Angry, aggressive thoughts

[Amy413]

It seems since puberty, since testosterone started raging in my body, I have been plagued by rage inside.
To go into detail would be disturbing. Let's just say I am an avid heavy metal fan.

I have been this way so long, is it me or the hormones I was born with? I have become addicted to it. I am powerful in my fantasies. But I am miserable, I hate everything. This is not good. This has socially isolated me. I've been nicknamed "pissed off pete". because I am such an angry person. Abrasive to everyone.

How can some chemicals change that? I've been this way so long I know nothing else. I live in a hostile world, I simply can't take off my armor and open myself up to all the predators out there. Earth is dangerous! I may be unhappy as a guy, but at least I am safe. I can live my life anonymously, in stealth. If I were pretty, happy, fun, outgoing, I'd be open to be taken advantage of. I tried to trust when I was young, I got burned. When I'm in a good mood, I am a magnet. People love me. But I hate the attention, it's like parasites picking me apart. So I become angry to keep everyone away.

Social things drain me like you would not believe. I have to spend long times alone just to recharge.

I just have a hard time believing that taking some pills, or injections or that will change anything beyond physical features.

I'll go through transition and still be a royal b****.

[Amy413]

Could my nuts be making me nuts? To put it bluntly.

[Devlyn]

It seems since puberty, since testosterone started raging in my body, I have been plagued by rage inside.
To go into detail would be disturbing. Let's just say I am an avid heavy metal fan.

I have been this way so long, is it me or the hormones I was born with? I have become addicted to it. I am powerful in my fantasies. But I am miserable, I hate everything. This is not good. This has socially isolated me. I've been nicknamed "pissed off pete". because I am such an angry person. Abrasive to everyone.

How can some chemicals change that? I've been this way so long I know nothing else. I live in a hostile world, I simply can't take off my armor and open myself up to all the predators out there. Earth is dangerous! I may be unhappy as a guy, but at least I am safe. I can live my life anonymously, in stealth. If I were pretty, happy, fun, outgoing, I'd be open to be taken advantage of. I tried to trust when I was young, I got burned. When I'm in a good mood, I am a magnet. People love me. But I hate the attention, it's like parasites picking me apart. So I become angry to keep everyone away.

Social things drain me like you would not believe. I have to spend long times alone just to recharge.

I just have a hard time believing that taking some pills, or injections or that will change anything beyond physical features.

I'll go through transition and still be a royal b****.

Yeah, it is. The human race hasn't produced a single specimen that has survived it yet. Don't worry about that. If everything goes according to plan, you get about eighty years on the planet. And you only get one shot at it. Make the best of it and take what you want from what life has to offer. I can tell from your posts you're imprisoning yourself between your own ears.

Hugs, Devlyn

[RockerGirl]

Dang, I had to check the name at the top to make sure I wasn't responding to my own post lol. I'm pretty sure this may be a common narrative amongst trans people. I wear my anger as a suit of armor too. It's made me very successful with my company, since I always get results and I seem to be able to handle endless amount of stress. But they don't see me almost falling asleep in my car on the way home from exhaustion. Or barely being able to move when I do get home from that and depression because I hate the person I have to be. I think that as I transition, the characteristics that I've had to hide will come out. I believe that the hormones will allow my brain to function like it should've been before testosterone grabbed hold. It sounds like you have had to use a lot of the same tactics to hide your true personality too. Even when your putting on the show, everyone can still see that you care about them. I know that's true with me, and that's why people are drawn to me. BTW I love metal music too, I was devastated when Lemmy died[emoji22]

[Mariah]

I know it can be mind boggling that something as simple as testosterone can make people so angry for those of us who have it running through them when we didn't want it to but it can. However, in the end it really boils down to our frustrations and the T just amplifying what we are feeling and going through because in the end hormones of any kind can do that. You will get there and we all have been there and understand. Hugs
Mariah

[Kylo]

I don't think it's the chemical.

I've not had male levels of T in my system but I've got plenty of rage. Still not even able to get T and the cumulative effect of life has made my temper shorter and shorter and my reactions progressively more violent. It's the situation; the endless frustration. It gets to you.

[Deborah]

It's not the T.  It's the dysphoria and its side effects like anxiety and depression that lead to a constant bad mood and anger.

I've seen it here in this forum going both ways mtf and ftm.  Both start out much as you describe but after addressing the dysphoria with HRT the anger fades or disappears.


Sapere Aude

[Tristyn]

I don't think it's the chemical.

I've not had male levels of T in my system but I've got plenty of rage. Still not even able to get T and the cumulative effect of life has made my temper shorter and shorter and my reactions progressively more violent. It's the situation; the endless frustration. It gets to you.

