Struggling with loneliness, isolation and

[ERPassionflower]

Hi I'm new to the forum,
I'm 20yrs old, from Canada and recently reached the 1yr mark of hrt this February.

Sorry to start off my postings with something negative...

I know that I'm extremely lucky with how everything has turned out for myself. I Haven't really lost very much support from friends, acquaintances and family since I've been transitioning. I probably look pretty good in terms of appearances, despite being 6'4, I'm smart and have dedicated tons of time to my musical passion. And I am lucky to live in Canada under my family's roof and have decent amount of private music lessons, tutoring, TA work and bookkeeping to keep me afloat.

Despite those things, there are other difficulties of life that I'm struggling with right now that I'm finding a difficult time to surpass.

Since transitioning I've been changing a lot and have been becoming more and more disconnected from my closest friends (my 4 bandmates, all male [metal band]). I've progressively been bothered by changing interests + being unable to haul heavy guitar gear, and less interested in metal music and the guy lifestyle... Anyways, recently I quit the band because it wasn't possible for me anymore and its really sad because I've sort of lost my connection with my friends in the process even if they will always consider me their friend..

I've made attempts to connect with other girls that I seemed to click with, but have been feeling a very one sided effort despite the fact that we seem to connect pretty well. I'm also living with my dad who loves me lots and wants the best for me, but can be sort of emotionally abusive and can make for a difficult home environnment.

I'm really happy with how I've changed over the past year, but I've also been struggling with lifelong depression, self-esteem issues, loneliness, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. I've been looking around for places where I can meet people (dating apps, coed basketball, college cooking classes, lgbtq events, etc.) But its a very secluded community with nothing to really offer in terms of opportunities to meet new people. And the only local Lgbtq events are drinking events and drag shows and am really not into that sort of scene, and I can't drink anymore because it leads me towards an emotional/depressed/uncontrolled state + I really don't like the lifestyle... And based on how bad the hookup culture is on dating apps and being trans in general. I'm really losing hope in finding a relationship with a guy, let alone even making new close friends.

I've been studying music at university recently (2.5yrs), but it was probably a bad decision as it was ruining my passion for music that is 12+ years in the making. I had to drop out of this semester because I had 2 suicide attempts after prolonged periods of hopelessness and there was no way I could complete the schooling at an adequate level after spending so much time in the hospital.

I've been seeing a councillor and attending our regular, but small trans support group . But I'm finding it hard to stay on track with my future as its seeming pretty bleak at the moment. I'm starting to feel like things wont get better and that I need to make changes/actions some time soon..  I know after 2 times in the psych ward that putting my pain on those around me isn't an option.. but at the same time I'm feeling extremely lonely, and I just want to be able to form new close friendships and/or relationships so that I can at least have some way of easing this loneliness.

Sorry for the negative post. :$ any help would be greatly appreciated.

ERPassionflower

[stephaniec]

Well, there's always hope things happen out of nowhere. I've been alone all my life do to my dysphoria  , but I still remain hopeful of meeting someone. The important thing is to love yourself and have hope for the  future.

[Cindy]

Hi and welcome to Susan's,

What I do know is that there are plenty of Canadians here and people facing the same sort of issues. Sadly isolation is common until we can start to meet people and form relationships.

Post away here and start to met people.


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[KayXo]

Hi fellow Canadian!

Just curious, are you taking cyproterone acetate (Androcur) or medroxyprogesterone acetate (Provera)? These can lead to or exacerbate depression, sometimes to suicidal levels. A low dose estrogen, not enough to compensate for the loss of T can also leave one depressed, fatigued, unmotivated. Please don't state dosages.

[Mariah]

Hi and Welcome to Susan's. I know it can be frustrating sometimes as things change and even our interests change. I have found over my transition that several things that I never thought would change have. Yes my relationship with my friends changed, but I also gained new friends and relationships since transitioning that in many ways mean more to me than the old ones did. Our transitions are not just us transitioning but those around us and that includes are family and friends. Some will survive our transitions and others won't. Hang in there it will get better. Hugs
Mariah

[cindianna_jones]

First, please allow me to welcome you to the site. I'm glad  you are posting here. This is a very supportive place.

Second, don't think you are alone. Most of us go through similar experiences. Transition is a very painful time but just remember the definition of the word: transition. It is more than just changing your appearance and getting surgeries. It is a path to another place.

Do you know what that place will look like? Can you see it in your mind? Do you have goals and objectives to get there? Do you have a plan for your career?

See there? I've just asked you to do a million things to fill up your time. wicked no? If you have a goal, you must have milestones (objectives) or concrete things you must accomplish. Having those 'must do' things will get you through the transition process. Because you have a very good idea where you will be when you emerge on the other side.

Get an education. Most important of all this point in your life. You are determining your financial viability for the rest of your life.
You dropped school. Poor objective.
Get back into school, determine your career path. Good objective.
Finish school. Good objective.

I too was in a band in my youth. I played bass. And for the past decade, I've been in a symphony orchestra playing cello. When I was in college, I had music scholarships which paid me to get a degree in electrical engineering. I can't tell you how many times my music professors tried to get me to change my major. But I knew that music was a dead end for me in terms of making a good living. I still love to perform. I made a good decision. Was it the right decision? I'll never know. But I've had a great career. I had fun. Fun makes life good.

No matter what happens, we want to help out wherever we can in this cyberspace thing. You can get through this. Here's a virtual mocha latte. Enjoy.

Cindi

[ERPassionflower]

Hi fellow Canadian!

