Non-Supportive Spouse

[calicarly]

I don't have experience in this type of situation, but I don't have to have any to be able to realize that asking your wife to become a lesbian for you is tough , and excuse my word, but it is very much selfish.

You should absolutely transition and she should respect you for it, but I am sure she also married a man and everything that it entailed. She very much has the right to change her mind over this, just like you have the right to transition because you need it.

if she stays with you then amazing but expecting her to stay, that's a little much. Let me just put it this way. If you were a man and not a trans woman, happy in your marriage, and your wife came home and said. I need to transition to being a man, had Testosterone injections and phalloplasty. I know for a fact many of you would have said ok let's be friends but I can't do this. And would have moved on to be with a woman instead of trying to become a Gay man, which isn't something that can be done at will.

[RobynD]

if she stays with you then amazing but expecting her to stay, that's a little much. Let me just put it this way. If you were a man and not a trans woman, happy in your marriage, and your wife came home and said. I need to transition to being a man, had Testosterone injections and phalloplasty. I know for a fact many of you would have said ok let's be friends but I can't do this. And would have moved on to be with a woman instead of trying to become a Gay man, which isn't something that can be done at will.

It would be relatively easy to accept my spouse as a trans man if she was so inclined. Many of us are equally or fairly equally attracted to both genders. Sexual preference like gender is often not a binary thing. Also in a long marriage, there are many, many other issues beyond attraction and sex. Shared history, extended family, children, economic partnership and more.

Do not forget that many spouses married with the understanding and knowledge that their spouse was gender-questioning, I see this a lot. Still, it becomes difficult when a change does come even for those couples. You are right everyone has freedom and should as to where to whom to associate with, but that does not change the real emotional impacts and the need for support that both partners in such situations need. To me these threads, are beautiful in their loving hope to maintain a connection to the person they love.

[CrysC]

As you try to figure your path out remember two things:
- to the best of my knowledge we each only get one life.  Don't blow it.
- the same thing is true for your spouse.  Don't let them blow it either.

If you need to transition, do it, don't beat yourself up over it.  I recommend you take it a little slow just to let your loved ones adapt. 
In the end you should not live your life for another person.  It's the one thing that should be yours.  Don't come to the end of your days regretting that you lived the life expected of you instead of the life you wanted to live.

[AmyRose]

In the end you should not live your life for another person.  It's the one thing that should be yours.  Don't come to the end of your days regretting that you lived the life expected of you instead of the life you wanted to live.

This is what I'm so scared off, at 44 I feel my time is ticking away, I love my family and the conflict between wanting to transition and also the fear of it and the sense of duty to my wife and children is just a constant daily anguish and noise in my head, antidepressants help take the edge of it but so far this year it just hasn't stopped.  I feel one day I might snap and maybe that would be a relief but also I'm scared I can and will just keep soaking up this pain for ever.

[Thessa]

This is what I'm so scared off, at 44 I feel my time is ticking away, I love my family and the conflict between wanting to transition and also the fear of it and the sense of duty to my wife and children is just a constant daily anguish and noise in my head, antidepressants help take the edge of it but so far this year it just hasn't stopped.  I feel one day I might snap and maybe that would be a relief but also I'm scared I can and will just keep soaking up this pain for ever.

I also loved my family but last year I reached the point that gave me no other (feasible) choice then to start transition.
I still love my children with all my heart, more than ever before and I know that I can be a much better parent because I can be my real self.

Therapy was such a valuable tool for finding the right answers to my questions.
It also helped me to realize that a strong sense of duty shouldn't lead to self-sacrifice.

I wish you all the best on your journey!

[CrysC]

This is what I'm so scared off, at 44 I feel my time is ticking away, I love my family and the conflict between wanting to transition and also the fear of it and the sense of duty to my wife and children is just a constant daily anguish and noise in my head, antidepressants help take the edge of it but so far this year it just hasn't stopped.  I feel one day I might snap and maybe that would be a relief but also I'm scared I can and will just keep soaking up this pain for ever.

Sorry honey but you already answered the question on what you need to do.  I'd confirm things with the therapist just to make sure of course.  You don't bring your wife to those sessions.  You need the sessions yourself. 

Assuming things are confirmed, which is what it sounds like, then you can make the fear less if you take it slow.  There isn't a need to switch overnight. 

Start with the things that you need to do like hair removal.  Bond with your wife with things like shopping trips and the like.  Work your way up to going out occasionally with her as a girl.  Who knows, maybe you don't need to go all the way.  That was my plan.  I said, go out once in a while but never all the way.  In my case that turned out to be incorrect but maybe that will work for you. 

[Marienz]

Hello

I don't have any advice,but I'm sorry you're going through this.
Compromise always helps but needs to be by both parties.
I found as a SO understanding more about transgender helped me through it, but your wife would need to be open to learning more:)

Thinking of you:) Marie


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[cheryl reeves]

My wife knew before we were married that I liked to dress in female clothes especially lingerie and nitegowns,she didn't know the full story til I confessed 11yrs later and we worked on boundries and compromises and we are still together,next Wed we are having a make over day the first in13 yrs and I'm looking forward too it.

[teri]

I know this:  I cannot have it both ways.  and I am the one who needs to choose.