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Does the doubt ever go away

Started by Denise, March 19, 2016, 10:35:38 AM

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Denise

For some of you here transitioning is a no-brainer.  For me I've always wanted to be female which I think is different than I am female in the wrong body.  I do know that when I temporarily got off the transition train I was a total wreck  after 45 days.  Not suicidal but just mad at the world.  Everything was someone else's fault or they were out to get me.

Now that I'm back on the train (started Spiro this week, Estradiol in 2 months) I feel wonderful, great, fantastic.  I'm happy, smiling, laughing for the first time in ... decades maybe.

And here's the BUT... am I doing the right thing?  Will I be better off 2 years from now?  (Someone please invent a time machine to look 5 years ahead - Please.)

So my question is this:  Does the doubt ever go away and if so when?
1st Person out: 16-Oct-2015
Restarted Spironolactone 26-Aug-2016
Restarted Estradiol Valerate: 02-Nov-2016
Full time: 02-Mar-2017
Breast Augmentation (Schechter): 31-Oct-2017
FFS (Walton in Chicago): 25-Sep-2018
Vaginoplasty (Schechter): 13-Dec-2018









A haiku in honor of my grandmother who loved them.
The Voices are Gone
Living Life to the Fullest
I am just Denise
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suzifrommd

Quote from: pj on March 19, 2016, 10:35:38 AM
For some of you here transitioning is a no-brainer.  For me I've always wanted to be female which I think is different than I am female in the wrong body.  I do know that when I temporarily got off the transition train I was a total wreck  after 45 days.  Not suicidal but just mad at the world.  Everything was someone else's fault or they were out to get me.

Now that I'm back on the train (started Spiro this week, Estradiol in 2 months) I feel wonderful, great, fantastic.  I'm happy, smiling, laughing for the first time in ... decades maybe.

And here's the BUT... am I doing the right thing?  Will I be better off 2 years from now?  (Someone please invent a time machine to look 5 years ahead - Please.)

So my question is this:  Does the doubt ever go away and if so when?

I never felt I was in the wrong body. I rather liked (and still like) my body even though it was the wrong shape.
I never felt in the least suicidal. My interest in being a girl never troubled me. I thought it was a beautiful thing about me.

I've now been happily living full-time for two and a half years. My doubts disappeared shortly into going full time when I realized it was a far more natural way for me to be, and that the world would accept me that way.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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Thessa

I do hope that it will go away!

Currently I'm doubting myself very often, due to the uncertain future and not knowing if I can be a good and caring parent to my daughters, a good daughter and sister during and after transitioning.

But he, this is my way to happiness and I will do everything to fullfil my duties in life the best I can.
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Denise

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 19, 2016, 11:55:37 AM
I never felt I was in the wrong body. I rather liked (and still like) my body even though it was the wrong shape.
I never felt in the least suicidal. My interest in being a girl never troubled me. I thought it was a beautiful thing about me.

I've now been happily living full-time for two and a half years. My doubts disappeared shortly into going full time when I realized it was a far more natural way for me to be, and that the world would accept me that way.

One thing I've learned on this site: Someone else feels/things EXACTLY like you do.  Your post give me great hope and joy.  (Man that sounds corny, but it's the truth!)
1st Person out: 16-Oct-2015
Restarted Spironolactone 26-Aug-2016
Restarted Estradiol Valerate: 02-Nov-2016
Full time: 02-Mar-2017
Breast Augmentation (Schechter): 31-Oct-2017
FFS (Walton in Chicago): 25-Sep-2018
Vaginoplasty (Schechter): 13-Dec-2018









A haiku in honor of my grandmother who loved them.
The Voices are Gone
Living Life to the Fullest
I am just Denise
  •  

LivingTheDream

I never felt I was in the wrong body either; I hated my body, hated the male role, and always had that nagging wish that I was born female.

I've had many doubts throughout this whole process. I've probably doubted everything at one time or another...For years I doubted if I was even trans.

I started off transition by doing the things that I had the least or no doubts about. Luckily for me, one of the first things I started was hair removal. Always hated it, hated shaving too, and knew I wouldn't miss it if it was gone. Figured it wouldn't out me either and I could always stop if I wanted to.

I knew I wanted hrt yet had many doubts about that. I had already kinda messed around with it (self med herbs, I'm bad I know!) and I liked the changes I saw from that. I was also really depressed, kinda suicidal, and I knew I had to try to fix self. I really had no intention of coming out or living part or full time at the time, identifying myself as nonbinary back then. Worried I was way to manly, too old, and that hrt wouldn't help me enough to ever be passable. I worried that it would be too effective too, that I would have male fail and everyone would be able to tell. I was worried I wouldn't like some of its effects on me, how I would feel on it. I decided that I would deal with it if/when these issues came up, no point worrying about it nonstop in the meantime.

