I have made my decision. Since that 1st appointment with my gender therapist last week, things have escalated for me. I have been crying, been happy, I have made two decisions:
- I will go to my 2nd apointment wearing the new Gap dress I bought, leggings and light make up. I'm crazy but what the hell.
- After the apointment (I give myself until the end of this week), I will tell my wife.
I have spent 4 days writing the 18 pages letter which I might write up like old times with pen, and not print for more impact. I cannot hide this from her anymore. In the letter, I explain everything. What's going on, why I've been cross dressing, (she knows I have, we've had sex while I wore her nightie and pantyhose/stockings a few times), what changed last year when Caitlyn Jenner came out. I told her that once I realized that I was trans, and that there was no way to get rid of it, 35 was a good enough age to come clean. It has taken me a little bit less than a year to come to terms with it... Now might be the time to transition as it is *not* going away.
To spice up the situation, she's been dealing with chronic pain for years, the kind that goes everywhere, and tells me often that I don't know how it feels like and never will be able to, that I don't support her, which is not true. I have done everything that is reasonably and humanly possible to help her, even if I disagree with the way she manages the pain after all these years. I don't agree with it, but I never block her way to get treatments (which I pay for, since she hasn't worked in years), no matter how useless I think they are. I think this is respect and support in my books.
Often, in arguments where she mentioned the unfounded criticism of my lack of help, I kept telling her: "Listen, you know maybe one day, something will happen to me, which you can't relate to nor understand, or even will refuse to understand, and then we'll see how you deal with it, if you stick around with me, for 9 years, like I have...". Well, *now is the time*. I phrased it nicely in the letter, saying that no, I'm not infallible, never claimed I was a perfect person for giving her advice she always refused to consider, now, my weakness is in the open.
Everything about my wardrobe, what I did, the signs I sent, what I think about the relationship, our kids, our life together as a family is in this letter. No ultimatum, just a letter to inform her that I will probably try to transition...
It's either now or later, but it won't be never... I will go through the outline of this letter with my therapist and if she gives me the go ahead, I will give her the letter as soon as I find the courage to do it, deadline being this next Sunday. Pain or not. I'm done with chronic pain blocking my way at every chance it gets. Even if this Sunday night was painful, with arguments about the pain, the sames ones, over and over... I have to tell her. I'm sure we're at the bottom of the pit anyway, and perhaps she has some resentment against me because she knows something is up, this might clear it up...
To add on top of this, she is pregnant, 26 weeks along. It's our third, not sure it will make any difference if she's pregnant now. I can't tell her right after the birth, and I won't be able to hold it that long. Just yesterday, at lunch, I had to excuse myself to go cry, randomly, and I'm not on HRT yet... this is impacting me too much. There is literally nothing else I can think about. Something has to change. I had given myself one year after Caithlyn came out and I realized I was trans.
If you have any last minute advice, feel free to send it my way and wish me luck...
