Getting discouraged

[WhatIAm]

I'm getting super discouraged folks...

Ive only been on hormones for about a week and a half so obviously it's way too early to see results, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'll never pass. I constantly compare myself to every girl I see. I look at their hands, then at mine. I look at their feet, then at mine. And so on and so on. Every time I do I get more and more discouraged that I'll never look anything like that and that I'll never have a successful transition.

I've never even fully dressed up (clothes + makeup) before. I don't have a place where I can do that and I'm so afraid to do anything where I might be outed. I need to get laser or electrolysis but I'm too afraid. I need to style my hair differently but I'm too afraid. I don't even know how I managed to make it through my endo appointment.

I'm getting really bad and depressive thoughts every time I think about how overwhelming this process is and the only person I can talk to about it I have to pay to talk to (therapist). I literally have no support system, absolutely nothing. I'm so afraid and super depressed.

[Cindy]

Honey,

We all start out that way.

No way could I leave the house. No way could I buy clothes, no way could I .....name it.

So we do small steps. Is there a local transgender support group? Look them up in google. You can go as you and meet other girls. It helps!

So what is the future?
Hon, five years ago I was scared I couldn't use a phone. I certainly couldn't be Cindy.

Now I walk proudly down the street, have lots of friends and I'm not that little scary cat anymore.

You can do this Hon, just one step at a time.

And we are here to help.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, there is no denying that transition is an overwhelming process...you aren't alone in feeling that, I'd say pretty much everyone who has tried it has felt that way. Just approach it in a way that works for you, talk to your therapist about coping strategies and about support structures. You're already on hormones so that's great - yes, it takes time...many, many months in fact, and HRT will only do so much. I don't say that to scare or discourage you, but clothing, style, attitude, presentation are all part of the mix. The good thing is that you have as long as you need to get yourself to a point where you feel confident and ready. Stop engaging in envy games about cis women, especially since it seems to depress and distress you. Park that concern about "never passing" and forget about it...the more you entertain that idea the more you undermine your transition and your confidence. Go check out the before and after threads and see what some supposedly "will never pass" people were able to accomplish.

[April_marrie]

I remember 2 years ago when i started hrt , i was so scared to go outside even to take the trash out incase someone saw me. Omg to have to go to the shops i would still go in boy mode till one day the checkout guy called me mam .... God i nearly choked , I still had to function with my work and daily things and just had to find a way to cope . It all comes easier with time .
Today i was at the beach with a friend dressed in yoga pants and a tee looking fem . Guess im just trying to say it gets easier


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[JoanneB]

I've been told, and still have not fully learned, that the most sure fire way to get yourself depressed is to compare yourself to others. It is much easier said then done. These days life as a trans person can be totally depressing if you spend endless hours watching Youtube videos of super success stories. You know, the ones worthwhile to brag about, or inspire others. For us that feel or know we did not win the gene-pool lottery they can be depressing. To counteract that I learned to simply look around at average everyday people doing mundane everyday things like grocery shopping. You see a far different story.

To this day I can still allow myself to get depressed over how far, how fast, others in my support group. I've been there long enough to see many come in scared, confused, and depressed seeking support. I've seen them all going full time. I've seen others come in as full-time. All while I try to keep my life from spiraling out of control be staying the way I was or switching roles.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

[StillAnonymous]

I think even a lot of cis-gender girls look at other girls and envy them.  I think a lot of people have what they don't want, and want what they don't have.  It's not unusual.

HRT takes time.  Cis-gender girls took a lot long time to develop into women...  there's no free lunch... we're going to have to put the time into it too.  I still present as male in public, and my internal struggles are a secret from friends and family.  My support group is limited too, but I'm doing what makes me feel best, and I am continuing to make progress behind the scenes.  You're going to make it happen too if that is what you want.

I do think cosmetics, advertisements, and our social standards heavily exaggerate what is feminine.  While I was in a serious relationship several years ago, my beautiful (ex) girlfriend was comfortable enough around me to remove her makeup.  She was still gorgeous, but that is when I realized that she did not have the dominating features that I was expecting.  A lot of people throw on a mask and, for some reason, we believe these characteristics are completely natural, but they are not.  Anyone can pass...  what's interesting is that I am the last person to notice these changes despite looking for them.  Again, I haven't even expressed myself openly, and people are telling me changes *they* notice (before me).  Don't be too hard on yourself.

[WhatIAm]

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone. I know it's going to be a tough journey and maybe I'm just being dramatic, I don't know. It's just really scary. I'll try my best to take it one step at a time though.

[Felix]

I know this is silly advice, but if you are able to then just let go of worrying about whether you'll pass or not.

For example, I mostly shop at Fred Meyer. It's a grocery chain, nothing interesting. I know of 3 locations that employ transgender people, and all employees have nametags. Some of them have their preferred pronouns on their nametags. There are people who work there who do not pass and may never pass, but they get called ma'am (or sir) all day every day. People who misgender them almost always apologize and switch to the right pronouns. Just telling people or cueing them works. You don't have to look like a natural woman to have society recognize your womanhood. Most people will meet you where you're at.

I'm afraid and overwhelmed all the time too. I don't have anybody to talk to except my therapist too. I have no family and lately I don't have friends. It's stressful. You're not alone in that dark place.

Please don't let your isolation or other difficulties keep you from transition. Your gender stuff isn't going to just go away if you ignore it or aren't ready for it. Nobody is ever ready for it.