Stressing while waiting for HRT appointment, did you? Im a mess...

[abd789]

So my upcoming appointment is still a month away, I was told that is when scripts will be given.

Im bouncing around here, Im up, Im down, Im girly, Im manly... Im for it and against it, Im scared of it yet Im craving it. At the moment Im in this super manly loop, I cant seem to find anything cute or girly about me, my facial hair which I swore was lightening up is loud and proud and impossible to shave away or even cover at the moment. Its like Im getting some sort of IV T injection or something and its pissing me off. Yes, I am in my PMS phase

Im assuming this is normal, but I was less hesitant prior to knowing it was coming

I read the pros, the cons, the risks and the risks seem very scary and overwhelming to me, but I dont want the fear to stop me. Im already questioning if I should move forward or just stop everything. I havent felt that way in months and it makes me mad for one.

Can anyone share their exp with the this and maybe help me get through it?

thanks

[Harley Quinn]

1. Have someone to talk with, partner/friend, when you go into get your prescriptions.

2. Breathe! Remember that everything is pretty much reversible up to 6 months... if you don't like it, then tell your endo and stop... no harm no foul. It'll take at least 3 months before anything physical is noticeable, and still not going to be too much at 6 months. You have a lot of time!

3. Risks are really minimal when you are working with a doctor. The worst thing you can really do is get stressed out and have your blood pressure shoot through the roof.

[Eva Marie]

Hi Rita-

We've chatted about this before.

I think it would help if you could get out of your own head for awhile - is there a trans support group nearby? If so, go visit and chat with people that are on the same journey as you. They will tell you that they had the same worries going in.

Harley Quinn is exactly right - you don't sprout DD breasts over night. The first effect of HRT is mental. There is little risk in "try before you buy" on HRT. And, if HRT is right for you you'll know it pretty much immediately.

[archlord]

1. Have someone to talk with, partner/friend, when you go into get your prescriptions.

2. Breathe! Remember that everything is pretty much reversible up to 6 months... if you don't like it, then tell your endo and stop... no harm no foul. It'll take at least 3 months before anything physical is noticeable, and still not going to be too much at 6 months. You have a lot of time!

3. Risks are really minimal when you are working with a doctor. The worst thing you can really do is get stressed out and have your blood pressure shoot through the roof.

I agree with almost everything said here however the 3 month before anything visible and 6 month irreversible changes happens is not accurate.  Ive been 4 month and 3 week on HRT and i had irreversible changes after 3 week( that would require surgery(mastectomy) to return to *starting point*). I had breast buds almost size of a golf ball after only a month.    I was  a full A cup after 3 month with areolas that are bigger then average womans ( 2 inch diameter) . Even if i wanted to abort transition at this point, i will never be able to go on a beach without t-shirt or on a swimming pool without having weird looks.


Physical changes that started to be visible after 1 month:
-my face smoothed, pores are very thin
-butt/hips took close to 3 inch in size
-breast size, nipples reacting like womans with temperature ( getting errect and visible through a hoodie)
-muscle mass lowered like crazy.. my mother said that i now have girly arms and hands
-waist trimmed  giving me those hourglass proportion with butt/hip growth and breast augmentation i had . 
I am 39-28-39

-No more morning and random erections.  I still have my libido but differently, i can get hard when i want it and the orgasm is just... 5x better.  Now at 4 month, i am producing only some drop of clear liquid and sometimes only air. I am pretty sure that i am infertile now and this could be irreversible.

- Not talking about mental changes, emotionally instability and depression that will occur when switching from T to E


Just saying, transition is something you must be sure of before starting hormones.. You shouldnt really have any hesitation other then being afraid of the changes that will occur(Because they will!). I am talking about self-experience right here, i started hormones without being 100% sure about it...  After 1 month when i started to see physical changes occuring i freaked out, i wanted to give up on transition and i almost commited suicide. I ended 2 day at hospital.  I wouldnt want something similar to happen to you so make sure you are ready.

