I need something to change. (Final plea to my parents). I need advice.

[PrincessPatience]

Hey girls.. I feel like I'm really tired of this none changing life...I feel trapped in a bottomless pit that I'll never get out of...
I'm  thinking I should fake a suicide attempt to get my parents to understand how severe transitioning is to me and help me out? Please be opened minded and hear me out.. This is my final plead to them.  Let me explain.. I've been working my butt for 2 years to afford some of my surgeries yet I found out that I would have to work another 2 years or so to afford all my transition stuff. Even if I do get all the money my parents said they would never pay for college education as my true self a girl..  I'm 23 and haven't been to college yet and my parents know why. I'm not going yet  because they continue to ignore my trans issues and think of it as "phase". Then keep harassing me about school. Even though I had mentally shut down in 8th grade and had failed because of my dysphoria.  To the point where they had to take me out of public school and homeschool me. At the time they didn't know why I was trans and that being the root of the problem. they also think I haven't lived as male long enough to understand what I want in life. It sucks because I came out to them 3 year ago and yet I've made no progress in school, life or transition besides hrt. I tried to go to college and sweep my issues under the rug in 2011 when I went to my dream college parsons school of design in NYC for a summer course. However when i was there for a month I did great but I felt my self shutting down mentally again because of dysphoria. I didn't go out with people and didn't make friends with anyone there because I felt like a fake person putting on a mask everyday. Moments I feel selfish for thinking about faking my suicide but other times I feel like it's the only way for them to understand. My dysphoria is starting to inter-fere with my work life were I'm on the verge of quitting or either getting fire. They have the money to help me they just don't want to. It's stressful because I know transitioning is the only way for me to move on with my life  and deal with my demons that been holding me back from functioning and furfulling my dreams since middleschool. but they don't see it like that. Even though I've already went to a therapist/gender specialist with them who had diagnosed me as transgender. I can't move on with my life without transitioning. I feel like it's the only thing stopping from living my life. I don't go out or have friends or family I can talk too. It's hard and I feel like this is my last resort. My parents say they "love" me but constantly ignore my issues and talk down about my feelings. Just this past week I tried to go see Janet mock speak and possibly get some words of encouragement from her but they didn't let me go. They say it as another unnessecary distraction from me applying to "school."  I can't keep living like this. 

[LordKAT]

If you are 23, how are your parents not allowing you to go see Janet Mock?

School is expensive and your parents have a right to not pay for it if they don't want to. The decision then becomes, what are you going to do about it. Hide until done with school, or work your way through.

[PrincessPatience]

If you are 23, how are your parents not allowing you to go see Janet Mock?

School is expensive and your parents have a right to not pay for it if they don't want to. The decision then becomes, what are you going to do about it. Hide until done with school, or work your way through.

My car is in my dads name and I can't afford to buy my own car.  He said he would take the car from me if I went. I still live with them. However it's hard to hide until school is done. I tried to that in 2011 and it didn't work. Idk what else to do. It's getting to the point where my depression from my dysphoria is interfering with my work performance at work. 

[Dankster]

Hugs PrincessPatience.Iktf. I'm out to my parents as well and also on hrt, but because of the way they are, I also can't socially transition at home. Like you, my parents still love me and all, but don't see me as being trans, though I've been diagnosed by three different psychologist in front of them. It sucks. What I plan on doing is continuing boymode for a few more months and just work to save a few grand. Then, once I have the money, talk with my parents and tell them I planning on moving out unless they accept me and allow me to socially transition at home. I really don't think faking a suicide would help, but I don't know your parents. Think about it and try to talk to them a few more times. If not, you gotta do what you gotta do. Hope it works out. 