Just curious, are you taking cyproterone acetate (Androcur) or medroxyprogesterone acetate (Provera)? These can lead to or exacerbate depression, sometimes to suicidal levels. A low dose estrogen, not enough to compensate for the loss of T can also leave one depressed, fatigued, unmotivated. Please don't state dosages.

Hi thanks for the responses everyone. Yes I'm on cyproterone acetate as I was on Spirolactone before and was getting enough results on a high dosage. I've also switched back and forth between the pill and the patch because the patch was causing some scarring and the pill is not covered medically. Right now I'm on the pill, but plan to go back to the patch because its safer and more effective in my opinion.

[ERPassionflower]

First, please allow me to welcome you to the site. I'm glad  you are posting here. This is a very supportive place.

Second, don't think you are alone. Most of us go through similar experiences. Transition is a very painful time but just remember the definition of the word: transition. It is more than just changing your appearance and getting surgeries. It is a path to another place.

Do you know what that place will look like? Can you see it in your mind? Do you have goals and objectives to get there? Do you have a plan for your career?

See there? I've just asked you to do a million things to fill up your time. wicked no? If you have a goal, you must have milestones (objectives) or concrete things you must accomplish. Having those 'must do' things will get you through the transition process. Because you have a very good idea where you will be when you emerge on the other side.

Get an education. Most important of all this point in your life. You are determining your financial viability for the rest of your life.
You dropped school. Poor objective.
Get back into school, determine your career path. Good objective.
Finish school. Good objective.

I too was in a band in my youth. I played bass. And for the past decade, I've been in a symphony orchestra playing cello. When I was in college, I had music scholarships which paid me to get a degree in electrical engineering. I can't tell you how many times my music professors tried to get me to change my major. But I knew that music was a dead end for me in terms of making a good living. I still love to perform. I made a good decision. Was it the right decision? I'll never know. But I've had a great career. I had fun. Fun makes life good.

No matter what happens, we want to help out wherever we can in this cyberspace thing. You can get through this. Here's a virtual mocha latte. Enjoy.

Cindi

Thanks for everyones response, it makes me feel less alone with these things ,

(sips my mocha)

Yes  I have been making some goals right now.. I dropped my music bachelor because of how depressed and stressed out earlier in the school term. I originally wanted to teach in a school setting, but I don't think so now, and I found that my composition prof wasn't respectful of the style I wanted to write. I was forced to fill my courses with tons of music history, Vocal Ensemble every semester (detested having to sing bass), conducting, percussion techniques, woodwind etc. And I was finding that it was ruining my interest in music having to go home and do music activities I wasn't passionate about, as I write my own music for piano/guitar/bass/percussion and play at an advanced level. Right now I'm working 5 well paying part time jobs, no osap debt and have support from my family so I'm fortunate to be at a comfortable place right now.

I have my SRS surgery scheduled for November 2016 so I'm super excited about that!!! I'm almost 21, so I have lots of time to figure out what career I want to pursue and am trying not to stress myself over it (maybe doctor, socialwork, or some kind of college trade)..

. I'm thinking it might be best to take the 2016-17 school year off too because I know I'll need to recover from my surgery that's scheduled for Nov 2016 at Dr. Brassards clinic. and my family is okay with me being at home during that period so I'm really lucky to have that.

In the mean time, I'm hoping to record my first EP at home this summer so I'm really happy with that goal.. The main thing for me would be the search of new friends and hopefully a relationship to make things a little less lonely.. I find it easy to dream about being close to a man I, or having those close friends. But am trying to stick with reality and focus on what I have or what I can do to meet those people.

I've sort of eased my situation with my band, so we will always be friends. But am also trying to seek other healthy activities where I can hopefully meet people I can create a bond with.

[KayXo]

Yes I'm on cyproterone acetate

As this progestogen/anti-androgen increases risk of depression and you have experienced the above symptoms, including suicidal thoughts, I would advise you reconsider your choice of anti-androgen with your doctor.

J Clin Endocrinol Metab. 2012 Dec;97(12):4422-8.

"Of the antiandrogens studied, only cyproterone acetate was significantly associated with depression(8.3%, P  0.05)"

"Cyproterone acetate use is statistically more likely to cause depression than the other antiandrogen types used in this study. These results are consistent with previous studies using cyproterone acetate to treat hirsutism (11–13)."

European Journal of Endocrinology (2011) 164 635–642

"Depressive mood changes have been reported in cyproterone acetate use"

J Sex Reprod Med 2001;1:45–51.

"a high incidence of depression with its associated increased risk of suicide, for which persons with GID are already at increased risk, is reported by Asscheman et al (7) who routinely use CPA."

Cyproterone acetate is also associated with extreme tiredness in some. This may be due to reduction in B12 levels. Lastly, cyproterone acetate interacts negatively with oral estradiol metabolism, decreasing absorption and bio-availability (similar to spironolactone) due, most probably, to CYP3A4 induction.

There are other options other than spironolactone and cyproterone acetate.

1) Bicalutamide (Casodex), quite safe and effectively blocks androgens. Increases absorption and bio-availability of oral estrogen
2) GnRh agonists such as Lupron, Zoladex which stop testicular production of androgen
3) Injectable estrogen (available in Canada through compounding pharmacies) taken alone, will reduce T to castrate levels on its own

Right now I'm on the pill, but plan to go back to the patch because its safer and more effective in my opinion.

I just hope you're getting an adequate dose so as to offset low levels of T.

I have my SRS surgery scheduled for November 2016 (...) at Dr. Brassards clinic.

I had my surgery with him as well. He advised me NOT to do genital electrolysis but I still ended up with hair inside my vagina. Just beware, something you might consider doing JUST in case.