Any advice?

[ArtIsTheWeapon]

I'm a lesbian. My girlfriend of 5 years wants to.. well i don't really know, we haven't discussed it. I'm gona try to explain everything as clearly as possible, so if anybody is reading this then please bear with me.

I guess this all started a year ago. My gf became friends with a mtf person (im so sorry if that sounded offensive, I honestly didn't mean it to be, I don't know which wording is and isn't acceptable yet) in our last year of school. Tbh it was a bit weird how it happened, we had been talking about wanting to be her friend bc she had a cool jacket and I wanted to know if she dyed her hair. Anyway.. my gf spoke to her one day and we became friends. It didn't last long; she and I didn't get along and it ended quite ugly and physically. While we were 'friends' my gf grew quite close and now, thinking back I think that she helped my gf find out who she really was.

One day last year she told me she wanted me to use male pronouns when talking about her and to call her a different name. It was very unexpected, I was shocked. The male pronoun thing didn't last long after we ended the friendship with our mtf friend. Everything went back to how it was before.

Until a few months ago when she was talking about it again. She never said anything like 'i want you to call me .....' Or use 'he', 'him' ect. We never talked about what she wanted bc I told her that I'm definitely a lesbian and idk what would happen to us if she transitioned. Ive always been completely honest with everybody I've ever talked to, so I was in that situation aswell.

Again, a while passed and nothing was said. We talked about it when I brought it up but she never specified what she wanted to happen and she sometimes would say 'i just don't want breasts anymore' and I'd be like okay.

Anyway, now it turns out she's been lying to me incase I rejected her and she's not comfortable with her body. Which is understandable. I'm not annoyed with her, if I was in her position I think I would have done the same.

And that's it I guess. I know I haven't been very specific, I'm sorry. I just dont know what she wants yet.

I don't know what to do. I think I should talk to her about it but idk what to say. I'm worried that we'll argue and break up and I really don't want that bc I love her so much. But I can't see myself ever being with a man (as in a male body person. Ugh my wording is horrible). I know that relationships don't revolve around sex, but it's still an important part and I never want to have sex with anybody who has male genitalia. I dont want to be with a man at all, but the thought of loosing my gf terrifies me. I don't even know if she wants to get that surgery done, bc we've never discussed it.

I'm beginning to question my sexuality aswell, bc if she's always been male then does that mean that I've been straight all this time? Or bi? I'm really confused.

I don't know what I'm asking. Just for any advice I guess. Any tips on how to word things better would be helpful aswell. I feel so lost right now. (i know how selfish that sounds considering what she's going through right now).

[LizK]

Welcome to Susans Artistheweapon

Sounds like you are flying a bit blind and just need some general help. I can only give it from my perspective. I think you are right I think you do need to sit down and have one of those really difficult talks. It is not fair on you to be left so much in limbo because your GF won't or hasn't been able to express herself. She may just be working through some stuff at the moment so may not be ready to talk. Just because she is trans doesn't mean she will get all the surgeries, some people do and some don't, it really is an individual thing.

Pronouns are always difficult until the person has made it clear how they wish to be addressed. A good therapist may help your GF sort this along with a bunch of other stuff out for herself. The sex is difficult because quite simply if guys don't do it for you then they don't...if your GF does transition then I guess you could say that your were in a "straight" relationship....my wife is heterosexual about to become a lesbian...makes her chuckle every time she says it She is in the same boat as you but then we have a nonsexual relationship so it is much easier.

I don't think your partner being trans means anything more than that. It does not make you straight...it just makes the other person Trans.

Communication is certainly been the big thing in my relationship...and finally working out what is really important to you and your partner gave a huge amount of clarity for the future. It is not a simple journey but then nothing worthwhile ever is simple.

Elizabeth K

[Peep]

You should talk to her and find out how much research she has done and what her plans are. You could do some research on your own first so that you understand some of the terminology she might use - there are a lot of trans guys on youtube, many of whom were in what they thought were lesbian relationships before they transitioned, and they talk about losing the lesbian identity. I say youtube as well as text based sources because I've found it helpful to see the range of different trans guys, instead of having some abstract image of one guy in my head. Some of them show before and after pics which give a suggestion of the amount of changes hormones can affect.