Doubted that I'd ever come out. I had much shame and embarrassment about it and I had spent my whole life doing everything imaginable to avoid those two things, needing everyone to see me in only a positive light, to like and respect me. Eventually, thru either a need within to tell people, or by being slightly outed at work, I came out to most, very slowly mind you.

I doubted I'd ever go out in public. This was mostly based on fear I think. I wanted to tho, kinda felt I had to too (safe place only, doc, therapy, group). As I continued doing so, experiencing no negatives, world not ending type thing, felt more comfortable, confident, happy doing so.

I'm currently undertaking another huge step; name change, and got massive doubts and fear creeping in yet again. Feels like a massive undertaking, and a scary and permanent step and all. I know how I feel about being called dude name tho, it bothers me, upsets me, depresses me, and if done in public (doc or something official like that), outs me, which I hate. I also feel really good when I'm miss'd and girl named yet I'm still worried.

So ya, I think doubts are normal and to be expected. We are undertaking a huge thing, venturing into the unknown, making life changing decisions that carry real life repercussions.

As to when they go away; for me they go away as I face em, as the unknown becomes known, as the different becomes the new normal. Here I am, basically full time (depends on your definition of ft, personally I call myself ft, some may not) female and for the most part, doubt free. I know how I am now, I know how I feel now about myself, and I can't for any reason see myself ever going back to where/how I was before.

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Ms Grace

I can only speak to my own experience, but yes the doubt did go away. I tried to transition for two years in my early 20s and in the end my doubt and many other reasons derailed that attempt. I kept my dysphoria packed down for another twenty years but now, having transitioned successfully (or at least in a way I feel is "successful") I no longer have any doubt. The only question I ask is why did it take me so long to get myself together?
Grace
----------------------------------------------
Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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LivingTheDream

Ha! I was just kinda thinking the same thing!

I guess one of the reasons I didn't do it earlier was cuz I really didn't know it was possible...I also think you kinda have to be mentally prepared to do so. Me personally, once I gained the knowledge that it was possible, and once I kinda reached that point mentally where I kinda didn't care what happened as a result of starting, and was at a point where I felt I kinda had nothing left to lose, starting was kind of a no brainer. While ofc I wish I knew about it and started earlier, but mentally I dunno if I would've been able to handle it.
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Denise

Quote from: LivingTheDream on March 19, 2016, 04:33:32 PM
... All of it ...

Quote from: LivingTheDream on March 19, 2016, 04:56:39 PM
...  I wish I knew about it and started earlier, but mentally I dunno if I would've been able to handle it.

If nothing else Susan's has taught me a few things. 
1) Nobody has a time machine (to look a few years in to the future)
2) We all have the same fears, doubts
3) We are all the same
4) We are all different


Quote from: Ms Grace on March 19, 2016, 04:38:41 PM
...  why did it take me so long to get myself together?

Ms Grace - I asked my therapist the exact question.  She said because the time wasn't right.  You are here now so the time is right now.
1st Person out: 16-Oct-2015
Restarted Spironolactone 26-Aug-2016
Restarted Estradiol Valerate: 02-Nov-2016
Full time: 02-Mar-2017
Breast Augmentation (Schechter): 31-Oct-2017
FFS (Walton in Chicago): 25-Sep-2018
Vaginoplasty (Schechter): 13-Dec-2018









A haiku in honor of my grandmother who loved them.
The Voices are Gone
Living Life to the Fullest
I am just Denise
  •  

AnonyMs

I'd describe myself as wanting to be female rather than being born in the wrong body.

I've been trying really hard not to transition, and everything I've done to avoid it has utterly failed. At best I've managed to go really slowly, and even that has caused me great difficulty. I have no doubt at all that where I am now is where I have to be. I'm absolutely sure I'm not capable of surviving otherwise.

I'm reaching the limits of medical transition without starting on social transition, and I'm unclear if I'll go to the next step, or what will happen if I do.

I tend not to think of it as having doubts, although I don't really know how socially transitioning would go. If transition works out badly, well, I know not transitioning was working out badly so its not like there was a lot of choice. Chances are it would be good though. I'm mainly trying to avoid practical problems it would possibly cause me.

I don't judge myself against other people. I learn what I need and do that, whatever it is. If is different to other people, so what. I recognize there's some validation on being the same as others, but I think its a misleading way of thinking. If that was of any real value I wouldn't be trans.
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CrysC

When you have those moments of doubt, just stop and think/remember what it was like before you did. 
At least, that's what I do.

