Relationship/Supportiveness/Advice

[LostHeart]

I'm not sure if this is the correct area to post in, but I'm looking for all advice, significant others, and trans* alike.


I met the most wonderful man (FTM) with the sweetest, most amazing soul 6 months ago. Things progressively got more serious. We care greatly about each other. Love spending time together. Love each other. He's changed my entire world.

His anxiety has seemed to increase, and is having severe trans* issues. He told me he hates himself. Wants/needs therapy (which brings on more anxiety, stress, nerves, ect, to himself). Told me he thinks about killing himself all the time. Says he doesn't deserve someone loving him. He says he can't love himself so he can't love me (which I can understand that notion), needs to work on himself, and can't be with me. That he has to do this alone. Yet also says with me he's the happiest he's ever been. That I make him feel safe.

Since day one I've offered absolute unconditional support, and continue to do so. I'm just having a hard time understanding. If I can be his rock, his solid support system, even financially supportive, there for him always - no matter what. Why does he want/need to go through this alone? Why push me away? I don't believe he has a support system in place (he has great friends, but no one that he is comfortable with talking about trans* issues, as its very much so a source of anxiety/stress).

I'm trying to give him the time and space that he needs, while working on myself, expanding my own self and forging new friendships. But while still letting him know I am here, I'm always going to be right here for him, and I'm not going anywhere.

I'm just at a complete loss, and looking for advice/help/encouragement/anything really.
Thanks.

[Laura_7]

First, have a *hug*

Well the whole thing is not easy to understand.

Here are some resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

There are findings being transgender is biological.
There are differences in brains of women and men.
Before birth, those differences are fixed through various transmitter substances.
So a mismatch is possible.
There are even substances known to cause a higher rate of transgender people.
They are off the market now.
So its literally a mans brain in a womans body, and vice versa.
There are different severities to this thats why there is a transgender spectrum.

This might help you and him understand:
-its nothing to be ashamed of
-its likely not a phase
-its nobodys fault, not an upbringing or whatever.

This might help him turn away from shame etc and being open for outside help.
Imo its simply a birth condition like others and outside people are called to help.

Seeing an experienced gender therapist to help guide through this should be of advantage.
There are some working on sliding scales. And there are even online counselors.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Transgender people may have a condition called gender dysphoria.
meaning unhappines with their body or social dysphoria.
The usual remedy is to adapt the body as much as people feel necessary.
Usually it starts out with easy reversible steps like changes to hair and clothing style.

You might talk to each other ...

and watch out for yourself ... see to it that you remain in a comfortable place ...

you might invite him to take part on susans ... and there also is a chat ...


many *hugs*

[LostHeart]

Thanks for the reply. I don't believe either he or I are confused about things trans*. I think he is just now ready to seek therapy that he's known he's needed for awhile. But, has excluded me from being part of his life while he works on himself, and that really hurts, as I just want to be there for him.

[Laura_7]

Thanks for the reply. I don't believe either he or I are confused about things trans*. I think he is just now ready to seek therapy that he's known he's needed for awhile. But, has excluded me from being part of his life while he works on himself, and that really hurts, as I just want to be there for him.

Its not about confusion.
Its about having the feeling being transgender is a condition that needs to be hidden ... or something to be ashamed about.
If its biological imo it can be much better accepted.
Also by relatives for eample....

Here is another resource that could help him accept:


Above was a list with experienced online therapists...

baseline is there is no need for self hatred for him.
There are many others who have gone through this and succeeded.
Its a birth condition which can be treated.
And there is no need to do this alone.


If they feel like self harm they can reach out ...
there are transgender helplines, for example:
www.translifeline.org

*hugs*

[Asche]

Also, a lot of trans people have suffered abuse, emotional or otherwise, which not only causes them to hate themselves but also makes them associate letting people close to them with pain.  Even though he knows intellectually that you won't hurt him, his experience tells him that everyone will if given a chance.

Therapy may appear to increase his distress, but I think will really just make him more conscious of the distress he's going through all the time.  However, once he gets into the serious part of therapy, he may feel even more vulnerable than he does now.  You may need to discuss with him and maybe his therapist what you can do to not trigger him, plus work out what sort of support you are capable of giving him.  (It's important to know your limits and work out how you can support him without going beyond them.)

FWIW, I also have had a problem with self-hatred and the need to keep people away.  My current therapist is not only a gender therapist but has experience and training in dealing with trauma.  If your boyfriend can find someone like that, that would be ideal.

[JoanneB]

Just my view on life....

Trans people IMHO spend a good part of life "If Only....."ing things, as in If only I do this or if only I do that then these feelings will go away. For MTF there is a lot if only I have a girlfriend, if only I get into a LTR, if only we get married, if only we have kids. Always in search of "The Cure". That magic pill that will fix us, make these feelings go away.