Yeah. If T was the sole cause of our anger, I would think that FTMs woud not exist. :/

[Amy413]

I was raised by some very angry women who gave me some misguided ideas on what "male" is.
The things I heard growing up in the 70's made me feel that as a male I am the most horrible type of creature imaginable. Some feminists back then we're extremely angry.

All these years, I have been blaming the T, based on their erroneous info that Testosterone is some kind of poison that makes people hostile and aggressive.

Now I am feeling an urge to just thin of my self as bad and angry to the core, naturally if it isn't the hormones causing it. makes me think HRT won't change much on that front. I'm angry about a lot of things, not just my gender.
The dark, bio-mechanical Geiger-esque universe is my home.

I guess when someone has been a certain way for a long time it's difficult to imagine anything else.

[Amy413]

Yeah, it is. The human race hasn't produced a single specimen that has survived it yet. Don't worry about that. If everything goes according to plan, you get about eighty years on the planet. And you only get one shot at it. Make the best of it and take what you want from what life has to offer. I can tell from your posts you're imprisoning yourself between your own ears.

Hugs, Devlyn

Some of us have a more difficult time controlling the "thinker".
You say "i'm imprisoning myself"? Well, I don't know how to do anything else.
I'm autistic. That is actually a short description of autism... "imprisoned between the ears".

People say things like you say as if it's somehow easy to switch on and off.

Fine, I guess It is all in my head, and It is all my fault.
I just have to "man up" and get over my problems.

That is the broken way I translate what you said.

I could also philosophically debate the "you have one shot at it" part.
I don't subscribe to "you only live once."

[Deborah]

When I greatly reduced the ever present dysphoria almost all of the anger and cynicism disappeared as I began to enjoy living rather than experiencing life in a dark thundercloud as I did before.


Sapere Aude

[Amy413]

I guess I'll have to just see how much of it is body dysphoria and how much is anger and frustration with other things in life.

I know there are no magic bullets, and that on HRT, I will still get mad about things.
I see some serious wrongs happening in the big picture, in the world, things unrelated to gender issues, this upsets me. I feel unsafe in the world because of socio-political and economic factors. We live in a society on the brink of collapse. The empire is in decay.

Just look around folks!

Things have gone absolutely INSANE out there. We're in the middle of World War 3. They are not calling it that , but really, that is what is happening. Deny the truth if you want, but the "s" has hit the fan, years ago, we are drenched in it now as a global civilization.

I get on HRT, the world is still dangerous and insane.

[Kylo]

When wasn't the world a dangerous place to live in. When weren't there wars going on somewhere in it. When couldn't a person be jumped and robbed or stabbed somewhere. The world has always been a crapsack, only technology improved... and maybe a little of the attitude. Kind of.

Empires come and go. People remain and keep doing what they do, somehow.

No point worrying about it, it is too big for any one of us, or even a lot of us to prevent. You'll go neurotic dwelling on it, trust me.

[FTMDiaries]

I was raised by some very angry women who gave me some misguided ideas on what "male" is.
The things I heard growing up in the 70's made me feel that as a male I am the most horrible type of creature imaginable. Some feminists back then we're extremely angry.

All these years, I have been blaming the T, based on their erroneous info that Testosterone is some kind of poison that makes people hostile and aggressive.

And yet, those extremely angry, hostile, aggressive women managed to behave that way without acting under the influence of high doses of T. Quite the reverse: they were on high doses of oestrogen and progesterone! Probably even ridiculously high doses, because like most women in the '70s they were probably on birth control... which was very different in those days than it is today in that the hormone levels were often much higher. They managed to be pretty darn aggressive with only a negligible amount of T in their blood streams, so it's ridiculous to blame anyone's anger on that particular hormone. Anger issues are not caused by hormones, but hormones influence the way you react to them. So if you have anger issues (and it sounds like you do), you owe it to yourself to work on those issues.

I had the exact opposite experience of the '70s. Back then, I was told that my role in life was to do okayish at my rather mediocre state school so that I could get a little job to tide me over when I left school, at which point I'd meet my future husband and he'd provide for me & our kids. It was made very clear to me that my destiny in life was to give up work as soon as I married so that I could become a baby-making machine, a cook and a cleaner. My brother, on the other hand, was sent to expensive private schools and our parents even sent him to University, but they actually scoffed at the idea of sending me despite my impressive academic achievements because it'd be a 'waste of money to send a girl to university'. Yeah. Those were the good old days, eh?

If you recall the '70s and '80s as I do, you'll remember what it was like to grow up during the Cold War, when the USSR had missiles pointed at all of our homes (apparently) and were ready to use them at any moment (allegedly). I grew up during a State of Emergency when a well-known terrorist organisation was threatening to bomb our schools and shopping centres, which was a very real threat that was frighteningly close to home. But we made it through those scary times, and we'll get through these times too. Human history has always been full of conflict and strife so there has never been an ideal period in which to be alive. But this is the period in which we are alive, so we just have to make the best of it. What other choice do we have?

