Until a few months ago, when I fully acknowledged being transgender, I did not hate being male, but I also did not attach much value on my life. Now though, I'm experiencing gender dysphoria much more acutely, and this experience, along with being overwhelmed with work, is causing me to feel lethargic, uncomfortable and sad.
Experiencing this is increasing my desire to begin transitioning, but at the moment, I'm unable to both alleviate my gender dysphoria and help my family. To arrive at the position where I can do both will take at least another year. In the meantime, regardless of how painful gender dysphoria becomes, I know I will not deviate from my timetable (because if I ceased believing in giving those I love priority, I would fall into nihilism), so to attenuate the pain of gender dyphoria, I'm wondering if I should focus on it less.
I'm afraid to focus on my gender dysphoria with less frequency, because whether I acknowledge it or not, my gender is a significant part of me, so denigrating it could invite internalized transphobia (when experiencing gender dysphoria made me feel I just needed to be more masculine) and the resulting low valuation of my life. It's possible though, I'm not on such precarious ground. I know I'm only sacrificing short term pleasure, for long term pleasure, and my mind feels lucid even though I'm only seeing my gender therapist once per month.
To my question. I know I need experiment to find the right balance for me, but what are some signs that would help me decide if I should jettison some of my mental load, or if I should keep a stiff upper lip and work through this?