And then comes a glimmer of enlightenment in a very scary form. It Does Not Go Away!  So now what? The old tricks that failed before will likely fail again. As Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result".  My daily affirmation is "I Know  What Does Not Work".

Starting a new, perhaps an LTR, is just repeating past attempts to cure yourself. Perhaps the reason for want to distance himself rather then be a wrecking ball to the life a person you care for

[LostHeart]

Just my view on life....

Trans people IMHO spend a good part of life "If Only....."ing things, as in If only I do this or if only I do that then these feelings will go away. For MTF there is a lot if only I have a girlfriend, if only I get into a LTR, if only we get married, if only we have kids. Always in search of "The Cure". That magic pill that will fix us, make these feelings go away.

And then comes a glimmer of enlightenment in a very scary form. It Does Not Go Away!  So now what? The old tricks that failed before will likely fail again. As Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result".  My daily affirmation is "I Know  What Does Not Work".

Starting a new, perhaps an LTR, is just repeating past attempts to cure yourself. Perhaps the reason for want to distance himself rather then be a wrecking ball to the life a person you care for

Your last line hit it dead on. He said he doesn't want to involve me in his mess. But i see things from a different perspective that I care so deeply for him, and I'm strong enough to be there for him, and help in whatever ways i can.

RE: Asche, sadly it doesn't appear we are together by his choice. But if we do speak I'll suggest those things.

Thank you all for the replies

[Jacqueline]

Lostheart,

Welcome to Susans,

You seem to have fallen in with some folks with good advice and ideas. We have a pretty supportive site. It does not always give you what you want but helps to find information that you might need.

I would like to share some links with you that have welcomes, information and policies. Please take a look at them:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

As far as categories go, this might want to be in introductions. It could also live in the significant other divisions(there is one part really only for SO's and their family and another that is more general that all can access). If you would like me to move this to another category, that is something I can do.

I hope you find what you want and what you need.

With warmth,

Joanna

[LostHeart]

Thank you. by all means move this thread to where it should be.
Ultimately I was seeking advice from SO's and trans* people themselves as well as they may have a better understanding of he is coming from.

[LostHeart]

Maybe someone has some advice on why he feels he needs to go through this alone? He's hardly talking to me, needs his space, and says his heart hurts. I'm just so lost, confused, and heartbroken. I never want him to have to deal with things alone. I want to be his strong support always.

[Laura_7]

Maybe someone has some advice on why he feels he needs to go through this alone? He's hardly talking to me, needs his space, and says his heart hurts. I'm just so lost, confused, and heartbroken. I never want him to have to deal with things alone. I want to be his strong support always.

You might get into a space he feels comfortable in and talk a bit ... in a sincere and understanding way... not too serious, maybe keeping it on a light note.

Like having a cup of tea together, and then talking.
Men usually dread a "we have to talk" line. Imo better is just to say you'd like to talk a bit to him...

Understand he might be kind of torn inside.
He grew up feeling like a boy. Then people came along telling him he has to be a girl.
Often transgender people kind of unconsciously read others expectations. Like a constant adaption.
So its possible he feels he needs a space for himself.

You might tell him you do not have gender expectations towards him, and want to help him being himself.
This is something he probably has not experienced much.
You might try to tell him to feel at ease ... no need for masks or gender roles.

Its possible he does not know exactly what he wants... thats what a gender therapist is for. To help along the way.

Well you might show him some of the materials on this thread ... so he might feel its not his fault, and he is one of many people with this issues .
Its possible from childhood on he felt something was wrong with him.
As said he possibly had a feeling to be a boy .. and was told to be a girl. This can lead to feelings of something being wrong.

So imo its self acceptance...
and accepting that there are people who love him and want to help, where he does not need to hide.
This does not have to mean dependence, just some help.
Its also possible they fear dependence.

You might also talk this through with a gender therapist, together with him, joining one or two sessions.

Imo really talking about both of your fears and feelings can help. Talking to each other on a regular level.


*hugs*

[LostHeart]

Thanks so much, Laura. I'm just having a supremely rough time with losing him. He knows I've always accepted him for him, no questions, no strings. He's beyond amazing, he just doesn't see that through my eyes. He's definitely having large self acceptance issues, he's so hateful of himself, and that kills me inside. I know *I* can't fix that for him, I just know I can be there for him. But he's said he needs time away from me. So I've expressed that I'll be right here, when he's ready.

I would definitely go to the therapist with him, all he has to do is ask/suggest it. I'd do absolutely anything for him. Even give him his space (as much as it breaks my heart) to allow him time to figure himself out.