[PrincessPatience]

Hugs PrincessPatience.Iktf. I'm out to my parents as well and also on hrt, but because of the way they are, I also can't socially transition at home. Like you, my parents still love me and all, but don't see me as being trans, though I've been diagnosed by three different psychologist in front of them. It sucks. What I plan on doing is continuing boymode for a few more months and just work to save a few grand. Then, once I have the money, talk with my parents and tell them I planning on moving out unless they accept me and allow me to socially transition at home. I really don't think faking a suicide would help, but I don't know your parents. Think about it and try to talk to them a few more times. If not, you gotta do what you gotta do. Hope it works out. 

thank you. It's just frustrating and depressing.. I'm glad I'm not the only that feel like this and in a similar dilemma. I've tried  and thought about doing what you're doing but it would only gets worse for me. I just feel like it's the only thing to shake their conscious. Like would you rather have an alive daughter or a dead child?  I hope everything works out for you.

[Dankster]

thank you. It's just frustrating and depressing.. I'm glad I'm not the only that feel like this and in a similar dilemma. I've tried  and thought about doing what you're doing but it would only gets worse for me. I just feel like it's the only thing to shake their conscious. Like would you rather have an alive daughter or a dead child?  I hope everything works out for you.

I totally get where you're coming from. Just think it over dude. It's hard to see it from the parents perspective. Like, imagine if you had a little kid that you wanted nothing but the best for. Imagine if that little kid made a life decision that you knew that they would risk getting harassed for the rest of their like and whatnot. Then that kid goes and fakes a suicide. Just think about it a little more. You risk losing your parents trust if they ever find out. But still, I don't really know your parents and I know a couple trans girls in our same age group with similar circumstances with totally up parents. Just be safe and rational.


< F word removed. Smite given. There will be no foul language on this site>

[Cindy]

Hi ladies,

I know how difficult this is - oh I know.

I was talking to a woman in my grocery store this morning and something came back to me.

I left the UK 40 years ago this week. I was 22. My parents loved me, and I loved them, but they could not accept me as their daughter. I know it is a long time ago and I have to admit that being transgender in those days was - shocking. Being Gay sent you to prison. Being trans was - just forget it.

I had nothing. I had one suitcase with a pair of jeans a few shirts and 6 LPs. I sold the LPs to eat.


But for me I had no choice. I had to be me. And if moving 25,000km away from my family meant I could be me so I did it.

I worked, cleaned toilets, cooked burgers, eventually got a job as a scientist and continued.

It was hard and very depressing but I had an aim. To be me.

There was nothing I could do about that. I had no one to blame, I had no one to ask pity for. I had no one to do anything. Except one very frightened transgender woman. Me.

I could not prevent Cindy living, yes my male persona Peter protected me, but when it was time he went away.

I missed my family, I had no friends, but I had me. Yes I did walk the path of finishing it all. But why?

Why should I finish my life because I'm a woman? Why should I not stand up and scream.

I am transgender. I did not choose this life but it is my life and I am a human being. I walk my path and if the rest of the world doesn't like it it isn't my problem!

So I will not give the satisfaction to my haters of terminating my life because you don't agree with how I was born. I will be me, a happy contented woman.

And yes, now I am.

I saw my parents once more before they died. I gave them the same choice. Accept me or not; their call.

I never went to their funerals. But I still love them.

No one owes us anything.

We walk our own path in life and sometimes it is hard.

Maybe it is time to walk it?

[AnonyMs]

I'm  thinking I should fake a suicide attempt to get my parents to understand how severe transitioning is to me and help me out?

I don't think that's a very good idea, or at least its very risky. You don't know where it could lead, and you might end up getting sent to some kind of mental institution for your own protection, and you'd have all that on permanent record somewhere. That could have long term negative consequences.

I noticed doctors, therapists and psych's all ask if I have suicidal thoughts when I start talking to them and I've very careful to say no (which is true fortunately).

Can you do any more with getting them to talk to a therapist to help them come to terms with this?

[Wednesday]

Same opinion here, fake suicide even if carried "successfully" doesn't look like a smart idea at all. They can easily blame it on some kind of mental disorder not related to gender dysphoria. Since you've been diagnosed by three different therapists in front of them... looks like they're not listening to science. If they think that at 23 you had not enough time to live as a male and this is just a "phase" it looks they are not listening to common sense either. Anyway I think you're not in a very bad place, but I can feel how frustrating is your situation.

