MTF I don't get it

[Amoré]

I am sitting in a thought of mind that is really bugging me.

Why do I want to be a woman I don't get it. Men are super attractive also and hot and cute. They can have bodies that is dreamy if they work on them and they are strong. They enjoy being men and bathe in their masculinity. The most degrading thing for a man is to be a woman. They enjoy being masculine. Then I came along I never could grasp my masculinity. I feel like I was supposed to be a woman all my life I wanted to be one and desired it. I wanted to be desired like other girls by men and feel sexy.

But I can't still understand why it is so impossible for me to settle into a male role and putting myself in this situation that is going to make my life difficult and change everything. Well I have a female brain according to theory and it is driving me insane to change something that is so unnecessary to change. Do I have a choice because it does not feel like it. I am being put on a roller coaster and you are out of control. You are just going along for the ride.

I would love to date again but one day but I am so scared that trans will get in my way. I would love more kids but again trans would make it difficult. I am always going to be trans and that sucks I had to be born with all the right parts not to be and because of my y cromesone then means I would have been a normal man and not be a man with a brain that is female. So I was destined to be a man by genetics but I ended up with this. So what wins that I should actually be a man because of a y gene or that my brain is making me insane that it did not develop properly as a male brain or whatever went wrong.

I feel guilty when people struggle with pronouns and stuff around me. I can see how they hurt. I know I must survive but at what expense. Love, jobs,discrimination, I can be pretty but I am still trans and that makes life a problem for me.

I want the depression, anxiety and discomfort that gd is bringing into my life to disappear but to what expense.

I am on the transitioning road I am busy changing not that I am not excited but I am asking myself what am I doing? why? I can have like a new partner tomorrow as a male but as a trans woman it is like searching for a needle in a hay stak I feel so hopeless and depressed especially on this day.

[Laura_7]

Here is a resource that could help:

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

There are studies showing being transgender has biological connections, listed in the link.
There are differences in brains of women and men so a mistmatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people. They are off the market now.

Knowing this might help with self acceptance. Its also much more socially acceptable imo.

So there is nothing wrong with being transgender, it just is.
And its nobodys fault, neither an upbringing nor whatever.
I'd say accept ... make the best of it ... go with what brings you a feeling of joy (within reason ... changes to clothing style for example)  ... so you can transition in a way and with a speed you feel comfortable with.

Changes to hair and clothing style could be fun ... second hand stores might be a good source...

Try to relax and expect some positive things .. you are more likely to experience them...
and on a day like tis try to do something for yourself ...


hugs

[Amoré]

I am trying to embrace and enjoy it as best I can. I am living as much as I can as a woman I is about now 3 weeks full time but I still get this why, I can just be a normal guy. Why can't I be allowed to do that by my brain my mind start racing with guilt searching for answers telling myself I am weak because I can't beat gd and stay my assigned sex.

I keep thinking of the fear of disclosing to people that like me that I am trans my child being bullied about it.
I fear of losing her one day. I can't imagine my life without her.

I already lost so much for being trans it hurts it is hell some days. It is so complicated it makes life so complicated.
I lost the one true love of my life because of being trans. Now after that it is worse it is much much worse gd amplified I can't understand why.

[genevie]

No one would want GD. I don't. I am trying to split the difference with hair and small changes to keep my marriage. Life is a struggle. We do counseling. I don't tell her about the GD now as it frightens her. If I transition, I lose her. I am giving this time to see if she comes around. I'll make the decision in a year or so. Maybe sooner if the GD gets worse. It is better when I'm busy and not thinking about it. Quiet times it comes back full force. I am quite tired of the gut pain of GD. Who would choose this? No one. I've tried to discipline my way out. It didn't work. Life is just management now. My counselor asks whether I would like to try low dose HRT. That would signal to my wife that I am going too far. Plus I'm concerned about changes showing. Plus I'm trying not to be secret, though of course I am. Who would choose this? Who would choose a life of struggle? My heart goes out to you as always. Best wishes.

[suzifrommd]

Why do I want to be a woman

Everyone, cis or trans, is born with a gender wired into their brain. Their brain expects them to be that gender. All sorts of dysphoria results if we are not the gender it expects us to be. For most people that's not an issue, since when you're body is female-shaped, no one would dream of telling you to live as a male. For us, it is a problem, because our bodies are shaped as a different sex from our gender, so everyone expects us to be that gender.