When he begins to talk to me again, and hopefully open up a little to me, I'll send him this way. I think even just reading and not even interacting on the forums could help him, along with therapy.

I just love him so and want to help him.

[Laura_7]

Thanks so much, Laura. I'm just having a supremely rough time with losing him. He knows I've always accepted him for him, no questions, no strings. He's beyond amazing, he just doesn't see that through my eyes. He's definitely having large self acceptance issues, he's so hateful of himself, and that kills me inside. I know *I* can't fix that for him, I just know I can be there for him. But he's said he needs time away from me. So I've expressed that I'll be right here, when he's ready.

I personally would talk to him....

really talk to him.
Its different if you talk to him and say you accept him and if you really talk about his restraints and that you are willing to see him as he is and are willing to support him.
This might get him out of the corner he is in, and bring you closer together.
Of course if he wants his space and needs some time away then its up to him.
But I personally would try.
But its up to you since you know him best.

Giving him some material then to accept himself ... there are many materials on this site showing a biological explanation for being transgender...
here is a brochure...
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf


*hugs*

[LostHeart]

I would sit down and talk with him in a heartbeat. But he won't talk to me, virtually at all. All he's said is he's ok, but sad, needs space and his heart hurts. I can't force him to talk to me. So I've told him I'll be right here when he's ready. I'd give anything for him. I can just hope a little bit of time will allow him to be able to talk, and not forget that there IS someone who cares about him more than anything.

I'm so distraught that not only is he feeling depressed, that his heart hurts. I know I can't help his issues, but I can be there. I am there. He just doesn't want it, and I'm not sure how to handle that. He knows what he needs best, I just want him happy.

[Laura_7]

I would sit down and talk with him in a heartbeat. But he won't talk to me, virtually at all. All he's said is he's ok, but sad, needs space and his heart hurts. I can't force him to talk to me. So I've told him I'll be right here when he's ready. I'd give anything for him. I can just hope a little bit of time will allow him to be able to talk, and not forget that there IS someone who cares about him more than anything.

I'm so distraught that not only is he feeling depressed, that his heart hurts. I know I can't help his issues, but I can be there. I am there. He just doesn't want it, and I'm not sure how to handle that. He knows what he needs best, I just want him happy.

Well you might tell him you made contact with transgender people who are accepting.
And that you have a few facts about transgender peope he did not know yet.
This might lead him to contact you again eventually.

Have a big *hug* .

I really hope you two come together eventually and can talk to each other and can start being more happy together.

If you want you might make a few helpful posts in other threads, that might give you a good feeling .

And I'd say talk to friends and see to it that you are happy in some ways.


*hugs*

[LostHeart]

Thank you. Right now I'm just giving him his space, praying he comes back around to me soon. My heart goes out to him, and to anyone else in a similar situation. It's so very difficult.

[LostHeart]

Could a moderator possibly move this to the SO thread?! Thanks


I've been having a lot of trouble with  "giving him space" I've never dealt with anything like this. I stopped flooding him with texts, which I know was annoying, it's just so hard. It's only been a few days with virtually no contact, so after about a day of no messages I sent him an extremely thoughtful, I'm here for you, you're amazing, been thinking of you and wondering how you are, kind of message. I'm not even sure if that's a good thing, harmful, or what. I just want him knowing I'm always right here.

[Laura_7]

Could a moderator possibly move this to the SO thread?! Thanks


I've been having a lot of trouble with  "giving him space" I've never dealt with anything like this. I stopped flooding him with texts, which I know was annoying, it's just so hard. It's only been a few days with virtually no contact, so after about a day of no messages I sent him an extremely thoughtful, I'm here for you, you're amazing, been thinking of you and wondering how you are, kind of message. I'm not even sure if that's a good thing, harmful, or what. I just want him knowing I'm always right here.

*hugs*

I mself would have added something about having met some understanding transgender people ... and that they had a lot of interesting information ... which might make him curious 

Hope he contacts you

*hugs*

[Jacqueline]

Moved.

Have a great day.

Joanna

[LostHeart]

Thanks Laura, I'll bring it up if he decides to really talk with me.


I think I did something dumb. I sent him a text asking if he'd maybe like to meet up for drinks, saying I totally understand and its perfectly ok if he didn't want to.
He did reply, which is more than he has done in days, just said "i don't know if that's a good idea"

so I made a few jokes to lighten the mood, and that it's no worries, and that i'm thinking of him and i'm here to talk when he's ready.


the complete lack of communication other than him telling me days ago "he can't do this relationship right now" is just really stressful. He apparently still has feelings for me, but just doesn't want me around right now? It's very boggling to me, and I just feel so lost.