Congratz on your appointment next month, everything will be okay 

[abd789]

Thanks to all of you

I really think I am going to be one that HRT does well on... I noticed great and positive changes doing the soy, though most said nothing could change... so Im betting my body just takes to the hormones like crazy.... which concerns me and thrills me

If I have changes like you mention Elodie, Id be thrilled... I know everyone is different
I guess for me if the beginning is more mental... that will be superb as well... that should get my head alot clearer before big changes (mainly bigger boobs) happen. Im all for any other changes at this point. I guess its the boobs, but I already have boobs...so why thats a sticker for me I have  no idea... my boobs are big for a guy and decent for a woman...so everyone already sees those...

so, I think the risks are what I fear most.... are they even that much of a concern? I read through some of the wiki article from here and saw the "C" word numerous times... I just kinda skip over it because it freaks me out... and the bloodclots bug me... but Im pretty healthy and I excercise and eat decent, I also drink alot of fluids and dont smoke regularly. I quit smoking 2 years or so ago, but when I drink, I will have several over the course of a evening.

Im having a bad week in the head at the moment and the waiting is making me bounce around... Im certain I will go and I will get them... I just guess I want to hear that what Im going thru is normal and Ill try and just relax

I also think its another big doorway that Im about to open... and maybe Im afraid to step thru. Its not that I question who I am... I just havent figured out how to put "me" fully into the world I live in yet... and thats a bit disconcerting still

Eva, I dont have any support group in my area... I cant even find a gender therapist. I thought I would get one at the pride clinic, but no... the paperwork even said "Do you wish to see a therapist while here today" I said Yes... they didnt say a word about it....?  I do have a general therapist, but she is absolutely clueless about trans isssues

again thank you all

[KyleeKrow]

I know before I started I was all sorts of nervous, too. But no more than 15 minutes after taking that first dose of estrogen all that went away and I knew I didn't want to go back. You can always change your mind if it doesn't feel right though.

[Adchop]

Thanks to all of you

I really think I am going to be one that HRT does well on... I noticed great and positive changes doing the soy, though most said nothing could change... so Im betting my body just takes to the hormones like crazy.... which concerns me and thrills me

If I have changes like you mention Elodie, Id be thrilled... I know everyone is different
I guess for me if the beginning is more mental... that will be superb as well... that should get my head alot clearer before big changes (mainly bigger boobs) happen. Im all for any other changes at this point. I guess its the boobs, but I already have boobs...so why thats a sticker for me I have  no idea... my boobs are big for a guy and decent for a woman...so everyone already sees those...

so, I think the risks are what I fear most.... are they even that much of a concern? I read through some of the wiki article from here and saw the "C" word numerous times... I just kinda skip over it because it freaks me out... and the bloodclots bug me... but Im pretty healthy and I excercise and eat decent, I also drink alot of fluids and dont smoke regularly. I quit smoking 2 years or so ago, but when I drink, I will have several over the course of a evening.

Im having a bad week in the head at the moment and the waiting is making me bounce around... Im certain I will go and I will get them... I just guess I want to hear that what Im going thru is normal and Ill try and just relax

I also think its another big doorway that Im about to open... and maybe Im afraid to step thru. Its not that I question who I am... I just havent figured out how to put "me" fully into the world I live in yet... and thats a bit disconcerting still

Eva, I dont have any support group in my area... I cant even find a gender therapist. I thought I would get one at the pride clinic, but no... the paperwork even said "Do you wish to see a therapist while here today" I said Yes... they didnt say a word about it....?  I do have a general therapist, but she is absolutely clueless about trans isssues

again thank you all

Hey, I know me and you are experiencing a lot of the same trepidations in the lead up to hrt. The thing I'm finding out is that you have to be careful about now allowing your thoughts to become so focused on hrt that it becomes the center of your universe. You need to find something else to occupy your time and thoughts, until it's time to be begin hrt. Otherwise, you will find that you are driving yourself crazy with all the hypotheticals involved.

[BeverlyAnn]

Rita, my endocrinologist appointment is one week from tomorrow and I'm bouncing off the walls one minute, worried another minute, terrified another, depressed another and start all over again the next minute.  Plus throw in orchi is scheduled two weeks from today so double every emotion and I think Dee is ready to tranquilize me.  So I certainly understand how you feel.

[Jacqueline]

Rita,

I think I am just going to be echoing what a lot of people have already said. I am just about a month on HRT. I can speak to a few things.

I think each major step along the way causes us these nervous on again off again feelings. I had a letter submitted then got put off for 4-5 months. I thought I would explode when that happened. However I just worked on patience. I think it is important in these journeys. As the day go closer, I got more nervous as well. Side effects, what if I didn't feel any different, what if everyone realized and I had to come out to all at the same time, should I really be doing this so late and so manly... so many thoughts and feelings.

