My voice

[Amy413]

I don't know what to do about my voice.
It's pretty deep. And I am not one who has a whole lot of tonal and pitch control over it, I can imagine coaching will be a challenge for me.
I don't know much about what sort of surgery can be done to fix it. I heard it's risky & unpredictable.



I don't like to dwell on it too much but, It's a major concern for me.
How much does HRT change the voice?

And what about the surgery on the neck?
It's going to have to happen, I have a boulder in my throat you can see from a mile away.
How serious is it? I get nervous about scalpels.

I also talk to myself a lot (don't we all?) I have to listen to myself all the time.
My current voice is a continual fuel to the dysphoria.

It's a fear I need to address.

I also feel it as a barrier to even going public.
As soon as I speak, it's obvious.

[leacobb]

Hello Amy, I too know the pain of having a horrible deep voice. And it can be so hard to get it to sound right.. But there are methods you can do to help train it.. For example hum in your normal range then get higher and then hold it. Breath through your nose and not out of your mouth and if you hold your hand on your chest and talk you will feel it rumble. Try to take that rumble away and raise your voice up into your neck ( speak with your throat) all these trick do help with control and over time you will find your best sound..

Voice surgery can be very risky. As in my understanding there could be issues like your vocal cords snapping which means you won't beable to talk full stop.. And no-one wants that.. But that is just something I heard so don't hold me to that...

The removal of the Adams apple is a pretty basic process. All they do is just shave down the treculer which is done under an anesthetic and that is something I'm in the process of saving for..

I hope this helps you a little and I wish you all the best.. Take care Lea xx

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[Amy413]

Wow, that's a LOT of work  I don't even really understand what you are talking about humming and all that, coaching will be a nightmare! I'm not a singer of any form. I'd have to become a singer or something to overcome this, that's impossible.
I don't want to have to be thinking about continuously making a voice all the time.

I have lost confidence in this.

I don't think I can do it.

My horrible deep voice kills it.
It's a del-breaker for me.



Not good.
Trapped.

.....By this voice I have to listen to ALL the time. It's will taunt me and constantly make me depressed.


I'm joust going to stay in my ugly canvas bags (boy clothes) and wait to die.

I can't do this.


I'm cursed, I must have done something really horrible in a past life to deserve this.
A solution presented that I am barred from getting because of my voice.

What a horrible curse!!!!!

This sucks.


Forget all the positive, happy stuff I was posting folks.
I think I'm just going to give up on transition. It's impossible for me.

I'm too insecure, you people are all FAR braver and stronger than me.
I am not worthy

[Amy413]

My voice is tightly bound to my emotions. I can't control it.
Slightest bit of upset, It drops deep. I can't control that, I upset too fast.

I can't train, or practice and get good at anything involving fine muscle control. No matter how long I try.
Practice make perfect does not apply to me and my muscles. Hands, arms, legs, or chest & throat.

It sound like you have to learn to be an Opera singer or something like that.
Sounds flat out impossible to me. All the time having to consciously "adjust" my voice.

And I can't stand wearing things around my neck, it drives me bonkers!!! scarves don't happen with me.
I won't be able to cover up my adams apple. A shave will have to happen very early on. can't do anything to hide it, my neck is hyper-sensitive. I don't even like wearing a necklace.

The neck is one of the the most important parts, the other stuff is hidden out of view.

[Amy413]

My deep voice is the primary quality that drives my dysphoria.
A womans voice is the thing I want the most, more important than the chest or between the legs.

All this fancy technology and they still can't fix that part.

[CinderellaMan]

So yesterday i kinda srarted the day in a low for some reason i didnt even do my hair, as the day went on i kinda got lower usualy i sing while i drive practicing my voice and constantly looking in the rearview and practicing my smile learning to hold my mouth in a cuter manor than i came acustom to as my old un happy self(ive got a lot cuter mouth and smile now than ever)😀 But as the day went on i just couldent,( just keept feelin just like you have stated) i felt so low when i got home i didnt even chang outa my work cloths innto my comfe cloths, usualy have some wine and relax do my nails or what ever, but insted hat a few beers pizza which allways makes me feel worse🙁 So just decided to end the day which is the only and best way to END IT, crash and look forward to another day, here i am feelin as cute and optimistic as usual, i feel your pain as most every one here does you are not alone find strenght in whar the next day may hold then get there!! Much luv an hugs have a great and successful day😀😀😀😀😀😀😬😀

[Amy413]

And I don't have a social life, so I don't even have people to really practice on.

Wow, crashing hard, going downhill fast

Darth Vader taunts me.

Still going to talk to the counselor on the 29th though.
I know myself, I can't surrender(you know the "sui..." word), even if I want to, somehow the universe won't let me.
That's the only reason I've stayed alive all these years, something greater won't let me die.

[Denise]

I practice on telemarketers.  I get mam'd about 1/2 the time.

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[Amy413]

I suppose as a last resort I'll just be a really effeminate bisexual 'man'.
On hormones.

But with a voice like mine, I'll get very odd looks when I say "Hi, my name is Amy."
Might have to stick with pete. And continue to be seen by the world as a man, based entirely on the sound of my voice and a culturally subjective 'name'.

