Depression, not knowing how I feel, frustration.

treebird · February 14, 2016, 08:26:35 AM

So i'm just feeling very depressed and like have a trapped feeling. I've been so used to burying down my emotions and pain throughout my whole life due societal expectations being put on me being perceived as male. I'm just really depressed and even though I may finally be getting my own place on monday where i'll feel more emotional safe I don't know if i'll make it. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and fed up of being misunderstood and the pain is just excruciating. I just hate people and want to be able to do this transition by myself and feel I lake the skills socially to trust people and to be myself around people. I feel so done...I don't want to give up and feel there is life at the end of the tunnel but I just don't know what I feel a lot of the time and am confused. It's so frustrating...

Can anyone relate?

Dena · February 14, 2016, 09:53:14 AM

Most of us have felt what you are feeling now. I am assuming that you are pre HRT and haven't started cross living yet and at that stage the depression can be crushing. I reached the peek at age 23 and very nearly took my life but at the last minute, I decided to give a transition a chance. The depression doesn't go away because you decided to do something and you will need to live with it for a while longer. The combination of cross living and HRT will eliminate the depression. In my case, the blockers weren't available so I had to live with T in my system up to the point of surgery but cross living was able to greatly help with the depression. I understand you are having difficulty obtaining medical treatment so I suggest you start working on living full time. HRT would make it easer but it can be done without HRT.

treebird · February 14, 2016, 10:12:44 AM

I'm not sure, i'm like 6ft 4 and have so much shame...not sure if I will ever be able to pass.

treebird · February 14, 2016, 10:14:42 AM

It feels like being happy and secure in myself is to good to be true, like I have 21 years of feeling awkward, insecure and putting on a mask...plus being scared of people. It's feels impossible to get to a positive place.

Rachel · February 14, 2016, 10:16:10 AM

I am sorry you do not have support presently and are going through this alone.

You are definitely not alone. Getting your own place will make it easier to express and go on HRT. If you do not go to group I recommend going to group. There you can meet friends. I have meet some really nice people in group and we are working on a project together for June. There are several groups available for me and another is not clinical and a social group, there is always food there and after the second group some go to a diner.

You are opening a new chapter and it will get so much better in time if you work hard at becoming yourself. If you are not seeing a gender therapist I recommend you see one.

I know for me moving forward and making progress and having a plan has helped me immensely.

Best,
Rachel

Dena · February 14, 2016, 10:25:53 AM

I am only 6'2" and my first therapist told me I was to male to pass. The only facial surgery I had was to fix a messed up nose and I only had that done because I needed to do something about my adams apple. As I was already on the table I figure I might as well do both at the same time.

I have a long face so covering my forehead shortens my face and covers the male ridge above my eyes. Fluff on the sides round out my face and makeup lightly applied covers my flawed skin without looking caked on. I didn't have much of a beard but removal helped. My voice couldn't be corrected even with therapy so I went many years with a voice in the male range until I had surgery last summer but people never mentioned it.

At the moment you have two options. You can live with the depression or you can attempt to do something about it. We will give you appearance advice and answer any questions you have. You should look at the before and after thread and you will be shocked by the changes that can happened even without FFS. Some day, one of those before and after pictures could be you.

autumn08 · February 14, 2016, 10:32:09 AM

Everyone feels, but they may not understand what they are feeling. When I stopped pretending to be Humphrey Bogart in a noir movie, I also had this difficulty. What helped me understand what I was feeling, was every time I felt cognitive dissonance I wrote about it in my phone, and at the end of the day, I analyzed everything I wrote. At first, what I wrote looked like absolute chaos, but now I rarely write anything.

Rachel · February 14, 2016, 10:32:55 AM

I am 6'3". I weigh 200 pounds now but at one time I was 327 pounds, alcoholic and drug user ( I am straight edge now for 7 years and drug and alcohol free for 17 years). I had a phobia of presenting in front to people (talking to people too). I took classed that took a lot of work and I present at conferences and at work.

I was taught to not trust people. It took me a long time and a lot of work to begin to trust people. Doing an intake then getting a gender therapist then going to a LGBT primary care (which I love) then group was an unbelievable experience. I was scared to do each thing but I found nothing to be afraid of and found caring people. Expressing in the gayborhood was scary but no one cared. When I came out and expressed at work I found out there are a lot of wonderful people I work with. I was alone for great periods of my life and wish I took the chances I have in the last 3 years.

I am very awkward. I go to a LGBT gym and have a trainer( my gender therapists suggestion). We actually work on it. She has me looking at mirrors now too. It takes a lot of work but where you have a gap you have an opportunity.

Best.

Rachel

Dena · February 14, 2016, 10:47:48 AM

I dug the links up for before and after thread.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=144104.0
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=168444.0

treebird · February 14, 2016, 03:30:55 PM

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on February 14, 2016, 10:32:55 AM
I had a phobia of presenting in front to people (talking to people too). I took classed that took a lot of work and I present at conferences and at work.

I was taught to not trust people. It took me a long time and a lot of work to begin to trust people. Doing an intake then getting a gender therapist then going to a LGBT primary care (which I love) then group was an unbelievable experience. I was scared to do each thing but I found nothing to be afraid of and found caring people. Expressing in the gayborhood was scary but no one cared. When I came out and expressed at work I found out there are a lot of wonderful people I work with. I was alone for great periods of my life and wish I took the chances I have in the last 3 years.

Yeah I was taught by religion that people are inherently sinful and evil and that we are all so 'broken' we need God. I left church just under 2 years ago but I still have this fear, and also fear that i'm inherently evil and sinful. I feel social pressure even with people I would call 'friends'. I even find it hard when I say Hi or how are you because it makes me feel fake. I'm suffering and don't feel the need for small social interactions...plus I feel an immense pressure for peoples well being and feel if I do anything 'wrong' i'm a bad person. I just can't connect with people and feel this bottomless unfillable hole....

Rachel · February 14, 2016, 03:41:26 PM

I the last three years I have learned that most of my fear is in my head. That fear is an emotion and not real. I have looked at my fear from a distance and it is not real. What I was taught when I was young is not what I have surrounded myself with today. Everyone has fear yet we learn to put it into a balance. We learn to remove ourselves from fear or to just do it and fear has no power over us. I have done things that were once impossible for me due to fear.

Dena · February 14, 2016, 03:55:07 PM

I have never been a church goer but yet I believe in a god. To be faithful to my god, I am kind to others and treat everybody with respect. I do favor and help others whenever possible without expecting to be repaid. If there is a hell, I may have already visited it in this life. If there is one in the after life I can go there with a clear conscious because I try hard not to do anything wrong in this life.

I don't think anybody could fault me for fixing some that I was born with and tried to live with for many years. Fixing it has allowed me to think about myself less and other more. I can't call it a sin to make myself a better person.

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Depression, not knowing how I feel, frustration.