Confused, what is support?

[Midnightstar]

I don't understand something about support sites
why is it when you're down or suicidal eventually nobody can put up with you anymore
they start to fade away. And it's not only the people but i guess i don't get how people can
"Help" yet while helping leave you in the dust and not know how to support someone in a bad mental state.
I don't know i feel frustrated, it's not even that anymore its becoming a void this concept that even my own community barely gives a crap. I start to feel them feelings knowing it isn't true and that people care but at the same time i'm drifting outside of that understanding while trying to grasp "Why and how" Then while trying to understand the world around me and why people do and say what they do here i am trying to understand and cope with being transgender yet not know why i'm one day confused and the next okay and ready to jump into unknown waters and fix life. Maybe it's because i'm surrounded by my family who is barely supportive enough and lacks understanding constantly reminds me of things i already know and am trying to get done. While having nobody in the outside world to speak with and never knowing another transgender person like me in person face to face. Never speaking with many people and having a lack of experience with people and outside life because of my sheltered life at home with my family, people and the world feels like another planet to me.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, MidnightStar. It sounds like you're in an especially difficult place.

To answer your question, a lot of people back away from people who are profoundly unhappy. They don't know how to react and they're afraid of making it worse.

I can only speak for myself. I care, and I hope this site helps you feel a little less alone. We can't fix you, we can't even help you, but we can listen and care.

Hang in there. You have inside you the strength you need to see things through.

[DAWN MID GIRL]

Midnightstar I understand how you feel, on my home site I have spent sleep less nights up with people that were very bad off and needed me but on the other hand I don't feel any body would do the same for me but I know its because they gust don't know how to deal with stuff like that, I understand the needing a real person like you to talk to about these things it's different than syber friends.

BY FOR NOW

[Dena]

In the time I have been moderator I have been involved in several suicide posts. We flag them as soon as we spot them and keep an eye on them. Some we have been able to directly help to but others our only contacts was posting. I have a couple of them I am still watching but they haven't returned to the site so I have no clue what the outcome is. I have posted in the threads but without feedback, it is only guess work what I can say that will help them.
The only people we can save are the ones who want to be saved. I feel for everyone I am involved with but I am only human and there is only so much we can do.

When you come to this site, you are anonymous. If I were to tell you everything I know about you, it would be an Email address which could be gmail, gmail or anyone of a number of other anonymous email servers. I also have an IP address which I am forbidden to trace without Administrator approval. If I were to trace it and the result was a dynamic IP, a mobile device or a coffee shop, I might know your location within 100 mile.

The privacy you demand of us limits the help we can provide you. Supposed when you signed up we required a snail mail address that we would verify before allowing you on the site. I suspect many would not join because they are stealth to everybody. Everybody on the staff wants everybody to have a happy transition and we do what we can. If you think you can do better, there are always staff positions available for those who can do the job.

Another problem is the extreme depression we feel. Sometimes people will say they are going to commit suicide when they really aren't. We take all of then seriously but there is a difference between the two. I was to the point of committing suicide and it is a bottomless pit that there seem to be no way out of. Much of the time the depression I felt wasn't anywhere that deep. We have members who have used it as a threat or to gain attention and in a few days they are over it. The tend to repeat the threat so we are never sure if it's real.

Consider that most of the support is peer support. People helping other people with their problems. We don't have the money or the trained people for a suicide prevention service. We talk with people who want to talk with us but if they need more than that, we have suicide prevention information posted in several places on the site. Most cities have far better services in this area than we can provide.

[cindianna_jones]

Midnightstar,

Most people don't know what to say. Even though we've felt similar feelings, we just don't know what to say. Especially when it comes to suicidal posts. Personally, I have no qualifications to reach out and "help." I have no formal studies from which to draw. I don't have a degree.

Many people on the site are going through similar problems as well and it may seem overwhelming to extend their own weak sense of self to lend a hand to someone else.

Another thing you should note is that this is a very busy site. It is impossible for everyone to read every post although some have tried.

But please note that some of us are here for the sole reason to help others. We don't need to be here. We've long past those near term milestones that so many are worried about. So get to know us. You'll find out who we are. Send any moderator a PM if you like. We do try very hard to help as many as we can. We'd like to help out long before your reach the end of your rope. Maybe we can tie on an extension.

