minor emergency in terms of passing... (backwards)

[Rachael]

Right, long story short, my estranged family phone on monday and inform me my grandmother, who i loved dearly, has died. She never knew her granddaughter. and ive been told to come to the funeral (i do want to be there) but as a BOY... the why for, how whens are irelevant, i have to do it. HOW?
this sounds stupid from someone who lived 19 years of her life as a male, but i dont know if i can do it anymore? my best friend who is bruitally honest with me told me i cant. what do i do? i mean, i can bind, im wearing a suit. but i have shapely thighs, hips, narrow waist, boobs, narrower shoulders and longer hair. if i put it in a pony tail, low or high, it looks exceedingly feminine, especially with my haircut (a girls style) plus i have no facial hair, and my voice is pretty much permanently female, and trying to go deep hurts my voice (it sortof changed since i  started hrt, and wont go back (again, the 'omg hrt doesnt do that' routine isnt helpful or relevant, point is its stuck girl) What the frilling do i do? im not very sure about passing as a boy anymore, i dont know the first thing of f2m presentation, i mean, my bum is too female for a mens suit, and anything female would be too obviously girl. what do i do? :S
R

[Berliegh]

Right, long story short, my estranged family phone on monday and inform me my grandmother, who i loved dearly, has died. She never knew her granddaughter. and ive been told to come to the funeral (i do want to be there) but as a BOY... the why for, how whens are irelevant, i have to do it. HOW?
this sounds stupid from someone who lived 19 years of her life as a male, but i dont know if i can do it anymore? my best friend who is bruitally honest with me told me i cant. what do i do? i mean, i can bind, im wearing a suit. but i have shapely thighs, hips, narrow waist, boobs, narrower shoulders and longer hair. if i put it in a pony tail, low or high, it looks exceedingly feminine, especially with my haircut (a girls style) plus i have no facial hair, and my voice is pretty much permanently female, and trying to go deep hurts my voice (it sortof changed since i  started hrt, and wont go back (again, the 'omg hrt doesnt do that' routine isnt helpful or relevant, point is its stuck girl) What the frilling do i do? im not very sure about passing as a boy anymore, i dont know the first thing of f2m presentation, i mean, my bum is too female for a mens suit, and anything female would be too obviously girl. what do i do? :S
R

Wear a suit but a female cut suit and don't try and cover up anything. This is how you are and want to live your life.....I know the same situation is going to happen to me sooner or later and I'm not going to back peddle on this one...

[Wing Walker]

Wear a suit but a female cut suit and don't try and cover up anything. This is how you are and want to live your life.....I know the same situation is going to happen to me sooner or later and I'm not going to back peddle on this one...

Right on, Berliegh!

I had the same experience when a post-op M to F friend called me and asked me to help her tape the wedding of the daughter of another, mutual friend.  That mutual friend was the first transsexual person I  had ever met.  I have known her since 1984 and I was in her corner during her transition.

The friend asking me to help with the taping asked me to dress as a male.  I gagged on that one!

When I showed-up to help with the taping she was in leather and looking as masculine as she could.  Me, I showed in slacks and a proper top. wearing a bra under the top, and a pair of slip-on shoes with knee-high nylons. 

My help was not rejected.

Berliegh is right about being true to yourself.  If you bind and go male you will not forgive yourself very soon.

Besides, what do you have to lose?

Wishing you well,

Wing Walker

[Rachael]

what i have to loose, is the hope of my family ever accepting me, ever...
i cant buy a female cut suit, as i barely have enough money to eat, and now get the train home. If i wear a female cut suit, i will look female, and my parents will claim im making this about myself, like when i sent my sister a birthday card with my real name on it, she claimed i stole her birthday. My family dont acknowlage my being female. they think my being IS should be cured with T shots. They accuse me of being selfish and hurting them by wanting to be me. I simply cannot turn up to the funeral as a female, im likely to be turned away and made a spectacle of.There IS no easy route out of this but to comply.
i know about binding redfish. its one of the easy parts i guess. and as for painting on facial hair? seriously?
on a scary note, i tried on my suit last night, and i look like a business lesbian! ><

R

[Berliegh]

what i have to loose, is the hope of my family ever accepting me, ever...
i cant buy a female cut suit, as i barely have enough money to eat, and now get the train home. If i wear a female cut suit, i will look female, and my parents will claim im making this about myself, like when i sent my sister a birthday card with my real name on it, she claimed i stole her birthday. My family dont acknowlage my being female. they think my being IS should be cured with T shots. They accuse me of being selfish and hurting them by wanting to be me. I simply cannot turn up to the funeral as a female, im likely to be turned away and made a spectacle of.There IS no easy route out of this but to comply.
i know about binding redfish. its one of the easy parts i guess. and as for painting on facial hair? seriously?
on a scary note, i tried on my suit last night, and i look like a business lesbian! ><

R

Dealing with relatives is very difficult but it doesn't help to sit on the fence. My mum still insists on calling me by my male name and I cannot do anything about that. But there does come a point for many of us where we might have to make a choice which is either transition publically or not. Family members will try and turn against you, although my sister is very supportive and has been from the start. Yours may not be so good about it and many family mermbers can be very unpleasant towards us. I had a friend who was banned by her family from going to her own fathers wake!

