Coming out when you're not ready?

[treebird]

Has anyone had experience of coming out when you're not ready/hadn't fully accepted you were trans?
If so could I have some advice? I'm freaking out and stressed. Feel i've come out to early to the world and I feel safer closeted to people a lot of the time. HELP. I don't blame myself for coming out when I did. I did what I felt I had to do at the time but now I feel it's easier to be closeted a lot of the time to protect myself and figure it out a bit more. Can anyone relate to this?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. I sometimes think we are all dragged out of the closet. In my case I knew I wouldn't live any longer if I didn't come out. Telling other was nothing but fear, the first therapy visits were fear and moving into the world as a woman was fear. We do what we have to do because there is no other option. Many times I just wanted to stay in my one bedroom apartment but that was a prison in it's self.

There are others on the site who came out and even started their transition before retreating to the closet. They are now on the site doing what they wished they would have done years ago. You are free to return to the closet if you wish but we will help you stay out and live the life you were meant to live.

Feel free to ask me anything you wish has I have been free of that closet for about 41 years now and the last 33 have made it well worth it.

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[greencoloredpencil]

I came out only on some online forums in 2011 then decided I wasn't ready to come out. I regret that a lot and wish I'd done it then. There might become worse times than others to come out, but I don't think there's much sense in waiting for "the right" time to.

[autumn08]

Could you give us a little more information? Who did you come out to? What was their reaction? What caused you to think you may not be transgender? In what stage of your transition are you?

[XKimX]

Being transgender is a bit like being pregnant -- at a certain point, no announcement is necessary.
Before that time, announcement or not is your choice.  I fall into the school of never saying anything about these matters until it becomes necessary for some reason.  And having no announcement necessary is still no reason to announce.  I lived a very6 private life.

Even if too early, letting the cat out of the bag can be beneficial -- even if it difficult to see the advantages at this time.  If you continue to transition, you no longer have to worry about when/how to tell people.  And if you do not continue to transition, was it not just one big joke?

[Belial]

I did come out when I wasn't fully ready. Or more likely, when I wasn't sure how to describe (label) myself. Being somewhere on the spectrum of T was obvious for myself, and I had no problem with this for the last 20 years. For a while I was defining myself as genderqueer, then I decided to live as a woman (for my now ex and family) for several long years still defining as gq but away from T-people, then as a not-woman past 2 years (away from the community). And then (the end of) November 2015 came. When a transperson asked me which pronouns I actually want to be used about me. I said "male" but said also, I'm rather genderqueer.

At that time I started questioning am I really "genderqueer"? I joined a forum, where I wrote as a male but still didn't even label myself as a "male". So many questions. I told my best friend around 2 weeks later that I want her to use male pronouns to me. No problem. I got a bit calmer after it wasn't only online thing. I came out to other people when it was just "male pronouns for me". It did help. Around New Year when I was shoved the "genderqueer" (but more towards ftm) in my face, I was like "hell no". I'm a guy. Some more people got to know about me despite me not being even able to tell if I want to fully transition or no. I even doubted my thoughts, because what if I'm wrong and I'm just rebelling, what if that genderqueer label I defined myself is really the truth. I came out to more people. I met with the psychologist finally and told her about my doubts. She was "so what if you will make a mistake? Yeah, so what. Besides I always prefered male pronouns. So over 2 weeks ago, I decided the transsexual label is for me and I want to transition. More coming outs followed.

Those coming outs were mostly safe to LGB people and those who somehow did see a glimpse of my T-ness. As we interacted, I was getting more insight into myself. It helped me organise my thoughts and all. I could see my reactions and analyse them too. 1 more coming out (except my family) and I'll leave the rest to figure it out by themselves.

I think that I did the coming out the right way (for me). I'd be struggling doubting my own words. Of course people from my forum helped me and the support group meetings (led by a psychologist) too. I needed all of them.

[treebird]

Could you give us a little more information? Who did you come out to? What was their reaction? What caused you to think you may not be transgender? In what stage of your transition are you?

So I always felt there was something wrong with me but never new what. I came out as 'Gay' when I was like 18 but something still didn't feel right. I then has an epiphany in all my depression and confusion of life that I was actually a girl. I had such joy of this revelation and thought I may not be a freak after all and not destined to a life of misery and unbearable inner turmoil. The problem is my family are fundamentalist christians so I didn't have a positive reaction from them and don't speak to them anymore. I don't speak to any of my siblings even though they are more accepting if I do it triggers the old me so needing time away from them.  Plus I was heavily indoctrinated by religion as well and left the church just under 2 years ago.

I came out to all my friends as well and University, the world..(wore skirts and feminine attire when out), but I moved so fast (I was so desperate at the time to escape the old me). Plus being threatened on the street for being clocked as a 'man in a skirt' really shook me. I had to leave study because my mental health got too much and realised I had to deal with this gender dysphoria plus other issues.
However I may end up homeless on the 14th of February this month and have so much inner transphobia/misogyny to deal with that I don't feel ready to be labelled as a girl to the world. I know i'm trans but it just feels easier and appropriate to hold back a bit and take some time to take it all in. Plus I really need my housing situation to settle down and to find a suitable property for myself to live in. I guess I have A LOT going on and am in a lot of pain and trying my best to just survive through this rough patch. It's intense. Having so many identity crisis's as well. I'm exhausted and hoping I can get through this but do feel suicidal often. I do get counselling weekly, see a GP most weeks and have my first gender identity clinic appointment coming up so i'm proactive and determined to get through this ->-bleeped-<-.

[Ms Grace]

Coming out as trans is one of those things you can never really undo. Even if you totally recant people will remember. If you've already come out there's not much you can do. Just tell people you're a bit confused about things at the moment and need some space and time and respect to work it out.

