I posted a long time ago been so busy. I had my first week at work as a database engineer. I am so happy and love the job. The one thing I came out to HR and she was super supportive she asked if she can tell my boss he was super supportive also. I then came out to two co workers that is super supportive and love the idea to bits. They warned me about people that may not be that supportive and HR also warned me of one person.I am free to transition in the work place now and that is awesome. But I am taking it slow.
They also said they will pay for me to finish my degree. That is awesome in my life I love it.
How is my feelings and moods about my divorce?
I am still sad about divorcing who won't be?
My wife is clearly moving on good she is looking for a new person and met someone. I still some days wish I could reverse this all she had her good times but unfortunately the bad started over ruling. I also played around with dates but realised I will stick around in the singles club a while longer. I still got to much feelings for her I don't cry as much as I used too so I guess I am letting go but I am sad for the ending of my marriage.
I hope in the end transitioning is going to be the right thing for me. Only me myself can say if it would no one else can. I never had a sexual thrill from the thought of transitioning rather it felt like a need. I was out with some other trans people the other night and I realised all that their life is about is transitioning. I don't want to judge but I don't want to live transgender as a lifestyle I want to be a normal woman on the other side of the spectrum. I wan't to have normal woman friends and just be what I am then. A woman. We went out and we where not laughing or having fun or dancing everything was this bitter transness because they are struggling to get hormones and want to self medicate and things.
They told me about their cross dressing fetishes and asked me am I the same and it is like no. When I put on woman's clothing before I went on hormones my soul felt if it was being ripped apart and I would sit on the floor and sob in tears because of what I can't be. I did not have the sexual thrill. They want breasts for a sexual thrill. I have got small ones now and they are asking me do I play with them and it is like no. I don't! They started to ask a lot of uncomfortable questions about sexual things about the breasts and genitals and I don't want to offend people but I started to question there intentions with transitioning. I wonder if that may be the reason why the one is struggling two years to get hormones from her therapist? She is self medicating on herbs that is obviously not working.
I am no one to judge someones intentions on transitioning or not. It is their choice but you start to question what are they thinking of gaining. It looks to me like a sexual fetish taken to the extreme rather than being who you are. I was judged by these people and told I was not real because I am not embracing my body. I don't need to put on woman's clothes to do that in fact I never really did that because I have genital dysphoria from puberty that I wanted to castrate myself and did not master-bate because I did not want to touch it.
My trans was also challenged by these people in the sense if you could take a pill today that wil make you cis would you take it and I answered I will in a heart beat. They all looked at me shocked. They started to argue with me about why am I transitioning and I told them because it is not a choice. I wan't to be normal more than anything!!!! I would not have lost my family then. They are like we would never choose to be anything else than trans and crap.
Well I have a different opinion because I don't see myself as trans. I am unfortunately a unicorn one of the rarest people that many will come across. I am a beautiful person I am someone that by accident got a female formed brain in a male body. That makes me female a woman not transgender. You can't call someone with an off leg not human. After that night I don't feel transgender it is just a modifier to tell someone well I had a male body but I am on my way to being female and looking how I should so that I don't confuse the crap out of you and myself anymore. I have cis female friends that I love to bits. They make me feel female and not trans like these trans people do. Conversations is not about the fight... it is about shoes clothes shopping and laughing and men and life. We even go to the bathrooms together and my best friend and me is dressing up in the clothing shops. I feel that I don't bring up trans unless they ask. The strangest part I don't feel like I am acting like I normally did around men. I am just me. The strange part I can see the other trans people that is the super trans activists and crap is uncomfortable it is always an act. The one told me I walk like a man but she was not in fem mode or anything and I came back and told her you look like a man so shut up. I can walk like I want too. Never again in my life would I go out with these transgender people.