My doctor was great. She wanted questions. She was very clear about the potential side effects and what to look for. Not cold and clinical. She was not just looking for blood samples to check numbers. She was very reassuring and helpful. So ask away.

I am 51. I did not get the huge physical changes at one month that some experience. However, a lowering of anxiety and calmness. Softening of skin. Few other physical shifts. No huge breast growth but some minor shifts of the  nipples.

It's normal to feel nervous. Hang in there.

With warmth,

Joanna

[abd789]

Thank you all so much for the kind words...

This journey has been frought with nervous moments... uncertainties .... Ive learned that is what happens, its just nice to say it out loud and get some advice from those who are there or have gotten thru it.

Really, it means so much to me....

[Harley Quinn]

Support in the waiting room is a huge help. And if you get pills, it's a day by day decision. Shots may be funky for the first 4 or 5 days while you normalize. But, not that big of a deal in the morning. You're going to have a decent grace period to decide if it's right for you... you'll know in a couple days if it's right or not. I wish you the best, and stay calm if at all possible. It's not a cliff... it's a hill.

[WholeNewDrew]

I'm in the same boat, Rita. Today in particular as I was trying on clothes I started feeling a shift into guy-mode. I've identified as trans for about six years now, and my first appointment is on July 12th. I've been to therapy years ago and got a recommendation letter that I couldn't act on for certain reasons. Throughout the day I had short moments of clarity when I'm like "Oh yeah, I hate being a guy" which would kick off more anxiety and dysphoria. As you are, I'm going to start HRT regardless of where I'm at mentally because HRT has been my light at the end of the tunnel for years and I'm all too aware that any aversion I feel is cold feet and my own self-imposed anxiety. I think you'll be fine Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk about it!

[IdontEven]

I meant to respond to this thread last night, but every time I wrote something I deleted it for various reasons and finally gave up. But I'll just try to quickly reiterate some things already said in this thread.

A. Support in the waiting room is a huge help. I was scared to death of the appointment and a lady I met on these very forums came to sit with me (on her lunch hour!), and that was the first time we had met in person. Her being there made it feel...less dire?

B. If you're prone to certain types of mental illness and/or you tend to be sensitive to the effects of drugs and stuff, then you'll need to be careful ~1 month in. The thing archlord was saying is no joke, I really wish someone had told me (or if they did that I had listened) regarding a large emotional swing. Hers was triggered from a different thing than mine (mine was stuff in my life going wrong at the same time), but there is, or can be, a pretty huge emotional shift at about 1 month after beginning or increasing dose. I'm pretty sure you've posted in some of my darker threads from those times 

I didn't really pay much attention to my emotional state. I figured there would be a little change, especially over a long time period, but that the whole "women are emotional creatures" thing was mostly a stereotype. That's what I thought, right up to the point I was sitting in my therapist's office choking back tears telling her I felt like I couldn't do this and wanted to die. And then a month after THAT the euphoria kicked in pretty hard. Rinse/repeat for dosage increase.

Don't worry though, you'll be fine, I promise! Just get someone close to keep an eye on you, and try to keep an objective measure of your mental state if you think you may be prone to that type of thing.

As far as your "I'm for it/I'm against it" thing, I went through that too. Especially in the mornings, prior to HRT. I just felt SO masculine that it really threw me for a loop, and then by that evening I was like "Nope! I'm trans." That's all gone away. Now there's no doubt that transition is the way to happiness for me, though there are some other fears and doubts. Afraid those will be there until transition is over, but things feel more "right" every day.

[AnonyMs]

I always resist doing anything as long as possible, so by the time I finally go see a doctor for the next step I'm pretty desperate. The thing that keeps me going is knowing how bad its going to be if I don't.

[V M]

Congrats on getting your appointment Rita    I hope it all goes well

I was pretty nervous when I first started HRT and then my doctor moved out of state 

There aren't many Dr.s who are willing to work with transgender people in my area so I was totally stressed about having to find a new Dr.

Luckily I was refereed to a great endo. who has been very helpful and supportive    Whew!!! What a relief

Just be honest and matter of fact about your intentions and you should be fine

Hugs 

[abd789]

Thanks so much all of you... Im absorbing everyones input and taking a big deep breath.

The last couple days have been so manly.... its ridiculous... is my body trying to make some last ditch effort to stay before I start beating it down with hormones? I mean... wow...