When I was a kid I got a small wart something on the palm side of one of my fingers. It was almost unnoticeable at first until it sort of became a hard lump with a small dot in the middle and that's when I considered it an abomination that had to go. I took a pair of nail clippers and destroyed it. You'd never know it had ever been there, after.
That's how I started to feel about certain female anatomy as time went on. Some of it I actually thought might have been cancerous because I didn't know what it was "supposed" to look like at all. It flat out disgusted me, and for a long time I wished I could do the same thing I'd done to the wart without severely injuring myself to some of these female bits. To me they were diseases of my body and I hated them. That plus all of the talk about female cancers of female organs also disgusted me. I avoided ever seeing anybody about any of those, even for check ups. Screw it, I thought. If this body is going to get a female cancer, it'd be the best thing for it because then those parts would be ripped out - that was my childhood thinking anyway. I never did get a cancer or any sort of female problem but even now my disgust would probably lead me to neglect the issue somewhat.
If you can picture a female child who had never been told by an adult they were going to develop breasts, and bleed every month, or possibly get pregnant and have something growing inside them, etc. and watched them grow up I'd imagine their own bodies would freak them out to some extent when they began to do these things. Then picture a male child being told this was also going to happen to them... that was me. I'd been told, but I didn't really take the information in - not to heart. A part of me denied they would ever happen because they were awful. When they did start to happen, I guess it was quietly traumatic for me. I exhibited denial behavior. I would ignore periods even when they could hardly be ignored and would forget they were going to happen or to have enough supplies to deal with them. I would wrap the offending body parts down tight so I couldn't feel them. You know, the usual. I was convinced this was not my life and I was not going to deal with this B.S. if I could possibly avoid it. I did some unhealthy things to myself in order to make the experience of a female body as invisible to myself as possible... and I really did hate it. One of the reasons I absolutely refuse to entertain the thought of having children is because it would fulfill this body's function. I've always been at war with it and with what nature has done to me and playing nature's game is the last thing I will do. Was all quite pathological in my case and I'm still just now uncovering from memory the extent of how fubar it all was/is.
In later years I guess I started to accept them in the same way I imagined the Elephant Man must have finally had to accept within himself what he looked like, and sequester myself from society.
So it feels like... body horror, disgust, hate, wanting to slice pieces off with a knife. And finally, bitterness and almost complete disregard for this physical form. I've actually forgotten a bit just how much hate I had for my flesh years ago. But it was a lot.
These days what manifests as dysphoria is when nature's purposes are revealed in how human beings interact and why sexism exists... and you realize how non-neutral and non-altruistic human interactions usually are in almost every way... how it all ties in to sex and dominance and therefore gender (and how the genders use and view each other).... and what the hell, screw that, screw it all. If I transition I'm not going to join this party just because I might feel more secure in the head. Nature and the way it operates still disgusts me, and I recognize the futility of that view. To think I once did a biology degree, but it was being transsexual that really educated me as to how mechanical and cutthroat it all really is, humans being no exception. Even the most innocuous actions of people can be saturated with problems for someone like us. It's almost like a different world to be here in these shoes, I'm sure.
