Partner has decided to transition

[SophieSakura]

Hey guys.  I wanted to say thanks for all the kind people who replied to my posts and messaged me on here.  I probably won't need to be back on this forum.

My partner got annoyed at me last night about silly stuff and it came out that he feels like I'm controlling him because he can't transition and stay with me (I never said he can't, always said he can but that I can't be with him, but never used it as a threat).  At some level it was definitely making him angry and a bit resentful to me, which is understandable.  He wanted to be with me more, but wants to transition and is only not transitioning because of me.

And I can't be responsible for him not transitioning and not being happy so I told him he should just transition and we can be friends.  So he has decided to transition.  I'm in no way a lesbian and not into the idea of being with a woman, so have no interest in going out with her (I guess he will soon start using female pronouns, which I'm fine with).

I'm of course devastated but also will be relieved to be out of that situation.  It's so hard to go out with someone who is trans and unhappy (of course worse for them, but hard for a partner too).

I'll try to be there for them during this transition and be supportive and even help them come out, but will have to put myself and the kids first at times too to make sure we're happy.  He's going to stay living here for now but will look for somewhere else to live nearby, in the near future I'm sure, cos he'd drive me crazy living here, haha, and it'd be too hard, but he wants to be near the kids of course.

I'm positive that the future will be fine, but am obviously going to be grieving and sad too. 

For anyone going through this too, it's not the end of the world, and you deserve happiness and will be happy, hopefully soon.

[PrincessButtercup]

Oh Sophie, I'm so sorry! It was incredibly cruel of him to go back and forth like that. I also understand where you're coming from about not wanting to be with a woman. I can't do that either - there is just absolutely no attraction for me.

I will send you my email address in case you want to keep in touch. Do look out for you and the kids, what he is doing is purely selfish and unfair to all of you. Yet, it's something the trans person feels they have every right to do. Take time for you now. They can deal with their own train wreck alone until you get some footing.

[mrsdarcysays]

Hey guys.  I wanted to say thanks for all the kind people who replied to my posts and messaged me on here.  I probably won't need to be back on this forum.

My partner got annoyed at me last night about silly stuff and it came out that he feels like I'm controlling him because he can't transition and stay with me (I never said he can't, always said he can but that I can't be with him, but never used it as a threat).  At some level it was definitely making him angry and a bit resentful to me, which is understandable.  He wanted to be with me more, but wants to transition and is only not transitioning because of me.

And I can't be responsible for him not transitioning and not being happy so I told him he should just transition and we can be friends.  So he has decided to transition.  I'm in no way a lesbian and not into the idea of being with a woman, so have no interest in going out with her (I guess he will soon start using female pronouns, which I'm fine with).

I'm of course devastated but also will be relieved to be out of that situation.  It's so hard to go out with someone who is trans and unhappy (of course worse for them, but hard for a partner too).

I'll try to be there for them during this transition and be supportive and even help them come out, but will have to put myself and the kids first at times too to make sure we're happy.  He's going to stay living here for now but will look for somewhere else to live nearby, in the near future I'm sure, cos he'd drive me crazy living here, haha, and it'd be too hard, but he wants to be near the kids of course.

I'm positive that the future will be fine, but am obviously going to be grieving and sad too. 

For anyone going through this too, it's not the end of the world, and you deserve happiness and will be happy, hopefully soon.

glad you all are getting it sorted out. with my situation I will support him on what he decides, we are best friends at the very least, its painful but I'd rather have my partner live a real life, that be forced to live secretly in pain. Him and I are not just random people who met on the street, we have cried, laughed, experienced life together for a long time, even had kids together, so that is more important than anything else to me. life is strange, but I'll get through it too. 

[SophieSakura]

Thank you so much.

I don't know if it's cruel of him, it certainly does hurt a lot and I do feel abandoned.  But I get that it's what he needs to do.  Either way I guess we won't be happy together if what he really wants is to transition.

I am supporting him to do what he has to.  But of course I'm also feeling like "how could you do this to me?" but I will be ok... 

[Marienz]

Thank you so much.

I don't know if it's cruel of him, it certainly does hurt a lot and I do feel abandoned.  But I get that it's what he needs to do.  Either way I guess we won't be happy together if what he really wants is to transition.

I am supporting him to do what he has to.  But of course I'm also feeling like "how could you do this to me?" but I will be ok...

Hi Sophie
Always here to talk, feel free to message me:)
I hope you can both remain good friends, you both need massive support right now:)

Hugs Marie


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[SophieSakura]

Thanks Jamie J, that's so nice of you.  

I'm doing ok.  He has gone back and forward already saying he wouldn't transition, then would try not to, now definitely is, so that's a bit hard on the ol' emotions...but I'm fine, sad but will be fine.  At least I know it's definitely going to happen now so can just get over it.

We'll definitely try to be friends as we have kids and are such good friends.

