Would I actually feel better in a female role?

[redhot1]

Hi there!

I don't have any obvious gender dysphoria that I know about, but something else that is going on. Since I began puberty, I was getting a whole lot of negativity in my head to where I ask now, I feel like a mess. I have motor skill and balance issues in my brain that has a fundamental effect on everyday activities. I had some episodes of depression and I have no self-confidence. I either have to accept that all the dreams I want to achieve are unrealistic because of my physical coordination issues, or I don't know what the alternative is.

I don't feel confident socializing with other people. I also can't like dating any girl who I find isn't super stunning. Yeah, I'm a shallow cis-guy sometimes I guess. Not really, but I think that getting a decent good looking woman for me is unrealistic.

So, can transitioning to a female role build my self-confidence more in this situation, or will I be even worse off considering I don't end up being what I view as a good looking, confident woman?

[Ms Grace]

Ultimately there's only one way to know and that is to try it. You really should discuss these issues with a therapist.

[redhot1]

I do have a regular therapist I have sessions for, but I only get an appointment every so often. I lost motivation to go outside the home by myself and I still live at home with parents.

[Ms Grace]

These are all issues you need to deal with, find coping strategies for and the answers you are looking for. As a person who was once afraid of going outside I can only tell you that you need to take control of your fear and confront it otherwise it will rule your life.

[redhot1]

I just wondered if other people could share their thoughts.

[Dena]

These are questions we can't answer for you. IF you are willing to face your fears and put in the work, your transition can result in a much better life. It's hard work transitioning but you will get out of it what you put into it.

Are you willing to get out of the house and start mixing with other people now? How about starting part time or full time cross living now and building your personal skills as a woman? The decision is yours as it won't happen if you don't make it happen.

[Tessa James]

I just wondered if other people could share their thoughts.

And we think great thoughts some days   I wonder.   If you only see "stunning" women as date material will you apply that same tough standard to your own transition and appearance?  Maybe so?  That could be difficult if you want to achieve a certain look but as Grace notes we cannot know until we try.  There are so many variable that we can only guess.

Building self confidence is challenging if you feel "like a mess" but starting with your abilities that are more than skin deep might help.  Even if you do not transition you still have a world of opportunity ahead and so many important choices to make.  I hope you will also chose to see deeper within yourself.  Perhaps making good friends is more important than "getting" someone?  We can build self confidence by achieving small successes and simply by recognizing we all have basic value, worth and dignity that no one can take away or judge.

I feel more confident in my current state in part because I feel better congruence with my self image and gender identity.  I have nothing to hide and no "man act" to put on.  We are fortunate to have opportunities every day to meet someone new or to see someone we know in a new light.  You may surprise yourself with how remarkably attractive some people are regardless of their appearance.  Try hanging out with someone outside your usual group.  Keep wonder alive in your life and you will more likely be rewarded with fun discoveries.  Laugh out loud, sing your own song and see who is interested in what makes you smile.

[Ashey]

I can say for myself that my confidence has vastly improved since transitioning and I'm a lot more outgoing than I used to be. But everyone is different, and you really can't go by what anyone else says. This is all about what you think and feel.

[Asche]

It sounds like you, like many of us, have a lot of issues beyond whatever gender dysphoria or trans-ness you might have.  These issues won't go away just because you transition.  Therapy can help you with both the non-trans and the trans issues -- if you have a therapist that's a good fit for you.

You mentioned that you only see your therapist occasionally.  Given the issues that you describe, that's not a good sign.  If the therapist is right for you, you should be seeing them pretty regularly (at least 1x per week.)  And if the therapist is not right for you, you need to find a new one.  (Yeah, changing therapists until you find one that's right for you sucks.  BTDT.)

You say you're living with your parents.  I'm hoping they would be supportive to your efforts to deal with at least the non-gender-related problems, which means they would encourage and help you get regular therapy with a good (for you) therapist.  If so, I suggest reaching out to them.

[redhot1]

But what if they aren't supportive? I'm not sure yet if I even want to transition and when. I know my parents, at least my mom would say that they will never disown me for my gender or sexuality. Should I still trust them? And how does it all play out  before therapy but not after? I always thought the point of therapy was to discover these feelings in the first place.

[Asche]

But what if they aren't supportive? I'm not sure yet if I even want to transition and when. I know my parents, at least my mom would say that they will never disown me for my gender or sexuality. Should I still trust them? And how does it all play out  before therapy but not after? I always thought the point of therapy was to discover these feelings in the first place.

I wouldn't bring up transition or trans issues with your parents yet.  Based on what you've written, it's way too early to talk about transition, except maybe to mention it to your therapist.

Your initial post talks about a lot of things that would concern any parent, and none of them are obviously gender related.  Most of them are probably pretty obvious to them, at least if they're looking.  If you need to talk to them about why you need therapy, talk about how your life is being affected by those issues, like by depression, social anxiety, unrealistic expectations, etc.

What you need support for is going to a therapist for those issues and, if the one you're seeing now isn't helping, finding another one who is better.  "Support" meaning paying for the therapist (if necessary, I don't know what country you live in), helping you get to appointments, etc.

Once you start seeing a good therapist regularly, you can bring up your thoughts about transition (in therapy, not with your parents), if you like, but you should also talk about the other things.  You should also be prepared to have some of those issues checked out by a medical doctor -- you mention motor skill and balance issues and coordination.

It may be that, after you and your therapist figure out what is going on with you, you all decide transition would help.  Or you might decide that you need to deal with other stuff first.  Or that transition wouldn't help.  At this point, I don't think anyone can say.

Disclaimer: this is all based only on what you've said in this thread.

[donnanewgurl]

I'm cleaning the house right now dressed as a woman and I feel so good, tomorrow I'm going to my therapist dressed as a woman, I do feel so much better in a female role. It is what I was meant to be!!