Missing people

[Asche]

I was looking at some old threads I posted in and was reminded of some names I don't see here any more.

I miss them.

Sometimes this forum has a kind of "Empty chairs and empty tables" feel to it for me ....

[suzifrommd]

I was looking at some old threads I posted in and was reminded of some names I don't see here any more.

I miss them.

Sometimes this forum has a kind of "Empty chairs and empty tables" feel to it for me ....

I know exactly what you mean. People who were an everyday part of my life have moved on. Occasionally one of them comes back, though, and it makes my day.

[Satinjoy]

Lol.

Everyone that knows me is fine darlings.  That you can know.

Nuff said.  Its not something i talk about.

☺

[cindianna_jones]

Very few stick around after transition. That's quite normal. People get on with their life in different ways. I joined the board 10 years ago, 20 years after my transition. I'm here to help pay it forward. I went through some tough spots in "my time" and I just want to help others who may have similar problems. It's not a calling, it's an adventure!

Cindi

[stephaniec]

big turn around

[Eva Marie]

I've seen many, many people come and go over the years that I've hung out here. Some of them I really miss. Like Cindi I check in here to try to pay it forward.

[cindianna_jones]

I've seen many, many people come and go over the years that I've hung out here. Some of them I really miss. Like Cindi I check in here to try to pay it forward.

What we need here is a like button.

[Asche]

Very few stick around after transition. That's quite normal. People get on with their life in different ways.

And a lot of times, people leave because they don't feel comfortable.

Binary trans spaces are often not exactly welcoming to non-binary people.  Even when people aren't saying or implying that non-binary people are wrong or mentally ill to feel the way they do, they tend to ignore the existence of perspectives that aren't binary.

Some of us do "transition" in the way binary folk understand it.  But, at least for some of us who do, there's still a part of us that doesn't fit in, and we can "get on with our lives" only to the extent we can ignore that part.  Back when this was an active and lively forum, much of what we talked about was the ways in which we didn't fit in to either gender box.  And even if we didn't find people who felt exactly like we did, we found people who could at least relate to (and respect) our sense of not fitting in.

So I can't help wondering how the people who are no longer here are getting on.  Did some of them find a life where they feel at home, to the point that they no longer need to come here?  And how many are still in the difficult places they were back when I knew them?  Or (FSM forbid) worse?

[Satinjoy]

This is a tricky thread.

Nonbinary and binary have to break through the divide.  They will.  We will.  Its not a nice world and if we dont get our s togethercwe will be peeing in mens rooms and getting raped, nb or not.  The stakes are too high.

As to the happiness factor, emphatically yes.  I remain in contact with my friens, phone, face time, social media.  We all are fine.  We are united in trans.  We know who we are.

As to leaving, you can take, grow, go.  Dissapear into stealth.  But some stay to help others, to lead, guide, challenge.

You lost them, yes.  In this space.  Folks can only look at their own parts to understand the why.

Trans must unite and it already did.  The nb and binary split is long gone.  Its time to understand that and get past it.  But some see reflections of themselves they cant handle, they react in fear, and minimize or devalue the other.

They just are not ready for the mirror.  Mirrors are hard in early transition, and we are mirrors of truth.  Some cannot handle it.  It can hurt.

Sj.

[Asche]

I'm beginning to think I'm in the process of doing the slow fade as well.  Not out of any conscious plan so much as finding fewer and fewer occasions or reasons to participate.

Not that I've had much in the way of negative experiences.  It's just that I'm feeling less and less like I have much in common with the people who are (still) here at Susans.org .  It's like being at a party where you don't know anyone very well and, however polite everyone is and however much they may say you're welcome to stay and why don't you just loosen up and enjoy yourself, you realize that everyone is on a rather different wavelength.  You can try to be interested in what everyone else is going on about, but the inner you isn't getting fed for some reason.  Nobody's fault, you're just in a different place.

I'm still trying to figure it out, but I do notice a few things.  For one, most posts assume that everyone has a gender identity and it's either male or female, and it was there at birth.  (The "male brain" vs. "female brain" trope seems to be a part of this.)  Me, I'm still trying to figure out what people even mean by "gender identity," and the only way I've ever been able to make sense of "gender" is to see it as something made up, sort of like the Super Bowl or roller derby, which gets so widely accepted that it seems like a part of the fabric of the universe.  The idea of someone having a "female brain" makes about as much sense to me as having a "web-designer brain" or a "Yankees-fan brain."  All I really know about gender is what I've learned from 50-60 years of people around me trying to brainwash me to "be a man" (and "don't be a girl"), and at this point, it's BDTD and just ewww!!  (Which BTW is the reason I'm transitioning -- to stop being a man.)