[SophieSakura]

Though of course it hurts.  He will choose what's best for him, over what's best for me, even if it killed me, he wouldn't care.

I want more than that, I want someone who loves me so much that they'd do anything for me.  Lol, is that asking way too much...I don't want to settle for less in a relationship.

[SophieSakura]

Part of my worried that when he transitions his personality will change a bit from hormones, etc. and he'll then I suspect be pretty much like his mothers and sisters...and that might make me not want to be friends so much!

[PrincessButtercup]

Part of my worried that when he transitions his personality will change a bit from hormones, etc. and he'll then I suspect be pretty much like his mothers and sisters...and that might make me not want to be friends so much!

OMG, you just made me laugh so hard!

[SophieSakura]

Well he just left for good while giving me a torrent of abuse about how much he hates me and how evil I am.

[Cindy]

I'm so sorry to hear that. There is never a reason for abuse.

[SophieSakura]

Well he says now he doesn't mean it.  It's either that he completely means it and hates me, or that he was sad and felt hurt (maybe hurt that I don't feel attracted to women) and is lashing out because of pain.  We all do that sometimes and he is going through a lot and transitioning will be tough.

Or maybe I'm just not a nice person and he's right.  I try but I keep failing at being good enough.

[SophieSakura]

Oh by the way, he is going to start transitioning soon and "come out" publicly and then I will of course use she/her pronouns.  I know she is a woman, definitely, just am not allowed use the she/her pronouns yet.  Just cos I think how awful I must sound using male pronouns.

[PrincessButtercup]

Sophie, you absolutely do not deserve any of this and you are certainly good enough. None of this is your fault and he needs to stop projecting his guilt and negativity on you.

[Peep]

Okay i don't mean to attack you, so I'm putting that out there first

but, from the other PoV - if you've been talking a lot about whether or not you expect to still be attracted to a female version of him, that could well be what's making him lash out. example: i showed my (straight cis) boyfriend a video of a trans man whose life story i associated with in the hope that it might articulate the things that i couldn't, and his very first response was 'that's like the exact opposite of anything i'm attracted to'. Not 'now i understand how you feel'. It definitely hurt to know that when i was trying to talk about my entire existence and personhood, he was only thinking about sex.

Obviously, i know that situation and yours are different, but it just might be a clue. It doesn't make yelling at you or calling you evil okay though (and i definitely wouldn't try to justify doing that to my partner either). I also acknowledge that SO's sexuality and feelings are important - but from the PoV of a trans person, the balance of 'if you'll have sex again' and 'if you'll feel like you own a body ever' aren't quite equal. It can get tiring.

It's not a petty thing to worry about. I'm worried about losing my sex life too - but it can start to feel petty if you hear it a lot, or if it comes up when you're trying to express something else.

I'm sorry your partner is coming over hot and cold. it seems like he's not great at expressing his feelings. :C

[SophieSakura]

It's not like I always talk about not being attracted to women.  Just I made that clear that I would not be able to be in the relationship if he transitions.  Not as a way to convince him not to transition, I said he should still do it if he wants to.  And of course that would make him feel bad, but it's the truth and my sexuality is real and I can't change it.  And it's something that had to be mentioned I guess.

I know it must hurt him, but also it's also not my fault that I feel that way and I can't control that. 

[SophieSakura]

Anyway he did message me and apologise to me shortly after leaving.  But hasn't come home.  I'm incredibly worried but also upset by it.  I'm terrified that he could hurt himself of course because I care about him.  He never worries too much about me though, haha, by his own admission.  This is so tough, I'll be glad when I'm over him and can feel better.  And I know, like all grief, it will get better, it will pass or at least get much much easier with time.  It's just a case of getting through it and time passing.

[PrincessButtercup]

It's not like I always talk about not being attracted to women.  Just I made that clear that I would not be able to be in the relationship if he transitions.  Not as a way to convince him not to transition, I said he should still do it if he wants to.  And of course that would make him feel bad, but it's the truth and my sexuality is real and I can't change it.  And it's something that had to be mentioned I guess.

I know it must hurt him, but also it's also not my fault that I feel that way and I can't control that.

In my opinion, you should never be made to feel like you have to apologize for your feelings or your sexuality. Just as a trans person can't help how they feel, you can't help how you feel. I told my husband the same thing - if you feel you must transition to be happy, then I'll help anyway I can. But, it will be as your friend, and not your wife because I am simply not attracted to women and that's never going to change. You should never have to change who you are for someone else. If you do, neither one of you will be truly happy.

[SophieSakura]

That's so very true.

Anyway, I better get to bed cos it's past 1am here!  Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for everyone.

[sparrow]

Part of my worried that when he transitions his personality will change a bit from hormones, etc. and he'll then I suspect be pretty much like his mothers and sisters...and that might make me not want to be friends so much!

OMG if estrogen turned me into my mom I'd just do the world a favor...