Tonight my eyes were opened to the fact that I indeed am a Pollyanna. At least i feel like i am. I have had this illusion of grandeur that i have had in my head since i started this path. Maybe its a false hope, or just a coping mechanism. My fairy tale ending all come crashing down this evening when i was speaking to my mother on the phone. Well at least it started. We were discussing my upcoming trip home. We discussed who i planned on coming out to while i was there. After a couple of arguments and disagreements we landed on the topic of my dad. We both agreed he would not understand and would probably be angry. I have poured so much anxiety into thinking about just how i will come out to him. Some times the scenario plays out well in my head and others I crash and burn. What my mom said next would add some serious perspective to my plight.
My mom told me a story about my dad coming home from work and recounting running into a trans-woman at work and his opinion was less than encouraging. "I ran into a man trying to became a woman." I'll spare you other detail of the conversation , suffice to say... he was less that complementary. I so easily villianize my dad when i am not around him, this certainly does not help. I am sure, or i hope when it is some one you love... given time, he will come around but there are no guarantees.
Now I know that your mind is your worst enemy and probably is portraying the encounter far worse than it will play out but i can't help but lock up when thinking about it. My whole life will change from that point. My relationship with my dad will change forever. The way he sees me will change forever. Potentially all the things i have worked so hard for will get flushed. I try to rationalize all of this by the "It can't rain everyday", and "The sun will come out tomorrow" but will it? Talk about perspective!
My perspective was further focused with a second encounter. I won't mention any names in this post because even if my encounter with this individual was less than savory, i respect this individual. I met her on this forum and after a couple private messages we decided to exchange numbers and start texting. She lives very close to me and i was sincerely looking for a trans friend that could take me under their wing. Something i seriously lack. Our first interaction seemed to go well until it was broken off rather abruptly. I was a little taken back but, with little time invested, i just shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Shockingly, the next morning a was met with another private message from this person. I was confused. After the conversation the night before i did not expect another message.
Our conversation ended so abruptly and i somewhat had a good idea why. The next day after reading the new message, I decided to try texting yet again. This time the conversation tone was different from the get-go. I could sense the intense pain even through a text message. As the conversation deepened i started to realize that i was talking to some one that had been hurt so many times that a hard exterior had formed in order to protect themselves from any further damage. She mentioned her experience with hateful, non-christ-like Christians. The horrible things people said and how she was treated was just appalling! I don't attend a church right now and there is a reason. I want them to know the woman and only her. This conversation didn't end any better than the previous however it got me thinking.
I'm petrified about coming out at work and it has taken me a while to gain the courage to come out to my friends. Until i came out to a few people, i just had a hard time feeling validated with who i was. I mean, I know how "I" feel but that has always been a private part of my life and i am transfixed with sharing that with the world. I know i stand to lose a lot, maybe even everything but do i really know and am willing for that to happen? I have yet to feel that deep pain and anguish and i do not look forward to that, though i know it will come eventually. All my close friends were very accepting but i know once i expand to colleagues, and simple acquaintances i will most certainly encounter adversity and disdain.
So I am thinking now... will this ultra-optimistic feeling pass once the world starts crumbling around me. Is it just my giddy teenager, take on the world attitude? I am thankful for these encounters. I believe everything happens for a reason and know these individuals were brought into my life for a reason (or my dads life). I don't want this feeling to pass but i also do not want to build myself up for a catastrophic fall. Seems stupid that i am arguing with myself about being positive but when is it too much?
