Hi, Jossam,
Wanted to drop by and reply - I'm having one of "those" days.
Quote from: jossam on March 18, 2016, 07:02:10 PM
I know testosterone is a steroid too. But one thing is to get T for transitioning, getting monitored by doctors, keeping levels at a normal male range....and a different thing is to use stuff for gym at very high doses, above normal ranges, and that's abuse. It's still a different story. I obviously think anyone should do whatever they want with their body, as long as they keep it healthy.
"Normal" is actually meaningless.
Seriously, the lower "normal" is female upper "normal." The upper male normal is 900+ (forget the units.) And it's not "adjusted by age" or anything - so a 20 year old at I think it was 250 is normal, as is a 900-year-old at 900. (ng/ml was it? Anyway...)
Point being, we need to find normal for US. If that's 900 for you, OK. If it's 250, OK. Over at T-Nation, you can find the article on Janae Kroc.
https://www.t-nation.com/living/kroc-from-matt-to-janae (S)he was a pro bodybuilder - and found out that she'd always had low T. I do too, so it resonates a bit; especially how I can put on mass. BTW: Finding it's more Time Under Tension than Max Weights. IE, more Body Building; you described your approach as Strength Building, actually. Just pointing it out, because I found I was doing it wrong, so a reminder we should always check ourselves... ;-)
Quote from: jossam on March 18, 2016, 07:02:10 PM
I will be honest here. I don't think you should feel embarrassed about someone being stronger than you. There will always be someone who is stronger than us. There are many factors that contribute to strength. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone being stronger than someone else.
It's human variety.
I don't give a [censored] about anyone else in one sense: If they're stronger, faster, fitter, that's fine. It's a motivator for me.
What I DO give a [censored] about is looking like I'm a tough target, so a predator won't ever make me a first-choice target. Knowing I can curl 80# until the cows come home is reassuring that way, and the confidence is a dissuasion. Like a porcupine's quills. (BTW, I can't curl 80 any more. :-( C'est la vie. But I LOOK like I can, and I can curl 70 on a barbell. :-D So no one wants to risk it. I hope that clarifies a little? At the same time, some of it is purely ego, manly ego at that.)
I would LOVE to look like the Victoria's Secret models, of course - pipe cleaner arms, 12% or so body fat, etc. But that clashes with my background. And while such a divorce from my past might be great, it is unrealistic, thus impossible. Not just healing from the assault, but losing the size and strength and confidence. If I'd been able to go transition at 10, say, I likely wouldn't have the problem - I'd be perfectly passable. But since I'm not? I need a means to back up my words with (nasty) deeds should it be necessary. Sometimes trouble comes looking for you.
I'm actually back to lifting with worse form now, lighter weights, and it taxes my body less. Also foam rolling everything, and in some cases, using PVC pipe. Hurts, but... I have pliable muscles again, sort of. ;-) Not fond of being made of stone. I am working on cleaning up the form; I guess I really just LOOKED strong.
Quote from: jossam on March 18, 2016, 07:02:10 PM
It just gets frustrating that I work harder than everyone else and don't even get close to their results (in terms of muscle mass not strength) because my current hormone levels are limiting. This obviously gives me dysphoria. With T, I'd be twice my size by now, or at least bigger than how I am now. It just makes me frustrated. So as I said while gym helps me get rid of anger, anxiety etc. and relaxes me, it can also make me dysphoric because it reminds me of my limits and what I could do with the right hormone in my body instead.
I understand that frustration. I think perhaps it's a mirror of what I'm talking about, as well as...
I have broad shoulders. As in, I could get stuck if I tried to push through a 30" doorway without turning. I hated (well, love/hate relationship) that I was that big. That my arms or body would get caught on things as I turned, or walked down a hallway, or such. My mind thought I was smaller than that, you know what I mean? It sounds like you have the opposite problem... You feel you should be touching the sides of the hallway, almost. Very male. ;-)
Which reminds me of another similar feeling, where I shrink or make myself appear smaller. That's a feminine thing... To turn the hips, to turn the torso, put everything in the same line to be visually smaller --> less threatening. Whereas men take up space, square off?
Quote from: jossam on March 18, 2016, 07:02:10 PM
The fact the wrong hormone is dominant in my current situation creates a lot of dysphoria and pain. It's like my body is fighting against my mind all the time, not caring. It's like running towards a hurricane. It's an overwhelming struggle and I hope to put an end to this as soon as possible by getting the right hormone for me.
Yes, I get it. And the sad thing is, no one outside CAN get it. Like someone who is not depressed, they merely think, "Cheer up, dammit!" "Life isn't that bad, everyone has bad days!"
Yeah - After 40 years of bad days, I'd like to correct the problem. If you go poking around on Violent Acres, you can read about her messed-up life.... The one line that stuck with me, is now part of me: From her Grandmother: "Maybe you're depressed because your life sucks." IE, it's not "chemical", you don't need pills or even a shrink - you need to fix your life! Then the wounds heal.
If you want to experiment a little, try dropping the weight a little to make it easier - say, 10%, maybe less - and change the rhythm. Instead of crisp, clean movements, concentric stays fast (say, a 1), then squeeze the muscle for a count of 1, and then the eccentric goes to 4 or more, especially towards the end. (Caveat, I don't know your program, of course! ;-) )
So, instead of a 90% 1RM, more like an 80% or less 1RM; and then, instead of a 101 timings, it's 114. (Concentric-squeeze - eccentric.) I've been doing similar on and off.... Hurts like a [censored], but keeps the flexibility, and gets into the assisting muscles. Do sets of 10, reduce the number of sets if necessary, and build back up... Volume over effort builds bigger, I understand. (German Volume Training, for example, or "Squat every day." You could leverage the Squat routine by squatting and deadlifting every day; I'm not back to that yet. Do the volume/stretch about once a week; otherwise it'll tear you up, at least at my age. If you're say 18, 19? Less of an issue. Adjust to meet your abilities, of course. But as an example, I was doing 4 sets of 10 using 75# dumbbells for Shoulder Press. Most of the guys on the floor are using 30# or less... It's a good feeling. :-D But I don't do it daily, or even often. After all, I want to get SMALLER... ;-) )
Keep posting back, tell us how it's going!
-Dianna