Chin up, okay?
Cindi

[Midnightstar]

I don't know, this place failed me long ago the only reason why i'm on forums still is because i feel safe
and more accepted. I ended up with meds and in a mental hospital at one point not saying it's anyone's fault it was more my state of mind. But the thought and the people slowly fading yea, i noticed and i won't forgive that but it seems like so far forums help. But it did create this thought of what is support, i mean no i'm not blaming it here and i could never moderate or try to help you guys they know this and so don't i, but i have been to different places and started to see a pattern. And it confuses me i'm taking my time to slowly learn what it is about people because i don't really get it, though i do get people can only do so much that's one thing i am starting to come to terms with understanding. I know you guys and find IP's any site can do that but anonymity, isn't something i think anyone has on the internet. I feel like i'm saying to much even though i know i'm free to say what i feel and iv'e done nothing wrong other then create my own space.
I just want to click a button erase everything erase my past erase the present iv'e watched so many sites just throw people around its hard to find ones i trust and ones i care about. Yet some how i must hold a small amount of understand/acceptance for susans even with the trouble it caused simply because i see a couple mods here and there who i care about but don't tell them that. And on top of that weather or not i always see it, it does help sometimes. It's just people and the way people think that i have trouble with, and the way everything is always misinterpreted that creates problems. (Now i'm just venting so i'm going to end this i could go on forever but it wouldn't end, solving it is my problem it seems)

[cindianna_jones]

Certainly, you are your own master and must do the "heavy lifting" to solve your own problems. But we might help. So, what are they? Pick one. Write a separate post on it. Tell us how you are coping with that issue. Maybe we might discover we can help you with that one thing. Now all of us have lots of problems. But take your biggest one and let's discuss.

[Midnightstar]

Midnightstar,

Most people don't know what to say. Even though we've felt similar feelings, we just don't know what to say. Especially when it comes to suicidal posts. Personally, I have no qualifications to reach out and "help." I have no formal studies from which to draw. I don't have a degree.

Many people on the site are going through similar problems as well and it may seem overwhelming to extend their own weak sense of self to lend a hand to someone else.

Another thing you should note is that this is a very busy site. It is impossible for everyone to read every post although some have tried.

But please note that some of us are here for the sole reason to help others. We don't need to be here. We've long past those near term milestones that so many are worried about. So get to know us. You'll find out who we are. Send any moderator a PM if you like. We do try very hard to help as many as we can. We'd like to help out long before your reach the end of your rope. Maybe we can tie on an extension.

Chin up, okay?
Cindi

I sometimes think i'll reach the end of the rope
But i never do, it's more like a void.
I'm thinking people just confuse me but i am probably going over to much
I think i'm looking up.

[Dena]

Lets try it this way, what is the most important problem you face that you need help with. I looked at your past post and I haven't been able to decide what the biggest obstacle is you are trying to overcome. Treatment requires many small steps and is a long term project. My transition involved coning out, getting my head in the right place, many steps reaching the point where I could pass effectively and then getting my first job as Dena. If you look at the site you will find that most of what people ask is for help with one small step in their transition that they are currently dealing with. They may have hundreds of posts dealing with the many steps of their transition. What is the first question/problems you need help with today? If I can't answer it, perhaps somebody else can.

[Midnightstar]

Certainly, you are your own master and must do the "heavy lifting" to solve your own problems. But we might help. So, what are they? Pick one. Write a separate post on it. Tell us how you are coping with that issue. Maybe we might discover we can help you with that one thing. Now all of us have lots of problems. But take your biggest one and let's discuss.

I think my biggest problem would be small to others
iv'e discussed most of them, opening up about my childhood was probably the big one.
And then the stuff i have to deal with inside my family and being alone wanting to meet trans people offline is another but all together that's also something i have to find, But finding that in a small town is hard.

[Midnightstar]

Lets try it this way, what is the most important problem you face that you need help with. I looked at your past post and I haven't been able to decide what the biggest obstacle is you are trying to overcome. Treatment requires many small steps and is a long term project. My transition involved coning out, getting my head in the right place, many steps reaching the point where I could pass effectively and then getting my first job as Dena. If you look at the site you will find that most of what people ask is for help with one small step in their transition that they are currently dealing with. They may have hundreds of posts dealing with the many steps of their transition. What is the first question/problems you need help with today? If I can't answer it, perhaps somebody else can.

