Severe depression and anxiety

[Pisces228]

I'm not ok.  There.  I said it.  The people at work, my dr, my therapist, keep asking if I'm ok and I keep responding with a yes, but I am not ok.

I feel like this should be a joyous time in my life.  After being aware of gender dysphoria since I was 6 years and after 5 years of planning to transition I am finally doing it.  I should be excited.  Happy.  But in reality, I'm overwhelmed.  I cant get out of bed on my days off from work.  I moved to a new city in january and I still have no friends.  I've been here almost a year and I have absolutely zero friends.  I have absolutely no support system family or friend wise.  I can't go anywhere other than work because of my severe social anxiety.  I can't even go to the damn grocery store unless it's 3 am and no one is there.  I just cant.

I feel like a failure.  I'm scared to tell anyone that I feel bad.  I don't want them to take me off hrt.  I feel like me on hrt.  I need to transition or I'll die.  But I am starting to have more thoughts of what's the point of transitioning if I can't even get out of bed?  What's the point of spending hundreds of dollars on electrolysis if I never go out where people can see me?  What's the point of feeling like I have to transition but I can't exist in society like a normal person?  What the point of it all if I just feel like a waste of space?  I am starting to feel like I am just wasting my time.

I'm sorry, this isnt a pitty seeking post.  I just need to vent.  I have such a painful emotional knife stuck in my chest and I don't know what to do.

[Lily Rose]

my dr, my therapist, keep asking if I'm ok and I keep responding with a yes, but I am not ok.

  is it a good idea to lie to these two people? i can most definitely relate to all these feelings you list although not at this time doing hrt. i do wish i could get into therapy however, but do not have two nickels to rub together. there is one small hurdle before therapy and i am dealing with it. you are definitely not alone.

[Sophia Sage]

I dunno, Pisces, I think what you're feeling is normal.  It was for me.  You're in transition, not done with it yet. Sounds like dysphoria. 

My transitional years, I pretty much cocooned myself.  I wasn't going to go out until my electrolysis was done, until my facial work was done, until my hormones had done enough work.  And yeah, it takes so long, and the dysphoria only grows, so it's pretty damn hard.

I did find it helped to go to a local support group, and hang out at home with other people who were transitioning.  People who understood.  And talking about the difficulty of feeling dysphoric with my therapist, and whether higher doses in my regimen might help with that. 

That's the thing -- until we're done, until we're gendered correctly by ourselves and others on a consistent basis, there's going to be dysphoria.  Just being on HRT and being out at work isn't going to make that go away, not when we know there's more to be done.

[josie76]

I can only offer a virtual hug and a couple of pieces of advice. 

1- do tell your therapist you have sunk into depression. Worry first about getting yourself well. Don't focus on fears of being taken off HRT. If your therapist is good they will help you walk through your emotional state.

2- As hard as it may be find just one friend to hang out with. We humans are social creatures. Especially us female minded ones. We need socialization to feel good. If you can't find a friend to hang out with from work then try the local LGBT groups. It's really not good to be in a new environment and be so isolated. That will make you depressed all by itself.

3- Schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. They are medical doctors who will help you with medications. Office visits are normally short, less than 15 minutes. I have been on anxiety medication for many years now. That alone greatly improved my mental state.

I know it seems hard now but the fact that you recognize your depression is the first step to kicking it's but. Stay strong!

[Pisces228]

Thank you for your responses.   And thank you for listening to me.  I'll talk to my therapist on monday. 

I dunno, Pisces, I think what you're feeling is normal.  It was for me.  You're in transition, not done with it yet. Sounds like dysphoria. 

It's frustrating.  I had an initial decrease in dysphoria when starting hrt.  Perhaps it was a placebo effect of actually doing something but it has now worn off.

[Rachel]

dysphoria is like an onion. you peel off one layer and another layer is underneath.

I agree with Josie, group is an awesome place to meet people. I have been going to one group for a long time and I will be adding another group which is more a social group after my ex-wife moves out.

I am on a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor for depression. I went on that after my last suicide attempt and just before coming out and doing RLE.

People can sense if someone is unhappy and depressed. You boss and therapist know how you feel. You were not ready to discuss it with your therapist. So when you are ready discuss it with her.

When you are happy with being you others will see it and gravitate toward you.

Volunteer at a trans related event (s). When you go to group there is a lot of events you find out about. They always need help and there are some pretty awesome people you will get to meet and each one is a potential friend. 

[Lily Rose]

dysphoria is like an onion. you peel off one layer and another layer is underneath.

so true,

  for me i hate mirrors and the thing i most dislike is what must be shaved everyday. i get tunnel vision and focus on the razor LOL.