Lately I've had some decent changes occur in my life. I moved back in with my parents, I planned to get different clothing to help make it a little easier, I'm even trying to work up my confidence to finally go see a therapist.
Well, it seems okay, but I'm not really sure how to feel about everything. See, I'm confused on why it takes people different times to realize they need/want to change. I'm 19 and only figured it out when I was about thirteen. It's not something that frustrates me because I'm happy I didn't have to go through it at a younger age. I wouldn't have been able to tell anyone anyways, so I would have only suffered. I'm also glad I figured it out now because if I waited until I was older, I don't think I would turn out as well as I could if I did it now. I don't mean to insult anyone who has only able to change then, or even realized it when they were older. By all means, I'm glad you went through it and are happy now. No, what I mean is that in order to be able to do what I like, I'd like to go through this at the best possible time so that I can cosplay, and feel better about myself. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's what makes me feel happier.
There's also the whole gender roles assigned by the civilizations around us. It's been a thought on my mind for a while. I just finished watching a documentary, like I normally do at night, and one of the transgenders said something that made me think. I can't quit remember it now, but it makes me think about gender itself. There are a few "hybrids" (not sure how to apply the name, I'm sorry if I offend anyone) which when met with certain situations can cause the gender barrier to crumble. I would love for a gender-less society because then we could all dress and act how we are as a person on the inside without the fear of being labeled for how we feel. I know there will always be complications with that idea, but it helps calm me. It's something I think about a lot.
After watching the documentary, I came here immediately because I feel great for once. Instead of being my typical self and getting angry with the people who have successfully transitioned because I've yet to do anything about it myself and take my frustration out on my guitar and just play for hours, or play video games, I actually feel happy. Normally it was all the talk about them finally being happy and looking the way they wanted to that got me going, but not tonight, and I'm not sure why. It makes me think of my situations and how a year ago I wasn't able to work up the courage to go to the therapist. I even set up the appointment and everything, but I just wasn't able to do it. But now it's a whole different story. I'm tired of always being angry and having to hide myself and correct people in my head for the mistakes that they don't know they're making. I hate not being able to dress like a girl, walk around like one, or even be recognized as one (although this one time when I was about fifteen or sixteen, I was wearing baggy clothes and had somewhat of long hair, and a clerk at the store said "did you ladies find everything?"... Yeah, I smiled more than a kid with candy). It's affecting my relationship with everyone around me, so now I've come to one conclusion.
By next week, I need to have worked up the courage to go set up another appointment (which I will need your guy's help with). I need to be prepared to lose everyone around me. Sadly enough, I already feel that I'm alone so I think I already have that part down. It just makes me sad, but what I need help with is motivation. If I'm stuck by myself, then I know I won't be able to do it. So, this is what I have to ask. Any kind of encouragement would be great! I'm finally going to be me and no one is going to stop me anymore
Good luck to those who are going through the process, or even having a hard time. I was lucky enough to start feeling that I needed a change, I hope you do too!