Remember also that gender is a spectrum - she may not identify as 100% male, but as someone on a non-binary spectrum.

If it helps any, I'm in a formerly straight 'Female'/male relationship and we're dealing with becoming male/male. Kind of the same situation in reverse. It helped us that we did some independent research + some together. And it also helps a little that transition is a slow process. Nothing will happen to you overnight - you won't suddenly wake up beside a stranger.

[PrincessButtercup]

Hi there ArtIsTheWeapon. I'm going to provide my input in snippets. Take it for what it's worth because my answers are based on being the heterosexual female in a marriage where her husband recently said he suffers gender dysphoria and is currently in therapy to deal with his feminine aspects and how it can be integrated into his daily life without losing everything and everyone he loves, including me.

Until a few months ago when she was talking about it again. She never said anything like 'i want you to call me .....' Or use 'he', 'him' ect. We never talked about what she wanted bc I told her that I'm definitely a lesbian and idk what would happen to us if she transitioned. Ive always been completely honest with everybody I've ever talked to, so I was in that situation aswell.

Again, a while passed and nothing was said. We talked about it when I brought it up but she never specified what she wanted to happen and she sometimes would say 'i just don't want breasts anymore' and I'd be like okay.

Anyway, now it turns out she's been lying to me incase I rejected her and she's not comfortable with her body. Which is understandable. I'm not annoyed with her, if I was in her position I think I would have done the same.

And that's it I guess. I know I haven't been very specific, I'm sorry. I just dont know what she wants yet.

It's very common that you feel lied to and betrayed. It's even okay if you feel angry. I felt all 3 and from what I've, so do many other SOs. I can't tell you exactly why they don't come clean with it as soon as it enters their minds. Some do it out of shame or guilt; some think it will go away; and some try lying to themselves until they can't take it any longer. Only your girlfriend truly knows why she did it. If she isn't seeing a therapist who deals with GD, then she needs to start and you should absolutely be included in some of those sessions.

I don't know what to do. I think I should talk to her about it but idk what to say. I'm worried that we'll argue and break up and I really don't want that bc I love her so much. But I can't see myself ever being with a man (as in a male body person. Ugh my wording is horrible). I know that relationships don't revolve around sex, but it's still an important part and I never want to have sex with anybody who has male genitalia. I dont want to be with a man at all, but the thought of loosing my gf terrifies me. I don't even know if she wants to get that surgery done, bc we've never discussed it.

No, I don't think it makes you heterosexual. You no more want to have sex with male genitalia than I do female. You went into the relationship with another woman because that's what you like. I went into mine with a man because it's what I like. It's not who we are and no one should ever expect you to change the core of who you are just to be with them. Be very upfront with what you can and can't deal with and remain with her. I flatly told my husband that if he goes on hormones and develops breasts or turns his outie into an innie, that I'll serve him with divorce papers so fast he won't know what hit him. I know who I am, I know what I can and can't handle in an intimate relationship. If you know yourself that well, then don't let anyone ever try to talk you into anything else. If you betray yourself at that level, you'll never be truly happy. Your girlfriend sounds as if she's in the early stages of figuring out where on the spectrum she lies. A therapist will help her navigate those murky waters. She many just need to make a few changes such as a mastectomy and wearing more androgynous clothing choices to be happy.

I'm beginning to question my sexuality aswell, bc if she's always been male then does that mean that I've been straight all this time? Or bi? I'm really confused.

I don't know what I'm asking. Just for any advice I guess. Any tips on how to word things better would be helpful aswell. I feel so lost right now. (i know how selfish that sounds considering what she's going through right now).

It's been a month and I still feel lost. I don't have a definitive answer for you on that topic. Just hang in there. I take each day as it comes and try to survive as best I can while he and I try to figure out this murky mess.

I do think you need to have a frank sit down with your girlfriend and get some of your insecurities out in the open. If she's not willing to explore potential solutions that will allow you to stay together, now is the time to find that out. I'm glad I had those heated and uncomfortable discussions because it's allowed me to know he's willing to compromise, too. If your girlfriend isn't willing to do that, then it's best to know it now before you put yourself through hell. And I'm not going to lie, or sugar coat it for you, it feels like hell on earth.