[Amoré]

I came out too early and my whole world fell apart! I feel that I should have stayed closeted then I would have had my family and all would have been fine and wonderful. I came out to close family first and then six months later to everyone on facebook. I did not accept that I was trans I told them about the feelings I had more than wanting to transition.

[treebird]

Coming out as trans is one of those things you can never really undo. Even if you totally recant people will remember. If you've already come out there's not much you can do. Just tell people you're a bit confused about things at the moment and need some space and time and respect to work it out.

Thanks Grace, that's great advice.

[Mariah]

Locking for Cleanup

[Mariah]

 :police:We are hear to support each other. Attacking each other isn't the way to accomplish that and that won't be tolerated. Please remember TOS 15 thread unlocked

[Rachel]

Treebird, I am sorry this is happening to you. I know what it is like to lose family when coming out and I am aquainted with depression and thoughts of suicide. There is never a good time to come out; however, as you said it is better to come out when you are sure the path you will be taking. Housing and gender therapy are very important and you are working on that. Community is important too. Can you go to group? There you can ask questions about low cost housing, clothing and food and food banks.

[treebird]

Treebird, I am sorry this is happening to you. I know what it is like to lose family when coming out and I am aquainted with depression and thoughts of suicide. There is never a good time to come out; however, as you said it is better to come out when you are sure the path you will be taking. Housing and gender therapy are very important and you are working on that. Community is important too. Can you go to group? There you can ask questions about low cost housing, clothing and food and food banks.

Yeah it's hard The whole experience was very damaging and has left deep scars. Maybe years down the line i'll go back as my true self to them but that's not even on my radar at the moment.
Yeah I was part of a trans support group for a while but the last months or so i've been really keeping myself to myself and just trying to sit with what's going on and who I am as a person. I have become a recluse and i'm so insecure and ungrounded in myself at times I feel really uncomfortable and threatened when interacting with people I know or anyone who tries to befriend me.
Yeah i'm seeking help through my local council and I'm fortunate to have some friends that are willing to let me stay at theirs if I end up homeless (which is very likely atm). I'm keeping my self busy and preparing myself the best I can. I am seeking support through my local council, GP and Counselor through this. I really hope to get through this and get my own place so I can continue becoming who I am. It's scary....

[autumn08]

So I always felt there was something wrong with me but never new what. I came out as 'Gay' when I was like 18 but something still didn't feel right. I then has an epiphany in all my depression and confusion of life that I was actually a girl. I had such joy of this revelation and thought I may not be a freak after all and not destined to a life of misery and unbearable inner turmoil. The problem is my family are fundamentalist christians so I didn't have a positive reaction from them and don't speak to them anymore. I don't speak to any of my siblings even though they are more accepting if I do it triggers the old me so needing time away from them.  Plus I was heavily indoctrinated by religion as well and left the church just under 2 years ago.

I came out to all my friends as well and University, the world..(wore skirts and feminine attire when out), but I moved so fast (I was so desperate at the time to escape the old me). Plus being threatened on the street for being clocked as a 'man in a skirt' really shook me. I had to leave study because my mental health got too much and realised I had to deal with this gender dysphoria plus other issues.
However I may end up homeless on the 14th of February this month and have so much inner transphobia/misogyny to deal with that I don't feel ready to be labelled as a girl to the world. I know i'm trans but it just feels easier and appropriate to hold back a bit and take some time to take it all in. Plus I really need my housing situation to settle down and to find a suitable property for myself to live in. I guess I have A LOT going on and am in a lot of pain and trying my best to just survive through this rough patch. It's intense. Having so many identity crisis's as well. I'm exhausted and hoping I can get through this but do feel suicidal often. I do get counselling weekly, see a GP most weeks and have my first gender identity clinic appointment coming up so i'm proactive and determined to get through this ->-bleeped-<-.

It sounds like your main problem is finding a place to live. Would being out as transgender impede you from finding a place? Do you have a job, any friends, or are you eligible for government assistance?

[treebird]

It sounds like your main problem is finding a place to live. Would being out as transgender impede you from finding a place? Do you have a job, any friends, or are you eligible for government assistance?

No fortunately I live in a  country where i'm legally protected.  I don't currently work because of my mental health. I am receiving some government assistance but it may take up to a year before I can get my own council flat which would be my own place. I'm going to be homeless and monday and may have to get a shared accommodation until I can get my own place. However because of my mental health condition and needing to live in my own space i'm really scared and fear I won't be able to make it...when I feel my space in intruded on it triggers suicidal thoughts and terrible anxiety.
All the council suggested was that I should look for temporary place until I get a council flat/house.
This housing instability is causing me to feel suicidal and I don't have anywhere stable to call home. It's horrible...

[treebird]

This whole transition thing is hard, eh?

[autumn08]

This whole transition thing is hard, eh?

I agree. It takes extraordinary character to transition.

If I was in your difficult situation, in order to not be too overwhelmed, I would primarily focus on my immediate priorities, but still set aside a little time to deal with my internalized transphobia, because the self hatred caused by internalized transphobia, could prevent me from accomplishing my immediate priorities. To deal with my internalized transphobia, I would continue receiving therapy and every week, make a habit of writing some posts on this supportive forum.

The basis for my advice, is this is how I approached my former internalized transphobia, and still is how I am dealing with being transgender. I'm still not out, not transitioning, and have greater priorities, but by having these outlets to organize my mind, I no longer hate myself for being transgender and I am better able to focus on where I want to go, and how I want to arrive there.

You may need to deal with your internalized transphobia more or less than I have. You may need to deal with your gender dysphobia more or less than I am. I don't think these issue should ever be entirely ignored though, so make incremental adjustments, until you find the right balance for you. 

Good luck, and I hope to see you around!