Wow, I really feel for you Amore.
I'm basically a 2nd generation. My parents divorced in '73, not exactly clear on the details, I was quite young.
It went well for a divorce I guess. My parents were fairly civil to each other, But I was persistently aware of subtle 'digs' they would take behind each others backs. My mom was particularly brutal, undermining my dad, painting him as weak and passive. My dad kept telling me about how insane my mother was. My mom had primary custody. Weekends with my dad. But random visitation was also acceptable as well. Things were not strained compaired to many other divorces at the time.
In '84 my mom discovered my 'secret wardrobe', and told me about my father being a cross-dresser. I was 14 in a stressful troubling age, especially as a tran. Just having been "busted".... short-circuited. It's taken 30 years to deal with the fallout.
Later as I got older, and had job troubles, I found myself living with my father. Probably really in an unconscious attempt to get what I had missed as a kid. Custody decisions favored the mothers back then. I spent many years unemployed, living with my dad. In my recent stress, moving BACK in with him upon his retirement, we have had an excellent chance to talk really well about a LOT of subjects.
He had encountered the choice of transition himself, and made his own decisions for not doing it. I'm not very clear about his reasons, I didn't want to go into the subject too deep. But what it taught me that "this", is ok. It's natural, it's genetic. Older generations really did not have much of a "choice" in the matter the oppression was so deep, his generation saw things a little different. He has made his choices as he says.
He is a a tran friendly person. Has tran friends. One of them got me my first break in the video game industry in '94. he is accepting of me however I am.
So is my mother. I don't think her telling me about my dad at 14 was divisive, just a clumsy attempt to help with something she didn't fully understand herself. She pretty much always known, almost had been chomping at the bit for me to "come out", in recent years talking about her friends in the LGBT community, She is married to my stepfather. Obviously for years trying to learn about me. She cares a lot, sometimes in a clumsy, smothering way.
I think she feels guilty for something, she has always had a bad habit of beating herself up about everything. That's how I learned how to do it, on mama's knee. Her pain had always worried me.
She had a lot of substance issues in the 70's & 80's, sober 27 years now.
We had developed a very co-dependent relationship over the years, I was also in and out of 12 step programs. She stayed sober continuously, I kept going in and out.
I have ended my relationship with AA and alcohol. I don't drink, but I don't do the 12-step thing either. I have a lot of trouble with that subculture. But my mother and my relationship has been entangled into the AA world. I feel it is a cult. I do not wish to debate that with AA supporters. let's just leave it there. Because it is a cult, I have had to sever my relationship with my mother who is an active AA member. I love her, but as of now I have her and the 12 step world too immeshed to be able to talk to her. I do not associate with any active 12 step people. I am breaking from a cult. Hopefully I can work out my "AA issues" and re-connect. i don't hate her, I love her. But I can't be involved with the 12-step world anymore. I see a LOT of things very wrong within the subculture of AA, and it actually hurts lives. But that's my opinion, and a debate would go off topic.
Anyhow, where am I going?
Divorce does hurt, just ask the multitudes of children of divorce. If parents do not communicate properly and respect each other decades of problems can result for everyone, children and parents. I feel it was my moms drinking.
My father has his issues either way. I feel it was the lack of communication and respect within the family that did the damage. Perhaps if there were more open communication, I could have accepted myself, and my father earlier.
I don't hate him for who he is. I've had confused, angry adolescent feeling in the past, but that's just fear of the truth.
I really don't know what to say, Just I wish the best for you and your family and that you all can find some peace with the situation. As a child of divorce, it has made me very gun-shy on romantic relationships.
As a child of a cross dresser (that is how my father self identifies), who accepts his cross dressing, I feel fortunate that I come from open minded genes.
As a child of an alcoholic, I am eternally concerned with my mothers welfare. Even if she is 27 years sober.
This is just my experience.
I wish you the best Amore, hugs.