For another, pretty much all discussions here revolve around gender, and gender is only a part of what I'm dealing with.  In fact, it may be the part I have figured out the most.  I periodically make a list of the issues I know fairly certainly are what I'm dealing with, and gender (or rather the mismatch between my nature and what I was being brainwashed to be) is only one of them.  If I post about the non-gender stuff, though, I don't get much of a response.

I think what I liked about this forum, back when it was an active forum, was that the discussion wasn't so much about what gender people were as who they were.  Even if I had no clue as to what this or that person was going on about, I got a sense that they were talking in some way about who they were.  (My experience of the Man Code is that you never talk about who you really are, you only talk about who you're pretending to be.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.)  But then they moved away.  Yes, Satinjoy is back, sort of, but it's hard to have a decent block party with only two or three people.

[stephaniec]

well, I somewhat understand your situation, but for me personally I've posted over 10000 items, questions, news items, quandaries , stupid questions clothes question nail polish questions, I just post a fashion item yesterday about gender neutral. I really try to be all inclusive in the news items and quandaries I post . I personally  consider myself a pre op bi-trans M-F binary leaning hominid . I do think I really try to be inclusive of everyone. I know I don't always get replies , but I do post a lot to keep the conversation moving plus I like investigating the nature of this little community. I was here when there was more discussion of different aspects of the nature of what constitutes being transgender and all the colors of the rainbow. I never could understand why people have trouble talking about things without attacking others. It still happens now, There are things I believe the community needs to be aware  of and to peacefully talk about for the benefit of all , but I can't post them because some seem unwilling to be civil about discussion, I]m sorry that this is the case because there are important topics in the transgender community that need to be discussed if we are to have a better community. Not to sound like a bitter arrogant sloth , but I post pictures of myself and never get any type of comment, good, bad, constructive  whatever  when others get pages upon pages of comment, but whatever. I think Susan's is an incredibly important place and I plan on sticking around for the foreseeable future , but that could change. I don't know the caliber of other sites and I really have no interest in looking. I looked around before I came here and decided to invest my time here.  I mean again I truly try as far as I know to be considerate of everyone and always try to post all inclusively .

[Emileeeee]

I've missed a few people here too, mainly the ones that had a big impact on whether or not I could actually do the transition. I really do enjoy the fact that we have post transition people still on here. You're all an amazing resource.

I don't normally see that in real life support settings and it made it a bit scary in the beginning when people kept telling me nobody's happy after they transition and I kept finding articles supporting that too. It's nice to know it can and does work out in the end.

I had a lot of fear in the beginning and you helped me get past that. I plan to stick around to do the same.

[Emileeeee]

(Which BTW is the reason I'm transitioning -- to stop being a man.)

Well you're not alone there. I never felt like I needed to be a woman. I just felt like I needed to not be a man, or more specifically, to not be treated like I was. If I don't want to be a man, I must need to be a woman, so here I am.

For another, pretty much all discussions here revolve around gender, and gender is only a part of what I'm dealing with.  In fact, it may be the part I have figured out the most.  I periodically make a list of the issues I know fairly certainly are what I'm dealing with, and gender (or rather the mismatch between my nature and what I was being brainwashed to be) is only one of them.  If I post about the non-gender stuff, though, I don't get much of a response.

Well when you're trying to figure out where you belong, you do tend to focus on labels and those labels in our community tend to be associated with gender stereotypes. After awhile, when you start becoming yourself, you stop worrying about labels, but the majority of people in these forums seem to be people that are just starting out and trying to figure out who they are.

The forum experience varies. I do find that if I word the subject in a way that invites people to share their own experiences, I get a lot of responses. If I ask a more direct question, I only get a few, and my direct questions are those that don't pertain to gender. I've been known (under an old name/account from probably about 10+ years ago) to say things that people were apparently afraid to say, but I said it because I needed answers so I could understand myself. When I did that I rarely ever got any responses on the thread, but I would get PM's from people telling me how much they appreciate me bringing that up.

(My experience of the Man Code is that you never talk about who you really are, you only talk about who you're pretending to be.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.) 