[Amy413]

The 70's was a messed up decade that scarred everyone.
Yes, I heard the "be a good little wife", stuff you speak of. That wasn't very good either.
But everyone was slinging insults back and forth in that decade. It was the "war of the sexes" remember?
The grown-ups we're fighting, and the kids got the fallout.

I recognize now I have anger issues. Not quite sure what to do with them.
The idea that hormones was behind all of it was a silly idea made up by a 5 year old years ago.

I have difficulty "tuning things out", ignoring things that are not practical to think about.
People treat me as if everyone is supposed to have control over this ability.
I'm here to tell people that NO, not everyone can just ignore all the nonsense out there. Though I know it's nonsense, I can't tune it out!!! I can't ignore the news and the fear they advertise. We have a culture based in fear, that's how we sell things, and I am a complete slave to it. Trapped, unable to break those chains.

For that I am treated as weak and pathetic. For giving in and giving up.

I can't block it all out like everyone else seems to be able to do. I don't really have much of a choice as to what I think about. My head just rattles and rattles away. And it will be a cold day in hell if I'll take a psychotropic med to deal with that. I'll die first.

[Devlyn]

Yeah, it is. The human race hasn't produced a single specimen that has survived it yet. Don't worry about that. If everything goes according to plan, you get about eighty years on the planet. And you only get one shot at it. Make the best of it and take what you want from what life has to offer. I can tell from your posts you're imprisoning yourself between your own ears.

Hugs, Devlyn

Some of us have a more difficult time controlling the "thinker".
You say "i'm imprisoning myself"? Well, I don't know how to do anything else.
I'm autistic. That is actually a short description of autism... "imprisoned between the ears".

People say things like you say as if it's somehow easy to switch on and off.

Fine, I guess It is all in my head, and It is all my fault.
I just have to "man up" and get over my problems.

That is the broken way I translate what you said.

I could also philosophically debate the "you have one shot at it" part.
I don't subscribe to "you only live once."

You said it, not me!    When I tell someone tomorrow might be a better day, I'm not taking swipes at their medical condition, believe me. Advice is offered, take it if it will help you, if not, disregard it.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Amy413]

Some of us have a more difficult time controlling the "thinker".
You say "i'm imprisoning myself"? Well, I don't know how to do anything else.
I'm autistic. That is actually a short description of autism... "imprisoned between the ears".

People say things like you say as if it's somehow easy to switch on and off.

Fine, I guess It is all in my head, and It is all my fault.
I just have to "man up" and get over my problems.

That is the broken way I translate what you said.

I could also philosophically debate the "you have one shot at it" part.
I don't subscribe to "you only live once."


You said it, not me!    When I tell someone tomorrow might be a better day, I'm not taking swipes at their medical condition, believe me. Advice is offered, take it if it will help you, if not, disregard it.

Hugs, Devlyn

That's why I said it like that. I completely acknowledge that I am the one mis-interpreting.
This is a problem that I am struggling to overcome. That's why I point it out to myself. Still reminding myself that it is my biased view on the world.

The "prison behind the ears" we all know is not so easy to break out of while you are in it, just once you get out you realize it wasn't that tough. But then I stumble and find myself back in it. There could be a multitude of factors effecting this. The individual neurologies of people are different. Nerves have a mechanism for filtering activity among adjacent nerve bundles, there are many toxic things that can damage this neural mechanism.

But I still sit in that prison and smack myself for being such a cruel warden.

I'm just frustrated because nobody seems to be able to tell me how to get out.
To be technical, not self bashing, I have brain damage. Don't know the details of it, and I do not want to open up a pandoras box trying to officially diagnose it. Nerves are still quite mysterious to medicine anyway. But I know I did damage. I lived in epa toxic neighborhoods, and I was a glue huffer when I was an adolescent, not to mention breathing some nasty stuff at a few jobs. I also think I got a minor concussion last year when I decided to stop drinking. Hit my head in a blackout, never saw a doctor, just decided that alcohol was not for me. We all get damaged by the toxicity of modern life, some of us more than others, sometimes by our own stupid 13 year old choice years ago, sometimes by our stupid 44 year old choice last year with the 100 proof vodka and the falling down.

I remind myself of these things. When dealing with damage like this it's easy to start freaking out and forget that it's just some physical damage.

I didn't even know you were telling me tomorrow might be a better day.
That's how distorted my head has gotten. wow.

sometimes we get so low we are blind to help.

I'm trying though. Thanks for your patience.
I'm in the middle of something that many of you have already been through.
I'm clueless and have no idea what is happening to me.
I've been trying to handle this all by myself for years, but I need the wisdom and experience of others who have been in the same boat.

I don't even know how to do my hair