It's as i quoted below, but everything is inside my head like stuck in a jar
so its so crowded that i don't always know someday's my big problem could be different
Hence why i probably write a lot

[Dena]

Transgender is many things, you might desire a full transition or you might be comfortable living with less. Our Wiki will give you the names and descriptions of some of the possibilities so do any of the descriptions match what you feel.

Are you out or are you uncomfortable coming out. Do you need help with that.

Have you done anything to make yourself more comfortable  in life.

If you could push that magic button that would transform you into what ever you wanted to become, what would that button make you become.

I am guessing as to what your problem is. My transition was 33 years ago so I know a good deal about it but we need a starting point to discuss. Feel free to go another direction if that is what you want to know.

[Midnightstar]

Transgender is many things, you might desire a full transition or you might be comfortable living with less. Our Wiki will give you the names and descriptions of some of the possibilities so do any of the descriptions match what you feel.

Are you out or are you uncomfortable coming out. Do you need help with that.

Have you done anything to make yourself more comfortable  in life.

If you could push that magic button that would transform you into what ever you wanted to become, what would that button make you become.

I am guessing as to what your problem is. My transition was 33 years ago so I know a good deal about it but we need a starting point to discuss. Feel free to go another direction if that is what you want to know.

I want to go stealth and i dislike lying so my idea of stealth isn't dropping everyone
it's sort of just having people i trust and care about play along and go with the fact i'm a male without saying i'm inside a female body. (I'll say that only if needed) And to respond to the question on what i am i can only tell you how i see myself and i see myself as a guy with some femininity basically i'm ftm i wouldn't consider myself a girl but i don't deny i may have some non binary things/feelings someday's. I consider a guy though and that is what i'm wanting. On the part about my body and how i want to look i'm unsure that is the most confusing part for me but im in the phase at the moment where i'm starting to sort that out i'm not yet ready to go into it with people to much because i'm just getting there in my head and need time.

[Dena]

You only need to answer the questions for yourself and not for me unless you want to.

The transition is what ever you define it to be. You have a menu to chose from and so far you have checked living as a male. You need to decide if T is right for you, top or bottom surgery and how you wish to experience sex and with who. The right answers are the ones that feel right to you. We have FTM for who a social transition is enough and others who want everything on the menu. I don't care if you are non binary or transsexual as long as the life makes you happy. Remember when you are making these decisions, you are on an island and nobody will ever see you so there is no social pressure. Make this decision with your heart and not your head because transgender isn't a decision, it was something you were born with and it can't be changed.

[Serenation]

I am sorry you are feeling not so good and can only offer you a hug.

There is infinite number of sad, depressed and suicidal trans people, there are always new people and always will be. Support sites really are not for the faint hearted. Some people are constantly depressed and you often see the same people being suicidal over and over.

Help as many as you can help but keep your own head afloat. Can be easy to get sad and depressed yourself when you are surrounded by it.

That said there are many uplifting posts, stories and people here. People are helping people find services and professionals, just talking about things you love with people in a similar situation to you is supportive. Posting good things that happen is helpful to everyone.

[Midnightstar]

You only need to answer the questions for yourself and not for me unless you want to.

The transition is what ever you define it to be. You have a menu to chose from and so far you have checked living as a male. You need to decide if T is right for you, top or bottom surgery and how you wish to experience sex and with who. The right answers are the ones that feel right to you. We have FTM for who a social transition is enough and others who want everything on the menu. I don't care if you are non binary or transsexual as long as the life makes you happy. Remember when you are making these decisions, you are on an island and nobody will ever see you so there is no social pressure. Make this decision with your heart and not your head because transgender isn't a decision, it was something you were born with and it can't be changed.

This was a really good example of what i'm talking about when i say something like i want help
there was a second where from what i understood wanted to help, so you did and that's great.
But where i get confused is when i get asked questions okay, so i answer to the questions then
i'm later told there questions for me to answer. But you guys also want to help me understand
and learn why i'm frustrated. I don't know if i put the clear enough but either way it's no big deal and i don't blame anyone it happens a lot but its a example of how i tend to interpret words and why things are misunderstood with me so quickly. I'm reading things in a different way it seems so i'm always trying to find that zone where i understand and they understand however being on the same side of thinking isn't easy.
But that's off topic, i just noticed it and spoke about it sometimes and i'm like "Perfect moment!" so i said it, but again just note nothing big i blame nobody it just happened and it gave me a opening to show people what i'm trying to say. I hope that didn't seem rude, and i know that was sorta random.

