Partner has decided to transition

[SophieSakura]

He's a selfish ********* is what he is.  Keep in mind I've no car, phone,money, food.  He said he would get me dinner since I haven';t eaten, and hasn't come back/  our baby is sick, has a fever and can't stop crying.  there's nothing I can do, I've no phone or car or anything.  and he has has disappeared and abandoned us.  worst father of the year award goes to .....

I don't care about his problems anymore.  I'm done being sympathetic to someone who would do this.

[SophieSakura]

I'm just so upset that he'd leave us with no way of contacting anyone in case of emergency.

[PrincessButtercup]

I'm just so upset that he'd leave us with no way of contacting anyone in case of emergency.

That was indeed selfish and immature. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this.

[Dena]

Perhaps you have a neighbor you know well enough to ask for help if you need it.

[SophieSakura]

I know it's not his fault, I don't know if he's trying his best to deal with it, or what, but I know it's really hard for him, I really do.  But I also think nobody should have to put up with all the things I've had to go through cos of it.

I finally got in contact with him, and he said he was with friends, and then his battery died.  I messaged his friend just asking if he could ask him to contact me, and his friend said he wasn't even there.

He lies all the time.  I know that's probably to be expected when he grew up having to lie about being trans, but it's like he can't stop now.

I've had to put up with him being on gay dating sites, trans dating/sex meet up sites, him video chatting guys doing sexual stuff, coming onto various other girls, telling his ex he still loves her, him saying horrible stuff about me to his friends, him breaking up with me several times and telling people he doesn't want to be with me, staying at a girl's (lesbian's) houses and lying about where he is.  Disappearing for days when I was just about to give birth or had a newborn.

Like don't get me wrong, he can be so so sweet and lovely too and we get along amazingly well and have everything in common.  But it's like the dysphoria has hurt him so bad that he is like this.  Or maybe I'm just an awful girlfriend and deserve it, but I always do try to be supportive and nice and do nice things for him...I'm not as awful as I sound.

I just can't handle it anymore.  Nobody should have to go through this.  Well I guess I don't have to handle it cos he's made it clear that he's definitely transitioning...so I just need to get over it and stop being such a needy clingy (ex) girlfriend.  I just am sad and want him to be there for me as a friend.  I think I need to stop needing him cos he doesn't need me or care about me it seems.

I need to find a place to write all this stuff down privately so I won't be annoying lovely real people on the internet.  Sorry.

[SophieSakura]

At this stage I want him to transition because I don't want him to be sad anymore.  And I know he is sad about the break up and the stress of transitioning (his parents aren't taking it completely well) so I need to be there for him, and I'm trying.  But I'm also going through my own stuff, and I guess it's selfish of me to expect him to comfort me, but god I need it! haha.

[PrincessButtercup]

You are not annoying anyone here. This section is for exactly what you're doing - getting support for a SO. Please don't feel you have to temper your posts.

I do hope things turn around for you. I can tell you're a strong person.

[SophieSakura]

Thanks Princess Buttercup.

I feel like if he loved me enough then he'd choose me over transitioning like some other people do.  I think I'd choose being with him over anything.  I know I don't know what it feels like to be trans though. 

This is seriously the worst thing to ever happen to me (our break up).  And I really really want to be with him, but he doesn't want it.  So nothing I can do...just get over it.

It hurts so bad.

[Ritana]

Well he just left for good while giving me a torrent of abuse about how much he hates me and how evil I am.

He/ she (depending on what they prefer), is probably in a very frail state of mind right now, and must be feeling very confused. I applaud him/ her for at least trying to comprise their gender to be able to stay with their partner.

[SophieSakura]

I'm also in a very frail state of mind right now but it's his choice, so while I have sympathy for him, he's the one doing this, I don't have a choice.

[SophieSakura]

But of course people applaud the abuser and not the victim.

[Dena]

I understood what I was at age 13 and I also understood that getting involved with another person would mess up both of our lives. I decided it wasn't right to get involved with anybody else until I had my life in order. There are many reasons people don't do what I did and I understand many of the reasons they get involved with another. If they do and even if they are hurting on the inside, they need to do their best to be responsible to the other person they have included in their life. It is human decency and it is part of the commitment made in the marriage vows.