If it is a problem don't go........or go as a guy... and if you still look female that's not your fault............but ultimately these problems will never go away.....and something else will come up.....and so on.....

[Seshatneferw]

on a scary note, i tried on my suit last night, and i look like a business lesbian! ><

Then tell that to your family: you can make the attempt, but you are far enough that it just won't work, whatever you do. Then go to the funeral as a business lesbian, and try to cope with the s*t you'll get from your parents. That way you can keep being honest, get to say goodbye to your grandmother, and have a chance demonstrating to your family that there's no way you could be a man. But warn them first.

I hope it works out in the end. Good luck.

  Nfr

[taru]

Maybe the FTM guides could help you - like F2M Passing Guide.

You will probably end up looking androgynous, but if people expect to see someone male many of them will just dismiss any evidence to the contrary as their imagination.

[Rachael]

thanks, tbh, the only people who will possibly recognise me, or expect a male, is my mother, father, and sister, the only people who CARE even ><. just being there is going to shock them, its six months since theyve seen me, and i passed the gayish andro phase LONG ago, i wonder if they even recognise me? i guess i just dont want the trouble if they deem me, 'too female' and that im 'doing it on purpose' to steal the attention from my grandmother...
R

[daisybelle]

Do you have a digital camera??? 

Take a picture of yourself wearing your suit, and wearing a dress you deem appropriate for your grandmother's funeral.  Shoot even send them one showing you have real girl parts that are not stuffing or padding (not in a pornographic way though).  Sent these to your parents and ask which is more acceptable.   They probably think you will pop back into male mode easily, but as you said you look like a business lesbian.  My guess is that they do not believe you can pass off being dress as a female, and they do not want any distractions from the funeral.  However as you describe being dress as male will most certainly add a more distracting look from every attendee to the funeral.

Whereas wearing a dress will just allow you to blend in.

Lastly even after showing them a picture, and they say dress male then do it.   But warn them before hand that any snide comment and you won't see them ever again.

Just some thoughts

Daisy

[Berliegh]

I disagree with Daisy.........Just dress down as much as possible and keep a low profile in the background and just try and just get through it...

[Kate]

If it is a problem don't go........or go as a guy... and if you still look female that's not your fault............but ultimately these problems will never go away.....and something else will come up.....and so on.....

Exactly. This won't be an isolated incident. This is the reality of transitioning that must be dealt with.

The mother of a coworker whom I'm fairly close to passed away recently. I wanted to go to the services, but I ultimately talked myself out of it, fearing I'd be a "distraction" for everyone there. I told myself I was doing everyone a "favour."

And I now HATE myself for it. She's since told me I absolutely should have come, "you are who you are and it's nothing to be ashamed of," though she said she of course understood how I felt though. But... I'll never make that mistake again. I'd rather have gone, been stared at, but having shown my support for someone I care about... rather than played it "safe" for everyone ELSE and hurt a friend (and myself) in the process.

We ARE who we are now. Yes, it leads to some awkward situations with unaccepting people. But is that OUR fault or theirs?

~Kate~

[LostInTime]

My mother did not wish for my grandparents to know. It was tough on me but I did my best to hide it all, untransitioning when I did the first time helped with that, but by the time one of them passed on I was past the point of no return. No makeup, hair tied back, and a suit jacket. I did what I had to do for the family.

When the second grandparent passed on I considered myself released from the demand and it was the first time that much of the family met me in that way. I promised to not make a big deal out of it but that I would answer any questions thrown at me. Not a single question came my way throughout the funeral and afterwards. I wore slacks, dress shoes, and a nice top.

When it came down to it, being there to lay family members to rest was more important than anything else. Then again I was raised a bit "Old World" in respect to the family unit (which is why I occasionally get grief for never having spawned any children, in particular a male to carry on the family name).

[gothique11]

That sucks. If anyone dies in my family they want me to do the same thing (LOL).

One thing I found out, although, is that it's very hard for me to look "male." I tried this at a friends place for fun, and he and my other friend said, "Wow, you look even more feminine and really cute! You look like you're wearing your boyfriend's clothes!" The clothes, of course, weren't mine (they were his) and were a little bit big on me, but it was funny. Yeah, in a weird way it just showed that boy clothes don't fit me at all and I couldn't look male if I tried. LOL

So, I don't know if there is much you can do, if you're body is female, even with boy clothes you aren't going to look like a boy. It sucks to be in your situation.

But, I agree with every on else, that you'll feel better going as yourself. I had a friend last year who had to go as "male" to her dad's funeral, and it was really hard on her (she was on HRT for months and already living full-time). And even though she tried wearing guy clothes and the whole works, people still noticed how feminine she looked (and that irked her family even more!). It's also because she carries herself as a female (femininity is much more than the outside appearance).

