ideas?

[gallinarosa]

Background: I am not overly girly. I am never going to be the CIS wife who shows her spouse makeup tricks and goes on shopping sprees and helps pick out clothes because I don't wear makeup and I hate even shopping for myself. Additionally, my M2F spouse is currently not interested in making any noticeable or permanent changes and does not seem to have any interest in CD. BUT, I am looking for ideas for small gestures or gifts that help convey acceptance and validation in little ways. I have stumbled upon a few gestures that seem to have had an impact in the bedroom, but it would be nice to expand it outside the bedroom ;-) Any ideas about little things that made you all feel more accepted or connected, or helped lessen dysphoria that AREN'T clothes and makeup (since that just isn't us right now)? All thoughts appreciated...

[Dena]

I don't really know enough to make good suggestions but possibly using the desired gender and name in private would help. I am not a big fan of gift certificates but sometimes they work when you know the persons interest but not enough to make wise purchases. Then again, there is always clearing out some room for her wardrobe. Mostly it would be little things that show you're trying.

[DawnOday]

I've mentioned this several times. I works for me and my wife. I have not been able to perform for most of the last 20 years but our intimate time is really satisfying with out necessarily having an orgasim. It is called Tantra which is basically foreplay on a grand scale. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23332/tantric-sex-101-what-it-is-how-to-do-it.html It's worth a try.

Hugs, Dawn.

[Gertrude]

I don't really know enough to make good suggestions but possibly using the desired gender and name in private would help. I am not a big fan of gift certificates but sometimes they work when you know the persons interest but not enough to make wise purchases. Then again, there is always clearing out some room for her wardrobe. Mostly it would be little things that show you're trying.

Amazon gift cards work well. Lots to choose from.


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[gallinarosa]

...possibly using the desired gender and name in private would help. I am not a big fan of gift certificates but sometimes they work when you know the persons interest but not enough to make wise purchases. Then again, there is always clearing out some room for her wardrobe. Mostly it would be little things that show you're trying.

Thanks, Dena. No name or pronoun changes yet. I ask... and in the meantime I avoid the male references when possible. Also because my spouse is not interested in crossdressing (yet), there is no need for extra room in the closet.

I feel the same way about gift certificates! That's why I am having trouble 

Thanks for responding!

[gallinarosa]

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-23332/tantric-sex-101-what-it-is-how-to-do-it.html

Dawn, *blush* !! (I did read it though and made several mental notes, thanks!)

[gallinarosa]

Amazon gift cards work well. Lots to choose from.


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Trudie, my spouse is still struggling to even know what to purchase, if anything. So anything that I can get to help with the exploration would be nice. But I have been told nothing visible or permanent. Thanks!

[Dianne H]

You may have done this and just not mentioned it. Since you didn't I will.

How about just going out to eat now and then to start?

Pick some place where you really feel comfortable and just sit and talk. Let her tell you things she may have been hesitant to say, such as when she started feeling this way or maybe some of the feelings, thoughts and emotions she had since she noticed she's female.

From there you could get an idea of what other little gifts you could get her. Something she says may even spark some idea for ways of showing her you accept her without spending much or maybe what sort of things not outwardly seen you could buy.

The more intimately you could talk the more free she would be to share. It might surprise you what you might learn about her.

I hope this helps.

[Paige]

Hi Gallinarosa,

It sounds like your spouse is struggling with this, perhaps a good first step might be suggesting couples gender therapy or gender therapy for your spouse.  That would be one way of showing your acceptance.

If makeup and clothes don't help, what about a coupon for waxing or laser hair removal?  Hidden transgender tatoo?

Maybe take her out to dinner and a chick flick or maybe stay at home and watch a transgender movie.  Or maybe buy your spouse one of the many great transgender books.

Hope you find something,
Paige

[gallinarosa]

Hi Gallinarosa,

It sounds like your spouse is struggling with this, perhaps a good first step might be suggesting couples gender therapy or gender therapy for your spouse.  That would be one way of showing your acceptance.

If makeup and clothes don't help, what about a coupon for waxing or laser hair removal?  Hidden transgender tatoo?

Maybe take her out to dinner and a chick flick or maybe stay at home and watch a transgender movie.  Or maybe buy your spouse one of the many great transgender books.

Hope you find something,
Paige

Paige, good stuff! We are in counseling (so happy we started that right away). The hair removal thing is definitely where I have been looking. I suggested it and even me going with, if that was preferred, but my spouse feels laser/electrolysis is too permanent and is too self conscious to go out and get a waxing, so with my encouragement has just started shaving at home to experiment with how it feels. (Which, by the way, is IT FEELS GREAT!)

I like the movie and book ideas. We both loved OITNB and Sense8. We watched them before he came out. I wonder how it would feel different watching them now. (So sad Sense8 was cancelled...) Any suggestions for other good shows or movies or books?

Also, I am thinking about scents. For instance, I know my spouse is bothered by wearing male-scented deodorant but is afraid female deodorant isn't strong enough and is still self-conscious about wearing anything too feminine-smelling in public. But I am thinking something to start with at home. Lotion or body spray? Were these things that helped any of you, especially in the beginning?

Sorry, if I ask too many questions. I just don't want to trigger worse dysphoria. (Also, I am afraid of looking like a dork... lol.) Thanks all!

[Paige]

Paige, good stuff! We are in counseling (so happy we started that right away). The hair removal thing is definitely where I have been looking. I suggested it and even me going with, if that was preferred, but my spouse feels laser/electrolysis is too permanent and is too self conscious to go out and get a waxing, so with my encouragement has just started shaving at home to experiment with how it feels. (Which, by the way, is IT FEELS GREAT!)

I use an epilator, it's a little painful to start, but once you've done it a few times it gets much easier.

I like the movie and book ideas. We both loved OITNB and Sense8. We watched them before he came out. I wonder how it would feel different watching them now. (So sad Sense8 was cancelled...)

I love Sense8 too.  If you haven't heard Netflix has announced that they are going to produce a final Sense8 2 hour movie.   

Any suggestions for other good shows or movies or books?

I'm not up on the most recent books.  I really like reading Jennifer Finney Boylan books.  Others here would be much better source for this than me. 

As far as movies, I've have heard good things about Boy Meets Girl.  I really liked Her Story.

Also, I am thinking about scents. For instance, I know my spouse is bothered by wearing male-scented deodorant but is afraid female deodorant isn't strong enough and is still self-conscious about wearing anything too feminine-smelling in public. But I am thinking something to start with at home. Lotion or body spray? Were these things that helped any of you, especially in the beginning?

Regular lotion would be fine.  There's lots of unscented varieties.  As for deodorant, not all female deodorants are strongly scented.

I also wonder if she would like it if you cleaned up her eyebrows a bit.  Many men trim and some pluck their eyebrows, not shaping but just clearing stray hairs, make them look neater.

Sorry, if I ask too many questions. I just don't want to trigger worse dysphoria. (Also, I am afraid of looking like a dork... lol.) Thanks all!

Don't worry about questions, that's what the forum is for.  There's nothing dorky about your questions.

Take care,
Paige

[Peep]

I was going to suggest scented lotions/ soaps etc as I get an unexpected amount of joy out of them given how gendered scents are kind of silly lol

If you're not into jewellery etc for its superficial qualities, have you thought about making jewellery? Like a braid or a wire wrap style isn't too hard to pick up, and it would be as gendered as you want it to be, and have the added value that you make it yourself? Or for each other?