We could no more change that in our brains than we could decide to see out the backs of our heads or hear through our feet.

[Dena]

Why is one person born into a rich family and another born into to a poor? Why is one person of average intelligence and another a genius? Why is one person born with loving an caring parents and another not? Why is one person born in a rich and powerful country and another not? There are may questions like this that you can ask and there are no answers. Attempting to answer them will send your mind in logical loop wasting vast quantities of time and yielding no answer. You have already determined that you can't change your wife or your feelings, those are a given so your time would be better spent figuring out the best solution to the problems in your life and then enjoy what you have.

To ask these questions is common and I did it because we didn't understand what cause us to be different. Yes we had theories but no proof. It would take me many years and coming to Susan's to discover the cause was biological and I was born with a destiny already determined for me. In my case, I spend 5 years with two therapist who didn't know what they were doing and I tried to find a reason why I was the way I was. The third third therapist took a different approach by saying "so you are transsexual, tough, live with it". Some of the best advice I ever received from a therapist. In under 3 years, I was able to put everything behind me and enjoy everything life has to offer.

Yes you  have some problems from the past that will requires special attention, we all do. I lived in a time when there was no Susan's and nobody to ask but I found solutions to my problems and you will if you look for them. My question to you is will this be the day you stop looking at the past and start looking at the future?

[Amoré]

Maybe I am just very early in and I don't get the complete benefits of transitioning yet. I understand that my brain is female and this led to a history with gd. This led to desiring to change my body to feel more comfortable.

I have so many reasons why transition would be beneficial for me but also so much why not. Who regretted transitioning. I can't see for something that caused me so much pain in my life that I would regret it. I wish there was an easier way. I wish I could have just be happy being male. But somewhere deep down I know I would never be.

I may find happiness in this I will see how it goes.

This is me and my popsicle 

[Dena]

That is such a happy picture and well worth living for.

[Rachel]

Your daughter is precious.

I have a friend who has MS. He was at one time so full of life and fantastic with computer systems and making presentations. Now he is trapped in a special wheel chair and has leg edema and swelling. He is now massive in size. He can not work and is at times scattered in thoughts, usually when he has certain injections.

When I came out different people told him throughout the day. He e-mailed me with support. He, one of the very very few expressed sorrow of how I must have felt all those years trapped in the wrong body. He said he understands because he is trapped in his body as well. He said did I ever ask yourself why this happened to you. I said I had many many times. I said, I came to the conclusion some things just are, accept it and move on. He said he came to the same conclusion too. He has things much worse then me. I am really lucky in comparison.

[autumn08]

Aww!

[Amoré]

Your daughter is precious.

I have a friend who has MS. He was at one time so full of life and fantastic with computer systems and making presentations. Now he is trapped in a special wheel chair and has leg edema and swelling. He is now massive in size. He can not work and is at times scattered in thoughts, usually when he has certain injections.

When I came out different people told him throughout the day. He e-mailed me with support. He, one of the very very few expressed sorrow of how I must have felt all those years trapped in the wrong body. He said he understands because he is trapped in his body as well. He said did I ever ask yourself why this happened to you. I said I had many many times. I said, I came to the conclusion some things just are, accept it and move on. He said he came to the same conclusion too. He has things much worse then me. I am really lucky in comparison.

Sometimes we think we have it the worst but everybodies struggle is different. Then you as a trans person hears a story from someone what they are going through and you think I have got it bad but I can't imagined what this person went through. I think it is better getting divorced by my wife and getting joint custody on my child. Seeing her in another mans arms and seeing my daughter growing up in someone else's house.

This person was married and had a wife and two children and in a freak accident the gas bottle on the outside of the house exploded and was next to the bedroom where she and the two kids sat while she was reading them a bed time story. He was on the other side of the house. They were engulved in flames and he could not get into the room. They died there while he was standing on the outside helpless. 

That man lost his mind he ended up in rehab more than once he tried to kill himself. He lost his wife and two small children that day. He found a way to move on and find someone new and they are expecting a baby now. It is sad because that child would not replace the other children but he continued life.

He found out the courage to let them go so seeing my ex happy I think it will make me happy in a way. Because I feel I could not do it in the end.