Body dysphoria

[Kanzaki]

Probably a big trigger warning for the entire thread, since it's about dysphoria.

Up until recently I thought I didn't really experience dysphoria much as a child, but I've started to wonder whether what used to feel might have actually been dysphoria after all. Let me explain. Often when I was for example getting ready to get into the shower and was undressing, or spread my legs far apart (I would feel certain parts when I did this), or felt any other kind of interaction with my genitals/chest, I would get this feeling. A feeling of extreme discomfort and disgust. Especially disgust. I wanted to escape the feeling so much that I would refuse to take showers, undress, sleep naked or not wear bras. (Pretty much every time it happened, it was so bad that I would rather not be alive than have to deal with it. And I wouldn't say I was suicidal.) I wore those bras even to sleep because I couldn't stand the feeling when anything brushed against my chest. I figured it was because of my close encounters with someone trying to get me to have sex with them at a very young age (at the time, it distressed me quite a lot, despite it not having been that bad), but apparently it was even before then. I still often get that feeling and still never sleep or sit around naked.

I guess I was a messed up kid or something because I remember masturbating since a pretty young age. Every time immediately after orgasm, I would feel this intense feeling of disgust and would feel bad (guilty maybe?) about myself and what I did (I didn't know what masturbation was at the time so it wasn't because of upbringing). It eventually went away though.

Would you say that could've been dysphoria? Does anyone else experience it this way?

[blink]

That's difficult to impossible to 100% separate out into "this is due to dysphoria" and "this is related to traumatic experiences", and it might be useful to talk to a qualified therapist about it if that's an option for you.

Avoiding showers/bathing or otherwise being unclothed is common amongst people with gender dysphoria. I don't know how common it is and don't want to give incorrect information, but some people who've experienced sexual abuse also avoid undressing.

Masturbating at a young age is not an indication of a problem in itself. Fetuses masturbate.
There's also nothing wrong with not sleeping or sitting around naked, not everyone wants to do that or is comfortable doing that. Obviously, it's another matter if you'd like to be able to do those things and can't because being naked, alone and in private, in itself causes distress.

Personal experience-wise, I can tell you my hygiene was bad for years. Being naked long enough to change clothes, let alone shower, was something I put off. Since top surgery I now shower almost daily (as opposed to struggling to shower once a week). I'm still uncomfortable with the lower half of my body and prefer to keep that area covered even when alone. Planning on bottom surgery. I want to look down in the shower without any unpleasantly surreal feelings, and I'd like to be able to do things like ride a bike - I've tried and can't cope with my current junk being pressed up against the seat. Makes me too aware of what's down there and what isn't.

Pre-top surgery I slept fully clothed, I usually ditch the shirt now to sleep, whereas I'd tried that before and it was not something I could adjust to.

[Kanzaki]

I understand similar feelings to that could be caused by traumatic experiences. As I said, for a long time I thought that was the case, but I recently remembered instances of years before any traumatic experiences where I already was uncomfortable and all.

Personally, there are a lot of instances where I'd like to be able to sit around naked or sleep naked, but I just can't. When I'm naked, even when I don't look down, I can somehow feel how both my chest and lower region are without needing to touch anywhere there, and that gives me that horrible feeling. I get some sort of hyper awareness of the areas. Not really sure how to phrase it right.

It's great you're more comfortable now. It sucks for it to be so bad you can't even shower once a week.

[Alexthecat]

I find it to be a part of growing up. As a kid you are naked and it does not matter. When you get a bit older then being naked is uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable because of female appearing parts then I would consider that gender dysphoria. I would consider for example not wanting to show skin because you feel fat to be separate.

[Kylo]

Sounds a lot like what I call dysphoria for those body parts.

Especially the sleeping naked/feeling things against the skin thing. I feel I might able to do it after surgery, but not before. I literally can not stand being naked for long.

I only get naked to change, shower or be close to someone physically. Hanging around without clothes on in my own house is something I'd love to do but have never been able to really. Because I imagine it feels really freeing. The opposite of dysphoria which is a feeling of imprisonment and shrinking away from yourself as much as you can.