[Midnightstar]

I am sorry you are feeling not so good and can only offer you a hug.

There is infinite number of sad, depressed and suicidal trans people, there are always new people and always will be. Support sites really are not for the faint hearted. Some people are constantly depressed and you often see the same people being suicidal over and over.

Help as many as you can help but keep your own head afloat. Can be easy to get sad and depressed yourself when you are surrounded by it.

That said there are many uplifting posts, stories and people here. People are helping people find services and professionals, just talking about things you love with people in a similar situation to you is supportive. Posting good things that happen is helpful to everyone.

Yea, i think i'm starting to comprehend how in the eyes of others support is seen so that helps.
Support isn't saving a life it's trying to help to the best of your ability it isn't reaching out and pulling someone out of fire but it's reaching out and stopping that possibility of them stepping into the fire.
am i right?

[Midnightstar]

Hugs, MidnightStar. It sounds like you're in an especially difficult place.

To answer your question, a lot of people back away from people who are profoundly unhappy. They don't know how to react and they're afraid of making it worse.

I can only speak for myself. I care, and I hope this site helps you feel a little less alone. We can't fix you, we can't even help you, but we can listen and care.

Hang in there. You have inside you the strength you need to see things through.

Hm, i get it its like me i used to help a lot of people and some of them people i helped where what you guys would probably consider "Profoundly unhappy" Even i was scared to make a move because any move you made could mean that person could slip and is in such a state of mind that you can't always help because you can't predict whats going to happen or occur when they think about what you've stated while inside depression.
And any misunderstanding with people who are so unhappy could lead to a very bad outcome hence why some take the rout of looking and giving them professional resources and backing away from the individuals instead of approaching in a way that could create harm.  Then when i hit that state and started going away from helping others i did it because helping became to much as i myself was falling into overwhelming life problems. Then when people faded from me they faded because they didn't know what else to do so fading away in whatever quantity was best in their eyes.

Huh, i get it thank you .-. don't mind me for me to understand others myself and the reason why people do what they do i need to not only speak but go  over things and ask questions and then later analyze and gain results so i can later comprehend and understand.  (That and i'm a strong believer in the saying: Question everything)

[Dena]

This was a really good example of what i'm talking about when i say something like i want help
there was a second where from what i understood wanted to help, so you did and that's great.
But where i get confused is when i get asked questions okay, so i answer to the questions then
i'm later told there questions for me to answer. But you guys also want to help me understand
and learn why i'm frustrated. I don't know if i put the clear enough but either way it's no big deal and i don't blame anyone it happens a lot but its a example of how i tend to interpret words and why things are misunderstood with me so quickly. I'm reading things in a different way it seems so i'm always trying to find that zone where i understand and they understand however being on the same side of thinking isn't easy.
But that's off topic, i just noticed it and spoke about it sometimes and i'm like "Perfect moment!" so i said it, but again just note nothing big i blame nobody it just happened and it gave me a opening to show people what i'm trying to say. I hope that didn't seem rude, and i know that was sorta random.

It think I understand what you are saying but I am not sure so I may get this wrong. When I came out, I knew I wanted to be a woman but there were many questions about what type of woman I wanted to be. In the 8 years between coming out and surgery, I explored the options and am now the person I want to be. I am not overly feminine and I engage in things that are normally masculine and feminine. I had minimal surgery on my body with a nose job and reassignment surgery. I could have had breast augmentation to make myself sexier but I am comfortable with the small breast that HRT gave me.

You wouldn't be asking for help if you knew what you wanted and and were seeking help to obtain it. I may not be asking the right questions or you might not have decided the right question to ask. My solution is two fold. I ask questions hoping that I will ask the right one. I throw out ideas hopping one of them will click so you can lead us to the right conversation.

As I said before, you are born the way you are so I can tell you what caused what you feel but you will never understand why you feel the way you do any more that why you love somebody or why you like a food that you eat.

There is something on your mind, a feeling, a though, a wish, a question and we need to understand that in order to help you. A therapist might be able to draw it out faster but if you can express it here, we might be able to help you better.