They will all wonder why I am not wearing my heavy canvas work uniform that men are culturally "supposed" to wear all the time because society really does not want to look at men. Just go to work, pack mule. That's the way it feels to me. As a man, I feel society has instructed me to deny my emotions, and focus entirely on "productive", work related things. Men are given a choice, a shovel or a gun. Women get everything else. They are wonderful, placed on a pedestal, honored by society*, scratch that...... advertising  Those jerks on TV fed me nonsense.
All I know is from my experience I had felt that men were just ugly pack mules, only good for work. That's just what I felt was expected of me.

That is just what I feel from society. I can't speak for anyone else.

footnote: Our society is almost entirely based on advertising.

...I'm starting think that TV is really bad. It fed me poison. I foolishly believed by electronic nanny as a child.

[Amy413]

Just had a complete meltdown, ptsd flashback.
I've done so much self abusive damage to myself as a result of not transitioning years ago that I'm all mangled up emotionally. I just took it all in an personalized it all, everything I heard in society against trans. I let that TV, and the NEWS dictate my self esteem, every slur, every jab, every joke, The the internet came and all the comments.... sigh.... the comments.........

I have no idea how it is I keep going on. but i do.
because, I know "THAT" is no escape.

Life is a truck that I am chained to the back of.

[RavenL]

On the voice front when I started I had a very deep voice. Think like the guys that get paid to talk on the radio. I hated it and even hearing myself talking was like nails on a chalkboard.

And I would go out of my way not to have to talk to people. Which isn't very good. If you have a smartphone there are apps on both apple and android for voice training. I found one that just has me reading passages from a book for a minute. At first I was at the low male range and after a month I'm staying in female/andro range. So maybe look into that?

As for comments in the media. I ended up having to stop looking and listening for a few months. Otherwise I'd get so sad thinking about it. Now they don't bother me so much. But I still get mad but write a strongly worded response.

Miss, Raven

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[Amy413]

And my dad made his career on TV, did quite well. he's a video engineer, worked at major networks.
I love him more than anything, but he spent his life serving something I despise....television.
The very thing that showed me the horrors committed upon people like me.

The nasty internet comments, that's the because of the "NEWS", it's just plain evil.
Distortions, intended to create conflict.

this is hard.

[Amy413]

On the voice front when I started I had a very deep voice. Think like the guys that get paid to talk on the radio. I hated it and even hearing myself talking was like nails on a chalkboard.

And I would go out of my way not to have to talk to people. Which isn't very good. If you have a smartphone there are apps on both apple and android for voice training. I found one that just has me reading passages from a book for a minute. At first I was at the low male range and after a month I'm staying in female/andro range. So maybe look into that?

As for comments in the media. I ended up having to stop looking and listening for a few months. Otherwise I'd get so sad thinking about it. Now they don't bother me so much. But I still get mad but write a strongly worded response.

Miss, Raven

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Thanks

I usually avoid TV like the plague, but recently moved in with my retired dad who watches tv all the time.
I snapped on him this morning and yelled. I feel bad.


....

I guess with the voice I will just have keep faith that with time and patience I can train it to be natural. People keep saying that does happen eventually with anything you 'train' yourself on. I 'trained' my brain to do some very interesting things with geometry, maybe I can get it to do the same with sound.

It would probably help me a lot if I quit smoking too.

But with how nuts I am right now.....pile nicotine withdrawals on to of that?? I'm a heavy smoker, I'll hallucinate after 24 hours, I have before trying to stop. I'll need special care to quit cigarettes. seriously. People who know me will agree, I'm HOOKED, BAD! I don't even consider a pack, or two a day a real smoker. I smoke 4. Not bragging, just illustrating how deep the hole is with tobacco. I was born addicted to nicotine. My mom smoked while pregnant.
I'm a good poster child for why women should not smoke while pregnant, if that child picks up cigarettes, they are hooked for life.

[RavenL]

Thanks

I usually avoid TV like the plague, but recently moved in with my retired dad who watched all the time.
I snapped on him this morning and yelled. I feel bad.

Well, this may not work or it might be worth a try. When I wasn't "out" in the world yet. It was like getting hot lead poured on me when I was called dead name or male pronouns. I can't remember who here recommended it but I ended up just correcting the words in my head.

Not sure if this will work in your case. If you hear on the news "oh all trans people are evil" or something. Try correcting it in your head to something like "oh all trans people are great"

One thing that has been helping me out is yoga. Doesn't take anything fancy to do and helps clear my mind. I'm starting to become a lot calmer and slowly able to control negative thoughts.

Hope this helps

Miss, Raven

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[Amy413]

Oh, I misinterpret everything and take anything I hear personally. Even the subject matter of a joke on tv is an insult to me.

There are actually MANY other reasons, why I also avoid tv. It's just not good for anyone. look what the distorted advertising does to people. Those false ideals of "pretty". Men portrayed as morons. the list goes on. It's all junk really. Hollywood has hurt all of humanity. They are just going around making everyone feel like garbage, so they can sell stuff.

I read deeply into everything, I can't stop, I do it all the time. It is NOT something I can choose. It's a burden on my mind. But I can't stop. never could.

[Amy413]

....

One thing that has been helping me out is yoga. Doesn't take anything fancy to do and helps clear my mind. I'm starting to become a lot calmer and slowly able to control negative thoughts.

....

Thanks for reminding me. I've been starting to "kinda" do yoga. I need to learn more.
I also have back problems from being in front of a computer so much, I've been stretching in a yoga-like way.
I'll download some videos and learn.

It's an excuse to put on somethng more comfortable too 
That always makes me feel better.