I see at least three more reasonable paths here:

1 - Hold on working for 2 more years and get a fresh start. Think about it this way: 2 years is absolutely NOTHING in transition time scales. Lots of girls need way more time than 4 years to achieve all the transition goals. Key here would be seeing a therapist to help you survive this time. After this, even if they refuse to pay for your education, you'll be starting like your true self, and things may be easier for you. I dunno how education works in USA but I'm sure there may be options for you.

2- Hold on and go to college. Also key is seeing a therapist to help you go through this. It may take longer, but you're gonna finish college with half the transition costs saved, a degree, and no further masculinisation because you are in HRT right now. Remind, its not so many time, and the reward would be amazing.

3 - Try a subtle approach while going to college. Since you have money saved, you may be able to take little steps while you attend college. For example, minor FFS, going out in a more androginous style, buying clothes... Taking little steps, somewhat "forcing" your parents to cope. Not so aggressive to trigger a serious response, but enough to start building changes and making your parents used to them.

[Dena]

I almost did the real thing about 1974 but at the last minute, didn't. Instead I decided to try whatever I could to transition. My parents didn't hold me back but the times I lived in did so it took 8 years to complete my transition. I was willing to do whatever it took and that included going through three therapist and moving 400 miles from home to find treatment.

In a way I consider myself lucky because I suspect many people were never able to find the treatment that I found. Some of them are showing up on this board today near my age with stories of discover in their early teens. If you can't transition with your parents help, you will have to make long range plans to transition without them. I was able to finish school and get my first full time job before I had to make the decision at age 23. Often we don't get what we want without a great deal of hard work. 

And by the way, my mother only learned about my plan to commit suicide a few months ago.

[Asheylov]

HI  PrincessPatience

I'm exactly in the same boat, still live at home. parents not supportive. no work yet, and want to transition. but only if i can move out. For me i in therapy right now, it has helped but hard to remove the depression and so on.

but i just got one of my parents cars now so i can do what i want to a point, but my mum is a control freak. asking all the time" where, when, how , what happened " ... so on

but I'm slowly moving ahead.

so don't give up its hard but you will get there.

love

Ashley

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry, but even a "fake suicide" is the single biggest selfish act anyone can make. That's just cruel. Nobody deserves that!

23 is still very young. I paid my way through college. It's expensive, but it is doable... If it's something that you truly want, you can make it happen.

Nothing about being Transgender is easy. However, it's our inner strength that will prevail! I know that you will make it.. just keep a positive attitude and keep your goals at the forefront of your thoughts.

I wish you the best! Things get better.

[nocgirl]

You are a grown adult. Your parents do not support your transistion so what are you waiting for? You do not have to go to school to be successful in life nor are your parents expected or required to pay for it. Time to put on your big girl panties and stop waiting on your parents. You should look into moving out if there is such a negative environment.

[Aurorasky]

Hey, I was on this site, long ago, as Auroramarianna, but deleted my account. However, when I saw your post I had to register and comment to help you. Because I identify sososo much with your story.

First, a suicide attempt is not a smart idea at all. I also went through depression, and my parents, being as unsupportive as they are, actually took my gender dysphoria less serious. Suicide attempt will just give them a excuse to make you look crazy, delusional and out of control. It sucks because if they were supportive, they would try to understand and accept it and not condemn you for being in pain. Really, I agree with almost everyone here, don't do it, you'll do more harm than good, could backfire totally.

Your parents really sound like mine. Completely out of touch with reality, and not aware they have a daughter and not a son. If you are like me, then you were always femme and if you told them, then there's no reason for them to keep being this way. And although maybe you wish your parents would be different, you may have to let go of that expectation, just like they have to let of the expectation that you will be their "son", because you never were and never will be.

Time to start changing. Start working. Save, save, save, save every penny you can for your transition. And if you can move out, preferably go living with someone you trust, or someone who is trans-friendly. A roommate is a great way to have less expenses and divide the room's rent. Do not expect your parents to change. They might in future of they want to be a part of your life and see you are doing well without them...or they might become resentful and angry that you are being sucessful at something they never wished for you. If the latter is the case, then too bad for them, it's their loss and shows they are hateful people.

