First steps- figuring out my gender

[Hikaru]

Hi everyone

I'm a 20yr old student whos questioning their gender and I want some advice please.

I've been questioning my gender for a while (over 3 years now) and I've never really come to any conclusions. For the first two years I was very certain that I was definitely not female but since leaving school adn moving away from home to university, alot of the gender dysphoria I used to get has gone. Its always there at the very back of my mind but its hardly noticable normally, there are some situations where I get really dysphoric still.
I've never been particularly feminine and many people think I'm a guy when they only see me breifly such as shop keepers and people like that. I get called sir alot.

Does anyone have any suggestions for trying to help figure out my gender. A lot of people before have suggested I try out male names or dress more masculinely but as my shortened name, which is the name I have always used, is a male name and I already only wear mens clothes neither of these suggestions help much and I''m kind of stuck at what to do.

Thanks in advance

[Peep]

If you don't have any specific physical dysphoria that you could experiment with combating (i.e. binding/ packing) maybe you could experiment with other gender non conforming identities in case they're a better fit - you don't have to be binary trans male to not be female. (although you don't have to have body dysphoria to be trans either) You could also try talking to a gender therapist, or finding a support group for GNC people. 

[WolfNightV4X1]

If its a recurring concept I feel like maybe you could take the steps further, figure out what fits. Such as emulating male anatomy or feeling. If its a near constant in the back of your mind does sound like maybe you could be feeling better in life now so the feelings are less direct. Life experiences and how stressful or different an environment might be may be a cause for how intense the feeling are. But y'know it still sounds like theyre still there

In any case, its quite alright to be agender, you dont have to quite fit either gap and you can still be present male while maintaining a genderless identity. But in the end how far you go is limited by how comfortable you feel taking those steps.
Im not sure what exactly is keeping you from going all in and considering yourself male, but I'd suspect it could be due to not fitting either, and if thats the case you really dont need to.

[Hikaru]

Thanks for the replys. I have a binder that I wear sometimes and it helps alot as my chest is the thing that makes me most dysphoric but I don't have enough confidence to wear when I'm not alone.

Im not sure what exactly is keeping you from going all in and considering yourself male, but I'd suspect it could be due to not fitting either, and if thats the case you really dont need to.

I'm not really sure either. I think it is possibly because I'm scared to come out and transition, I'm not really sure why though.

[FtMitch]

If you are in college, you might check and see if they offer free therapy services.  The university I attended did, and they were fantastic services.  Maybe talking about your feelings to someone who won't judge could help?

I agree that dysphoria can be lessened by a less stressful environment.  Also, not everyone was on the edge of suicide or self harm when they came out as trans.  I was simply very, very unhappy as I was.  I had no positive feelings about the future--didn't want to talk about it in general--and I was very angry all the time for reasons I couldn't understand.  I never contemplated self harm, but my feelings were still destructive to my life and well being even though they were more "back of the mind" feelings.  Being depressed in the back of your mind can be just as harmful as being more actively depressed, it just wreaks it's havoc in a slower way, like a decomposition of your life and happiness.  So I wouldn't ignore the feelings just because they are less than what they were.  I did that for ten years, but eventually I had to face them, and I am much happier now.  Whether you are trans or not, something is making you feel bad, and you owe it to yourself to explore what it is.  Good luck!!!!

[Hikaru]

Thanks FtMitch. I hadn't thought about seeing if the uni did any free therapy. I will try to find out and give it a try.

[stephaniec]

I'd definitely give the University health center a try. I had the majority of my therapy at the Universities I went to and they basically and literally  saved my life.