Confused FTM

[Matti]

Hey there everyone,
Not entirely sure if this is the right forum section....please correct me if I am wrong..

I hope with writing this, that someone could give me a few tips or some advice on how to to cope with the situation in accepting the fact I am a FTM. As I wrote on the intro page, my name is Meg on paper and Matt deep on the inside. I'm 25, going on 26 and after so many years of suppression of who I am, my partner has helped me slowly come to terms and accept myself a bit for who I am.
I've spent hours researching and reading everyone's brave stories in hope of feeling that I am not alone in this wide world. Also after about 1 year of looking for Therapy, I found a spot and will start the end of next month.
There are only a few problems I have right now, that start to make my confusion even worse though....
Whenever I am alone, with my girlfriend, I am that man inside I truly wish to be. The outside world doesn't influence me or the way I feel at that moment, if that makes any sense at all, but then when I go to work (I am the only "female" in my workshop, I'm a car mechanic.) or I go to public places... I feel...like all the sour eggs of a gender just hang out and poke you in the eye. This makes me doubt myself..."is this what being a man is?" Being so disrespectful, rude or just plain degrading to others/females? (Of course, every gender has its goods and bads.)
I've been raised quiet decently (despite my parents being very closed minded and easily throwing things off as "wrong") and I try to be respectful, kind and supportive through all situations.
I don't understand why such things make me start doubting myself so heavily. It is like a light switch.

There is so much I cannot find answers to, and I could rant for hours....

I am thankful I have a such a supportive woman by my side, that despite being lesbian, helps me and stands there through all this but sadly there is only so much she can help me with and understand (yes, I don't care if she identifies as a lesbian, they are labels to us and we see passed those)...Besides her and 1 very close friend, I have no one I can talk to and seek advice with....my social anxiety are of very bad help as well...

If anyone has advice, wants to share experience or even just chat....Its more than welcomed!

Thank you for your time and for reading my blurt of emotions :x
Hope I didn't insult anyone...

M

[Dena]

I think what you are asking is what a male should be. I am over twice as old as you and have seen much change in society. Two factors seem to be in play. The younger generation tends to be less respectful of others than past generations. I feel it's because many of them haven't had to work as much to receive the life they have. As the results, there is more disrespect of others. The second factor existed when I was young and it's due the young being immature. My generation was the hippies and war protesters. Older generations had the flappers and current generations seem to have people who's social life is on a video game.

My advice you is design a role model that you would like to become and make yourself that type of person. Don't let others pull you from that path because if they do, you will be living their idea instead of your own. In both my male and female life I have used that approach. In both lives I was/am respected and trusted. You may not be the most popular person but the people who associated with you will be true friends.

The transition shouldn't compromise your personal values or morals. Even now there is good in you and your life so use that good as the start of your new life.

[FTMax]

Welcome! If it makes you feel any better, I was also Meg on paper for quite a few years, and made the switch at 25 as well. It's doable, and it sounds like you've got a lot of support in place to make it happen.

I wouldn't read too much into how men act in public. In a lot of traditionally masculine environments, it's all sexist, macho posturing. That's not how it is everywhere. And of course, everyone is an individual. Just because that's how they are, doesn't mean that's how you need to be.

Head on over to the FTM board when you get a chance. Lots of good threads there, and plenty of other guys to talk to.

[Tristyn]

Hey Matt.

Glad you found us! This is a great place to talk to others about what you're feeling, especially since you seem to not have a whole lot of support in your personal life. I tell ya, bro, I can relate to that. I actually have no one, in my personal life I can freely talk with about this. But I do have a gender therapist. He's all I got as far as talking this gender stuff over with.

Yeah, you should follow Max's advice and head over to the FTM section of the forum if you wanna see alot of topics directed to the guys of Susan's. 

I hope you find that this is a very supportive and caring environment!^^



-Phoenix

[Matti]

I think what you are asking is what a male should be. I am over twice as old as you and have seen much change in society. Two factors seem to be in play. The younger generation tends to be less respectful of others than past generations. I feel it's because many of them haven't had to work as much to receive the life they have. As the results, there is more disrespect of others. The second factor existed when I was young and it's due the young being immature. My generation was the hippies and war protesters. Older generations had the flappers and current generations seem to have people who's social life is on a video game.

My advice you is design a role model that you would like to become and make yourself that type of person. Don't let others pull you from that path because if they do, you will be living their idea instead of your own. In both my male and female life I have used that approach. In both lives I was/am respected and trusted. You may not be the most popular person but the people who associated with you will be true friends.

The transition shouldn't compromise your personal values or morals. Even now there is good in you and your life so use that good as the start of your new life.

I do agree with the generation of video games. Considering my social life is mostly revolved around online games etc. Though I apprecitate the point you made! And I do think you are right, a role model or a version I could look up to isn't that bad of an idea! I will try that for sure!

Welcome! If it makes you feel any better, I was also Meg on paper for quite a few years, and made the switch at 25 as well. It's doable, and it sounds like you've got a lot of support in place to make it happen.

I wouldn't read too much into how men act in public. In a lot of traditionally masculine environments, it's all sexist, macho posturing. That's not how it is everywhere. And of course, everyone is an individual. Just because that's how they are, doesn't mean that's how you need to be.

Head on over to the FTM board when you get a chance. Lots of good threads there, and plenty of other guys to talk to.

If I am welcome, I will stop by and dip a toe in the water so to say thank you alot!

[UKFTM]

These feelings of doubt tend to subside the longer you identify as the person you really are on the inside. All those little niggling worries and moments of distress ease, and you become more confident presenting as your identified gender. It takes time, especially if you've been repressing certain aspects of yourself for so long. It's only natural, and guaranteed to make a person feel vulnerable, but eventually you do become more confident. A lot more confident than you ever felt before