I truly wish I could say help you more and guarantee that oh yes! your parents willl be soooo accepting. But giving that advice wouldn't be real. Truth is if they have been this unaccepting till now, you can't count on them for transition, they might change after they see how happy you are or they might not. Whichever the case, their attitude is not your fault. I'm actually in the same situation. I started working, paid for my HRT, started passing into 1 month and half of HRT (I was feminine looking before and have a high voice naturally), and my parents still treat me by my old name and pronouns haven't changed. They also had threatened to put me out in the street with no money if I didn't go to college, which I didn't want to because I haven't changed my name. And I haven't been going because it was too dreadful...I just work, work, work and had to change jobs. They still do not know. I do not recommend hiding things from them, but I did for my survival. I am getting ready for every outcome and so should you.

If they refuse to pay for your education as a girl, then they were not worried about you in the first place. My parents also didn't want me to go as girl. You now have the ability to support yourself. So, change your name, find a job, and start attending classes. I know it seems like many things but you can do it. Believe in yourself, even when others don't. Hell, I am glad to have started this journey, even without my parents' support, I have come so far.

best wishes and good luck

[Ritana]

You are 23, how come your parents are controlling you like a 14 year old?  At your age, you are an adult of course who is able to make decisions about your life. I find the idea of seeking permission from parent to go and see Janet Mock a little extreme, but that's me.

In my case, my dysphoria was so severe that I grabbed the bull by its horns and went full time. I lost my parents and  some friends but I don't regret it as it's my body and I didn't touch anyone else's.

Be strong and do what's best for you hun. It is your wellbeing.

hugs,

Rita

[calicarly]

The title of the post says it all. PLEA TO YOUR PARENTS??? Faking suicide???

Get a job, move out, and get on with your life and transition. You are not 13. It is you who wasted 3 years. Your parents don't have to bottle feed you what you want to hear or even help you transition, legally, they're not even liable for your education or feeding you since you turned 18 which was 5 years ago.... This is stuff you have to achieve yourself.

Get a move on honey!

Good luck

[Jayne]

I think you need to stop looking at this as one huge problem & break it down into bitesize tasks.

You need independence so use some of your saved money for a car of your own to break that hold your father has.
Once you are independently mobile you can travel for employment,  once employed you can soon replace the money for the car. You may have to spend your time doing menial jobs but there's no shame in being a cleaner, I use that example because I've earned extra cash cleaning for much of the last 30 years.

You're transition is obviously going to take longer than you hoped but many of us have fallen into this trap & clawed our way out. I planned for my transition to take 1 -2 years, I was made redundant & homeless within a year & I'm now in a cosy flat 2 years into transition 5 years after coming out.
My transition is realistically going to take another few years until I'm ready to say I'm done but no matter how long the journey I know I'll reach the end, so will you.

On the subject of parents, it can take years for parent to fully accept transition, sometimes acceptance only comes once the transition ends & they've seen their child become a happy & healthy adult as their true gender.
There comes a time when parents are no longer under obligation to help their child financially but money (or lack of) does not equal love.

Set goals one at a time with the end goal of achieving your transition no matter how long it takes.
Please don't risk your life with a suicide attempt whether real or faked. When I reached the point of ending things I said to myself "if I'm ready to end my life what have I got to lose?". In the long run I've gained so much more than I lost.

We're here to support you on your journey no matter how long it is.

[warmbody28]

thats a hard one. it really depends on your major. once you are finished with your transition you can stay near the school with roommates and do maybe community college first so you have time to work (waitress seems to be a ok college job). then once your 24 you dont have to list your parents income on your fafsa so you should get the pail grant. oh make sure you major in something you can make a living in and if you jump right into a state university try not to go to one that ask you to do alot of extra curricular stuff. for others this approach has actually worked out well. sorry your parents are being this way. hopefully after your transition they will come around