no GID. I know what I am. but no one around me believes it. that makes it hard...being the only person you know to believe something, something arguably significant, something that is rooted deep in the core of your being that affects so many things in your everyday life...I cringe when people call me by my birthname, use feminine pronouns to describe me, call me "ma'am" in public...ma'am, miss, lady, woman, all because I have boobs and a vagina instead of a penis. does that really necessarily make me a woman? I would think that a conscious person telling you what gender they are makes them that gender. but unfortunately it isn't that easy. no one wants to believe it, because it makes them uncomfortable, or they are emotionally/psychologically attached to your birth gender, or they are skeptical that such a condition actually exists, or that it could be physiological rather than psychological.
now, I have been almost certain of this condition for at least 3 years, and felt very awkward trying to live as a girl for at least 5. I suppose the ideal thing to do would be to talk to a professional, a psychiatrist or psychologist, but there are two problems with that. first, I have no health insurance and no money. second, who's to say a "professional" would even know? I would have to find one who has experience with transsexuals, and there may not even be such a person in my area.
I understand that in my case, it is possible (though I seriously doubt it) that it could all be psychological, that I am not a genuine transsexual and am simply suffering from some psychological trauma that I experienced in childhood, maybe...I'm too open-minded to reject that possibility, as much as I want to.
and I really, really want to. the way I see it, if there is a woman in me somewhere, I want her dead. wiped out, erased, deleted, gone. I have no desire to live as a woman, or try to "save" the woman in me, if there even is one. as I see it, it's too late for that, and would take far more work (extensive therapy), cost too much...really, all it would take is for a "professional" to believe in me, give me support, and what MAY have started as psychological trauma would disappear. I would be so thrilled that I could finally start my transition, so excited about it, that I'd likely forget what the word "trauma" even means.
but I can tell you...that cannot be the case. there is no woman in me. a feminine side, sure...but a woman? no. I'm not going to have surgeries and hormones and then several years down the line REGRET IT ALL and wish to be a woman...no, I never wanted to be one, never will. I have a memory of telling my parents, when I was 5 years old, that "when I grow up I'm gonna turn into a boy." see, I knew it would happen, but they shrugged it off as a silly comment from a child. hmm.
