While I can't say I'm at a crossroads (my path seems pretty straight forward), the way ahead (transitioning, etc.) seems almost like it's too much to take on all at once (mentally). I'm the type that likes to plan things out, and transitioning feels mind-blowingly difficult to think about. I don't know if it's because I haven't started yet, or maybe it's the fear of the unknown, but I feel like an ant staring up at a massive wall, preparing to climb it. I'm wondering if I'll ever make it.
Then there's the fear. It's the fear of the unknown, and the fear of never being accepted. I'm trying to care less about what people think about me, but I feel like it's a burden I can't shake off. What will my family think? Will everyone hate me? What if I ruin my life completely? What if I'm forever doomed to being stuck as a freak of nature with a body destroyed by treatments, only to realize I never should have done anything in the first place? What if, what if...
And then there's the sheer terror of the path ahead. I used an analogy recently: The path ahead is pitch black and full of monsters, but I can see the light. I can see it and want to get there, but I'm afraid I won't survive the journey. It's a silly (and kind of cliche) example, but it's the vision I have in my head. It's a perilous journey of uncertainty and terror.
But what if it's not? What if the metaphorical monsters in the darkness don't exist? What if the path isn't scary at all? What if I'm just too afraid to look and see for myself? Maybe the path away from the darkness is this laughably short stub of a path? The answer, like everything in life, is probably somewhere in the middle. I can read people's stories on here, ->-bleeped-<- (another good resource, I've found), and elsewhere, but I'll never know for sure until I make it my reality.
I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to be hurt. The hardest thing is recognizing that I'm not doing this to myself. I'm sure that this is a struggle most transgender people (a term which still feels more foreign to me than it should) face. I need to tell myself that, while it is my choice whether or not to transition, ultimately this is a card that I was dealt in life. I feel like accepting who we are isn't just the hardest thing for me to do, but a hard thing for everybody to do. Being a phony is easy - I want to be my authentic self.
I know what I have to do to be happy, but I haven't fully made peace with the decision. It's hard. It's probably internal transphobia combined with the fear of change. I need to tell myself that this is all possible, and it's not just a dream. I made it real early last year by seeking out a gender therapist, but i feel like every inch I move is a mental struggle. I need courage.
I'm not sure if anyone read this self-therapeutic rambling wall of text, but if you did, thanks, and maybe you felt similar when you started. Maybe you didn't. If you think it's uninformed, I completely agree - I'm still learning. To be honest, i don't know how to end this, so... uh... that's it? lol
