as usual, "NO."

I'm tired of my dad, tired of the cab drivers, tired of my dad's wife, tired of everyone at dialysis, tired of my useless social worker, tired of my useless therapist, I'm sick and tired of everything, including myself. I'm not sure I can do much else in life at this point but lay down and die. Because everyone says, "NO."

sorry your in such despair , but people do make it and it's burdensome , but sometimes it's just constantly pushing at the door that finally opens it.

Hi Phoenix,


In order to help you in the job market and improve your self esteem, could you go back to school?

Whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. You can come out of the otherside stronger or give up. We only have one chance at this life, so choose to stay in it. Pick one problem at a time and tackle it like a boss. Your down, but not out.

Hi everybody. And thanks always for your replies.

Thanks for your encouragement. That really made my day. But I have so much low self esteem, I don't have a reason to live other than my fear of dying. The fear of death is what is literally keeping me alive. That's why I wind myself up like an old-fashioned talking doll and quite literally force myself to go somewhere I am not comfortable being at because I have social anxiety that can get so severe that I cannot function well.

I'm not strong like you, Stephanie. I think you've been through so much in life that you are much more seasoned and prepared to handle things that I am struggling to fully accept and/or change. I guess I am so depressed right now over my uselessness and hopeless situation that I do not really see the point in trying to achieve any of my goals right now. Like it doesn't even matter what I try to do, it never gets done cause I always screw things up like my dad always says or I get told "NO," over and over again like a broken record.

Hey Autumn. How are you, friend?

I'm afraid that going to school is one of those things I've been told "NO" about so many times, that I do not ever consider it as an option at this point. Again, its my fault because I let my money-hungry, snake-eyed sister talk me into going when my credit was nearly perfect because she agreed to pay off my loans and never did back in 2012. Because I am not making any additional stable income from work or anything, I think it is almost impossible to attend school until I find a way to pay them off. I have accumulated a total of well over $5,000 in debt cause my sister didn't stop there, she also used my name on her bills! She basically committed identity fraud . You don't tell someone over and over that you love them and then turn around and do that and tell them later that they are a mistake in the eyes of God...... So school ain't even an option....Just another "NO."

Yeah, Hope Springs, I really don't have another choice but to keep existing because I am too scared to end it myself......yup.

Quote from: King Phoenix on February 04, 2016, 01:02:01 PM
I'm afraid that going to school is one of those things I've been told "NO" about so many times, that I do not ever consider it as an option at this point. Again, its my fault because I let my money-hungry, snake-eyed sister talk me into going when my credit was nearly perfect because she agreed to pay off my loans and never did back in 2012. Because I am not making any additional stable income from work or anything, I think it is almost impossible to attend school until I find a way to pay them off. I have accumulated a total of well over $5,000 in debt cause my sister didn't stop there, she also used my name on her bills! She basically committed identity fraud . You don't tell someone over and over that you love them and then turn around and do that and tell them later that they are a mistake in the eyes of God...... So school ain't even an option....Just another "NO."

I emailed the Department of Education, and asked how someone in your situation could become eligible for Federal Student Aid. I'll let you know when I receive a response.

Hmmm....if you are considered "independent", you can file your fafsa and return to school. I don't know your particulars, but the only thing that would prevent you from getting federal student aid is defaulting on your loans. I'm at $70k with I degree I can't use in a field I don't want to be in. (My last IT job made me legit suicidal.) Your situation is a bit different, but I think a "one and done" method would be detrimental.

Without being able to return to school for something I'm at least interested in, I'd have no way of even thinking I'd have a way of paying that back. I'd have to move back to a hostile, transition-unfriendly place where I'd still have a price and a expiration date on my existence.

Sorry...sorry. I regret having gone to school for the degree I have and feel I was bullied into it against my will...

The amount of federal financial aid you can receive is ridiculously high. Unless you spent 8 years at an Ivy League institution, you probably still qualify for it. File a FAFSA and find out! It would actually be even better for you to do it now since your dad legally gets your only source of income. Your expected contribution should probably be pretty low.

Obviously it's inadvisable to take out loans with no income, but look into the careers you would want to get into and see. The general rule of thumb is that you should not borrow more than what your first year's salary would be.

In their response, The Department of Education didn't address your debt issues;

"Thank you for your inquiry about federal student aid.

Monthly disability benefits will not be included as income on the application because that is not taxed income.

To apply for aid from any of the U.S. Department of Education's major financial aid programs, you must first complete the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA[R]). For information about FAFSA filing options, please visit FAFSA on the Web (FOTW[R]) at www.fafsa.gov.

If you need assistance with completing the FAFSA, click on "Help" at FOTW. If you have additional questions, call our Federal Student Aid Information Center (FSAIC) at 1-800-4-FED-AID (1-800-433-3243; TTY 1-800-730-8913) or 319-337-5665 Monday–Friday, 8 a.m.–11 p.m. Eastern time (ET), Saturday–Sunday 11 a.m.- 5 p.m. Eastern time (ET). One of our customer service representatives will gladly assist you.

We hope this information is helpful."

Phoenix, have you recently filled a FAFSA?

I don't even have the will to fight anymore. The only thing keeping me here is not love of life but fear of death and the unknown. If it were not for that, I would be long gone. Like my desire to live is long gone. Only fear of dying remains.

I guess I should look into this FAFSA thing or whatever. But I already know what the answer is gonna be....

Quote from: King Phoenix on February 06, 2016, 12:54:41 PM
I don't even have the will to fight anymore. The only thing keeping me here is not love of life but fear of death and the unknown. If it were not for that, I would be long gone. Like my desire to live is long gone. Only fear of dying remains.

I guess I should look into this FAFSA thing or whatever. But I already know what the answer is gonna be....

You absolutely should look into it, and I'm going to leave the link here for you:

https://fafsa.ed.gov/

My grandfather and parents both essentially told me that I wouldn't be able to go away for college because nobody had the money to pay for it. I worked my butt off in high school to get scholarships, but they were nowhere near what would be needed to pay for school. I filled out a FAFSA and received loans, grants, and work study to make up the difference. The only expense I incurred were whatever it cost to apply to the schools I wanted to go to - which was like $50 at the time. Federal aid paid for everything else, and I didn't start repaying until I was out of school and employed in a job making more than $35k.

Yeah, ok.

I'll look into it one of these days, then. Thanks.

Hey Autumn, Max.

I just completed a new FAFSA for the 2016-2017 school year. I want to do something in the medical field. I put an in-state school first on the list of schools I am interested in attending online.

After I signed it and everything, it said that I may be eligible for Pell's Grant and Direct Stafford Loan.

Hope this works out.

Thanks for the suggestion. Education is my only real way out....

good luck

Good luck! Honestly, student loans are the best kind of debt you could possibly have. Even if it's going to cost you a bit of money to get out of your current situation, going to school would put you in a great position to start transitioning away from home.

Good luck! I really hope it works out for you

I'm so happy to hear you applied! Good luck! 

Good luck with study! As someone who is also being disillusioned with life these days thanks to not having a new gender therapist to see in months, AND another move back to our old hometown in long island, I really want to have hope like you. Like you, for you. If anyone deserves and needs a reason to live, it's you.