And that's part of the reason I needed to come to this forum. I'm going to tell another guy I need to be a woman? That I can't get through most movies without crying? That I like anything that's even remotely considered feminine? I'd have to have a death wish for that. I needed somebody to talk to and I found that here. I was also referred to a couple support groups and therapists from here.

[Dena]

I have been on the site for less than a year and as a moderator, the missing people are very noticeable. We are constantly looking for people to become global moderators because we are very short handed. Mostly what we are after is people with a pretty clean history with about 1000 post who are very supportive of others. I ran the numbers the others day and the number of people with 2000 post or more is 100 people. The number with 1000 or more is 200. The catch is of those 200 people, many are former staff members, current staff members, no longer active and in some cases have personal issues which would make them a bad fit. Of the remaining ones, most refuse the offer to become a global moderator.

Susan's is a place you come to in order to grow personally when you need help that can't be found elsewhere. After that has been accomplished, it's healthy to return to society and be around others in life. Most of use who remain do so because we feel an obligation to those who helped us and the best way to repay it is by passing it on to the next generation.

In a way, it shows how successful Susan has been in helping people because they no longer feel the need for a support site. Unfortunately, those of use who remain to help others find ourselves spread pretty thin at times.

When you were young, you were dependent on your family. As you grew, you went through higher education and moved a bit farther from your family. The end of the road was to move out on your own and possibly start a family of your own. Susan's is much like life. The place where you transition from one life to another.

[Ayla]

Often you learn more when you leave than when you stay.  Like many who left the table and started on another path I have found that Ativan had it right when they said that we have way more in common than we have in difference.

I am sure that Shan, Taka, Julie et al each remember this forum more fondly now we have left.  The forum and our family here played a huge part in played in our lives, and for that we will always be extremely thankful.

Safe travels

Isla

[KarlMars]

What we need here is a like button.

Isn't that the same as the thumbs up reputation button? I gave you a plus one on your last post.

[KarlMars]

And a lot of times, people leave because they don't feel comfortable.

Binary trans spaces are often not exactly welcoming to non-binary people.  Even when people aren't saying or implying that non-binary people are wrong or mentally ill to feel the way they do, they tend to ignore the existence of perspectives that aren't binary.

Some of us do "transition" in the way binary folk understand it.  But, at least for some of us who do, there's still a part of us that doesn't fit in, and we can "get on with our lives" only to the extent we can ignore that part.  Back when this was an active and lively forum, much of what we talked about was the ways in which we didn't fit in to either gender box.  And even if we didn't find people who felt exactly like we did, we found people who could at least relate to (and respect) our sense of not fitting in.

So I can't help wondering how the people who are no longer here are getting on.  Did some of them find a life where they feel at home, to the point that they no longer need to come here?  And how many are still in the difficult places they were back when I knew them?  Or (FSM forbid) worse?

I think that we binary people have more distinct ideas of gender roles and sometimes wanting to fit our personal ideal of the opposite sex. I went through a phase when I first came here where because I wasn't accepted by others as a F2M that for awhile I thought I'd conceal it and first asked a question about how to get a penis and phsyically stay a woman so I wouldn't have any prejudiced against me. I really want to be a full male so I have to stay stronger.

[Satinjoy]

There is still a thousand miles of hurt.

I came back because I am driven to help others who are trans.  Yes this was a very special place.  But now i watch what i say.

To have the dynamics Asche speaks of you have to feel safe.  To really open up, and live publically, as i do both irl and in other support groups, you have to trust.

It has to be family watching out for each other.

That is what was lost. 

I fear every word i speak can trigger, so i watch my tongue.  I promised Cindy that i wont open old wounds, and i will keep that promise.  6 months was a long time, the consequence of a bitter tongue that should have stayed quiet.  I was very angry....i should have not spoken.  It cost me.

In the end, we face a 41 percent suicidality rate, 70% arguably death and misery rate, all due to the world we must face down.

You dont survive that well hiding who you are from those who should be carrying you.

Trust is everything.  There are parts in here where i foind myself.  Parts where rage exploded taking out other peoples feelings.  Rage that was born of a nightmare childhood and 55 years of forced gender role that stole my beauty years from me.

Build an island of safety for yourselves.  Find a way to protect what is good and right.  Look at who you have and live free.

I am not sure why i am here, why i came back.  I have a deep love for those who moved on.

But like an aging lady of the forest i linger here, sadly, haunting my treehouse of old watching my tongue, silently looking on as a memory of past glory, remembering, remembering...

I hope i can continue to do that, and if i see trouble, i will speak.

Satinjoy.