Out Nearly Complete, Cold Feet, Retreat....Defeat or Mere Downbeat?

[abd789]

I was so close... I was so happy... I told so many people
I felt so great...  I was so comfortable... I was so there

Then it all crashed, based on one persons minor hate which opened me up to think and wonder whats next? Whos waiting to off me? Whos thinking the things he said and worse? I have so many irrational thoughts right now. The outside looks dark and eary... I went for a walk today to try and beat this... left me with more worries.

I live in a small midwestern town full of idiots and Im considering putting myself out there as a non passing woman?

What the hell am I thinking?

Ive tried to help so many people with my "get out there and challenge yourself" advice, only to end up here, like this, now.... what the hell? Just a week ago I was so happy and ready to start HRT and be myself

Please tell me this happens, that I will get back up and try again.... that it is a normal part of our lives in the beginning.... if its always like this... Ill probably pass.

My apologies to those who look up to  me for advice, today I just cant see it....Its not always roses

[cindianna_jones]

Everyone has sucky poo moments. Really. My dad used to tell me, "Don't let 'em get you down." It's probably the most profound and sound advice he ever gave me. I sure miss him.

And puh-leeze don't worry about the "advice" thing. Good advice is good advice. It matters not who it comes from. I think you already know what you want to do. I can read between the lines. So don't worry about it! Can you hear my fake New Yawk accent leach out?

Cindi

[abd789]

Thank you Cindi

[MeghanMe]

I thought your advice was good, Rita. Don't worry about that.

It sucks that we have to protect ourselves in public, but all women do. I hope you can find a middle ground between slamming on the breaks entirely and living without any thought to your own safety.

On the positive side, it sure seems like more people are supportive than not, these days.

[abd789]

Yes Meghan.... thank you

more people are supportive and this is the only encounter I have had so far. I just cant stop thinking, obsessing over it.
it makes me question everyone now and thats not a good way to view the world. I hope I can get over this

I will sure try

[Adchop]

I was so close... I was so happy... I told so many people
I felt so great...  I was so comfortable... I was so there

Then it all crashed, based on one persons minor hate which opened me up to think and wonder whats next? Whos waiting to off me? Whos thinking the things he said and worse? I have so many irrational thoughts right now. The outside looks dark and eary... I went for a walk today to try and beat this... left me with more worries.

I live in a small midwestern town full of idiots and Im considering putting myself out there as a non passing woman?

What the hell am I thinking?

Ive tried to help so many people with my "get out there and challenge yourself" advice, only to end up here, like this, now.... what the hell? Just a week ago I was so happy and ready to start HRT and be myself

Please tell me this happens, that I will get back up and try again.... that it is a normal part of our lives in the beginning.... if its always like this... Ill probably pass.

My apologies to those who look up to  me for advice, today I just cant see it....Its not always roses

If you asked 100 people to tell you how beautiful you look and 99 of them said you are beautiful, but 1 says your aren't. The 1 who says you aren't beautiful is more likely to stick with you. It's just human nature to focus on the negative things people say & how it affects your emotions. You just need to find a place where your happy with what you are doing, & not really alowing others opinions of your life to deter you from being who you want to be.

[abd789]

Adchop

Aint that the truth....?

I need to learn and learn quick that my opinion is what matters... no one elses... Im just having a hard time with that, its a lesson I never learned in my life and now fate is throwing it in my face.... again and again and saying LEARN THIS NOW!

[Lilian J]

I in no way pass and am toe in the water out but like foreign languages most people seem to appreciate you are trying. But all the time I am waiting for the shoe to drop. Either a loved one being negative or a stranger being abusive . I think i am ready to deal but with probably be  devastated.

[abd789]

Thanks Lili

I thought I was ready as well.... I was getting more and more confident by the day... minor slips... but growing. I think this douche bugged me so much because I know him. Ill say it was minor, and he didnt call me out directly... but it just opened my eyes to a world I didnt think reached my little corner of the planet

[Mikaela]

Hiya Rita

Not to scare you but, your fears are not completely unfounded. I was 7 months into hrt when I went full time. Maybe too soon, I don't know, I was falling apart at the time though. Dysphoria was eating me alive pretending to be male. I made the plunge and for the most part it wasn't that bad. There was laughing and name calling a few times. I went home and cried myself to sleep and went out again the next day thinking I had seen the worst. I have to say that most people truly do not care they have their own life and issues. Then my birthday came, two weeks away from one year on hrt. My sister, sister-in-law and a few friends took me out. We were having a wonderful time until my sister-in-law accidentally called me he where a group of inbred Neanderthals overheard her. It went very bad very quickly. Luckily there were decent men there too. Laying in the hospital bed I had times when I wondered if I could do it anymore. I even had my brother buy male clothes for me to go home in. I just couldn't put them on when it came down to it. I put my normal clothes on and never looked back. It definitely could have been avoided. I don't KNOW that I pass, but I guess that I do for the most part. No one calls me he or him or sir at least and they are very good at hiding their reaction if they notice anything. It wasn't always this way though. I am horrible at giving advice but...

Be safe. Words do hurt but can be endured, just don't put yourself at risk. Any place that serves large quantities of alcohol should probably be avoided, as should being alone in an isolated area. It's not that bad out there, most of our fears are only in our head. All of this is scary, just ask yourself,"If not now, when?" I found it too easy to NOT push my voice, mannerisms, walk or whatever when I was putting off full time. Living it changed everything. Maybe it was just my age, when I went full time I was 45, I had a clock constantly ticking in the back of my brain. It's stopped now, maybe this is Neverland. I just don't feel rushed anymore now that I am just another girl in the crowd. Go at your own pace sweetie, but don't be afraid to push a little. Just take care. The only thing I fear anymore, besides creepy movies, is complacency, or more accurately, feeling comfortable with less than my hearts desire.

Michelle

[Emjay]

My apologies to those who look up to  me for advice, today I just cant see it....Its not always roses

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, we all have doubts and fears.  You're correct:  It's not always roses, life rarely is.  On the flip side though, the good news is that life isn't always thorns either.  We are also here for each other, we should lift one another up when needed. 

I'm sorry for what happened, it's easy to let someones' words bring you down.  I know I have before and I'm sure it'll happen again sooner or later.  I'll go home, lick my wounds, and get back up and keep going because that's really the only choice I'm willing to make. 

As far as violence, I've personally not experienced anything like that but I also try to be very mindful to not put myself in that sort of setting in the first place. 

Big hugs lady, stand tall and be proud of who you are. 

[Ⓥ]

Neat repeat, but take a seat and I'll skeet skeet skeet my own sick beat:


























Naw, JK... I'm too white LoL~

I think you're cool Rita, even though I don't know you personally, it saddens me to read you got so crushed by this

This won't last y'know... with enough time on HRT, you'll get to a point when you'll say, "damn... I can't pass as a dude if I wanted to now!"  I absolutely promise you this will happen.

[abd789]

Thanks so much for the kind words, everyone. This afternoon is a bit better

[abd789]

Neat repeat, but take a seat and I'll skeet skeet skeet my own sick beat:


























Naw, JK... I'm too white LoL~

I think you're cool Rita, even though I don't know you personally, it saddens me to read you got so crushed by this

This won't last y'know... with enough time on HRT, you'll get to a point when you'll say, "damn... I can't pass as a dude if I wanted to now!"  I absolutely promise you this will happen.

lol, I think the cant pass for a dude is scaring me as well... it all scares me right now. Im 3 weeks from HRT and 8 months on soy (which has changed me some BTW)

Thanks again to everyone, hopefully I will get through this a stronger person.