In a weird way, boy clothes actually bring more attention to the fact that your female, since they clothes won't fit right and don't match your gender. It's actually more obvious for some reason. That's why people who go on HRT and start having body changes and continue to be on boy mode start finding that people are looking at them weirdly... people just pick up on it. I know a couple of people who had to go full time after several months of dragging their heals on HRT because they started to look more and more female, and their boy clothes have started to stop matching their gender.

Knowing this, and how mischievous I am, I'd be almost tempted to go to the next family funeral wearing a nice boy suit, cause I know that I'm just going to look sexy and feminine anyway, and it would really irk family members that hate me -- then I can say,  "Well, I tried looking like a boy like you said." And I'll bring a dress with me in my luggage and have it ready because I know someone is going to say, "Get a dress on! You're pulling way too much attention with that stupid boy suit on!" Muhahahahahaha!  >

Yeah, I have my evil ways planned out already. Or probably, I'll end up going in a nice dress and not care what others think and they will either physically remove me (assuming I'm invited to anything) or, they will have a suit ready for me and try to buzz my hair (believe it or not, that was one threat I got from one family member if I dared came to visit or go to a funeral as the woman I am). I would love to see them put a suit on me and buzz my hair only to see that I still look female and there is nothing they can do to take that way. They can take my clothes, my hair, my make up -- but they never can take my womanhood from me. No one can.

And to that point, Rachel, no one can ever take your womanhood away.


--natalie

Posted on: October 11, 2007, 12:01:48 PMI guess before I sound like too much of a wicked girl, I should note that I'm not invited to any family members funeral, so the above things won't happen. It's actually pretty hard. But I've been written out of wills and my grandparents don't talk to me. I'm already dead to them.

Other family members keep me at distance, and even try to hide the fact that about me to children. My dad won't tell my half-sister (13) about me because he thinks it will damage her, and I got in trouble for calling the house because "I sounded too female" and my sister kept asking my dad questions why I sounded like a girl, and why I wasn't coming over anymore, and why she isn't allowed to see me. The truth is, it's him who can't handle it.

I just found out through the rumor mill that my brother and his wife are having a baby, something that I wasn't told about and it looks like I won't ever see they baby. He's started to talk to me some, but didn't talk to me for 10 months before that, and his wife hates my guts and I'm not invited to there home. Now, at least, I know why he's stopped talking to me all over again.

[daisybelle]

I disagree with Daisy.........Just dress down as much as possible and keep a low profile in the background and just try and just get through it...

Not argueing, but I suggested that the easiest way to keep a low profile might be to dress as a female.

But certainly taking a picture of potential outfits as they appear on Rachael both male and female and letting the reality sink in on the parents before she gets there would be easier.

Rachael -- have your parents seen you completely enfemme... with your new enhanced body parts?

Daisy

[Kate]

But certainly taking a picture of potential outfits as they appear on Rachael both male and female and letting the reality sink in on the parents before she gets there would be easier.

That's true, but doesn't that seem demeaning somehow? My parents asked to see a photo of Kate, but it just felt so wrong to do. Like I'm apologizinig, submitting myself for approval, or to reduce the shock of seeing a "deviant" like me in person. It sorta reinforces the idea that I'm an outcast and need permission to be me.

I mean, no offense, but there comes a time when people need to grow up and get OVER it already. It is what it is. It's not like birds fall dead out of the sky when I walk outside, lol. People making a big deal out of it MAKES it a big deal.

~Kate~

[daisybelle]

Kate if your avatar is a picture of you then you never have anything to worry about.

Getting their approval is demeaning.   You are putting your heart on a platter and handling them a hammer and trusting they will not beat it to a pulp.

Not sure which is harder in person or thru email.   The only value to EMAIL would be the pressure to decide would be handled before you arrive for the funeral.

Just a thought

Daisy

[seldom]

The photo is not how Kate looks, but she does look pretty good from the pictures I have seen. 

[Kate]

The photo is not how Kate looks, but she does look pretty good from the pictures I have seen. 

Thank you! Yes, sorry for the occasional confusion it seems to create. I DO label it "my muse" to point out it's not a photo of (physical) me, but...

I'd replace it with something more abstract, but... I can't. For personal religious reasons, really... I just can't

(this is when my wife usually chimes in with "ya know, with everything ELSE going on, couldn't you TRY to be a little more sane otherwise?")

And now back to our regularly scheduled thread topic...

~Kate~

[Dennis]

Back to the original question, I'd just wear dress pants and a loose cut shirt, hair in ponytail and no makeup. Let people draw their own conclusions. I suspect most people will think you're female and your family can't accuse you of dressing female to draw attention to yourself.

Dennis

[Berliegh]

Back to the original question, I'd just wear dress pants and a loose cut shirt, hair in ponytail and no makeup. Let people draw their own conclusions. I suspect most people will think you're female and your family can't accuse you of dressing female to draw attention to yourself.

Dennis

I tend to agree with you Dennis...