If your partner isn't attempting to meet you half way, you will need to become strong enough to survive. Yes I know it stinks but at the moment you appear to be the only one looking out for yourself and your child. He might come to his senses but for now, start considering a life by yourself. Figure out how you will keep food on the table and a roof over your head. That may help distract you from some of the pain you are feeling and it will allow you to do something productive with your time.

[Ritana]

I'm also in a very frail state of mind right now but it's his choice, so while I have sympathy for him, he's the one doing this, I don't have a choice.

When you are a woman trapped in an alien's body then you have no choice but to get rid of that horrible armour that suffocates you. It is NOT a matter of choice; in fact, it is sometimes a matter of life or death. You are in a difficult situation too and I feel for you, but at least you get to keep the house, the baby and you're not facing the daunting challenge of a the transition which has been called the biggest journey a human being can embark on!

[SophieSakura]

Yes I have to become strong enough to be fine on my own and need to get over him and stop wanting to be with him.  Definitely need to, and I will with time...

I don't have a house so don't get to keep the house.  In fact I will have no money at all so won't be able to pay rent.  I won't be able to get single parent benefits until 3 months after we have broken up so until then will have no money. 

I do feel very sorry for him but some of the things he has done are still inexcusable.  Hell I'm not perfect at all, but I haven't done that much bad.  Some things are not ok that he did, but I still love him and care about him very much.

Also I have told him he can stay here if he wants, at least for a few months,  as long as he doesn't get mad at me, etc.  I didn't kick him out, he wanted to leave. :/

[SophieSakura]

Anyway right now it does feel like I'll never get over this.  And I'm worried what it will do to my health since I'm having heart palpitations constantly and am short of breath, feeling sick, and my autoimmune disease might be flaring up.

But...I know logically that everyone gets over relationships eventually.  It'll probably take several months, but eventually I won't be in love with him anymore and can be happy alone and then someday move on.

I'm hoping very much that I'll find someone else some day and can have more kids.  I don't know how much time I have for having kids cos of health issues, wanted to have them young for that reason, but hopefully, even if it's hard.  And if not, well that's ok cos I have two kids.

I can survive, I can do this.

And apologies for being majorly emotional and depressed right now.  I'm trying to not make it come across as me having negative feelings towards trans people, because I'm really not like that. 

[SophieSakura]

I know it is harder for the trans person than the cis partner.  I acknowledge that.  And I'm trying to help him, though don't know what to do.

But it is also extremely difficult for a partner to go through this. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and I've gone through some tough stuff.

[Deborah]

But of course people applaud the abuser and not the victim.

Actually, I don't.  While I do only have one side of the story, from what I've read your partner's behavior is atrocious.  It goes far beyond what one might reasonably give leeway for when dealing with the trans thing. 


Sapere Aude

[SophieSakura]

Sometimes his behaviour has been atrocious, sometimes it's wonderful.  I love him very much and we are best friends and perfect together...if only dysphoria didn't exist and he could be happy, lol.

I'm pretty bad myself, I've not been perfect at all, sometimes I get very upset and say some quite mean things.  I try to keep it in of course, and don't think I've been too bad, but I dunno, maybe I'm just as bad or worse, maybe I'm the whole problem and just a horrible person.   Not looking for pity really, just I don't know what's real at this stage.

[SophieSakura]

He's in the shower now shaving all his body hair...I will not be unreasonable and get upset.  I am slightly annoyed that it took him 90 minutes, lol.  I will stay calm and not let emotions get the better of me.  I will be fine and accept that this is over.  Or at least try

[PrincessButtercup]

He's in the shower now shaving all his body hair...I will not be unreasonable and get upset.  I am slightly annoyed that it took him 90 minutes, lol.  I will stay calm and not let emotions get the better of me.  I will be fine and accept that this is over.  Or at least try

All you can do is try your best.

Also, I'm extremely jealous that you have 90 minutes of hot water! Ours starts running cold after about 40 minutes.