Heck, I can also look at what clothes are on sale and just doing that reminds me that I'm sure not a male. 
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AnonyMs

Quote from: pj on March 19, 2016, 10:35:38 AM
I do know that when I temporarily got off the transition train I was a total wreck  after 45 days.  Not suicidal but just mad at the world.

Its only 45 days, what's the chance of transitioning being worse than the rest of your life like that?

I found the next step after not going forward is clinical depression. That's really really bad.

You've also only been around that cycle of starting and stopping once. I did it a few times and it just kept getting worse every time I stopped. That's what made my doubts go away in the end, not so much that transitioning is is right thing to do, but that not transitioning was the wrong thing. There are no other options except dying, and I'm not ready for that.

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Cindy

Like most of the women in this thread I was a late transitioner and somehow coped. I certainly was never happy, although I don't think I knew that. Yes depression at a clinical level that needed medication was normal for me. The nagging certainty that I am female but couldn't live my life as me. But I coped for a variety of reasons.

When the elastic band of despair finally snapped and I transitioned it was certainly hard, I had continual doubts but I knew it was right.

Now, what 3 or so years after becoming the real me I now know what happiness is and why I never knew I was unhappy before I know realise that I had never been happy.

Here I am baking lunch for guests tomorrow, bopping around my kitchen, listening to music and feeling utterly wonderful.

Have the doubts gone away?

Oh Yes.
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April_marrie

Omg your poor hormonal feedback loop   Heeeee i have done the slow herbal way and well i look fem and have boobs i think girl  and stick ya gatekeepers where u found em


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April_marrie

And btw NO the doudts never go away


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Kulena

When I start to doubt my self I look photos of me having my hair curled make up done and in a drees and I see how happy I em, and I've never been so happy in my life and it feels so right. Then I have no more doubts
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JoanneB

My first several years I had doubts, as well as plenty WTF am I Doing??? meltdowns. Even today, a good 6 years later, I do have doubts. One of my almost daily affirmations is "I Know What Does NOT Work". I had spent 40+ years doing things one way slowly devolving into a lifeless soulless Thing. Overall, by every angle I am a far happier person. Yet I still live and present as male.

The one doubt I do not have is starting this journey has enabled me to become a far better and far far happier and healthier person.

I also have doubts about my doubts. Are the doubts due to my internalized transphobia? Do the bad experiences from two failed experiments at transitioning when I was young, stupid and especially ill prepared, back in my 20's still haunt me? Oh yeah! Just as the my life up to the 20's sucked being a big fat target still haunt me. But.... is it THAT bad, the GD?

The stuff hangovers are made of  :(
.          (Pile Driver)  
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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JustOneQuestion

Doubts, or insecurities? Insecurities is something everyone struggles with and it is normal to have them. The dysphoria is for a big part a mindset. Not one you choose for but one you can adjust.

Most trans people don't just want to be born in the correct body, they want to be beautiful and they confuse dysphoria doubts with regular wishes.

You might wish you had smaller hands because that be prettier, but you simple are a woman with larger hands. You are not too tall to be a woman. You are a tall woman.  No one is too 'ugly' to be, but we all want to be prettier. Point is you are what you are and it is you who has to believe that for it to come across for others.

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Denise

Quote from: JustOneQuestion on March 26, 2016, 11:23:15 AM
Insecurities is something everyone struggles with and it is normal to have them. The dysphoria is for a big part a mindset. Not one you choose for but one you can adjust.

Most trans people don't just want to be born in the correct body, they want to be beautiful and they confuse dysphoria doubts with regular wishes.

... and more...

I disagree with what you interpret "doubt" to be.  It's not insecurities.  I'm only a little bit away from total passing.  I'm 5'7" 140 lbs.  I'm in shape and with a little help up top from hormones (starting in 8 weeks) I'll be very comfortable. 

My doubt is all the hurt I'm about to lay on others.  The chance of "I should have just lived with it" or "I should have been strong enough to handle it."  Insecurities and Doubt about transitioning are VERY different.
1st Person out: 16-Oct-2015
Restarted Spironolactone 26-Aug-2016
Restarted Estradiol Valerate: 02-Nov-2016
Full time: 02-Mar-2017
Breast Augmentation (Schechter): 31-Oct-2017
FFS (Walton in Chicago): 25-Sep-2018
Vaginoplasty (Schechter): 13-Dec-2018









A haiku in honor of my grandmother who loved them.
The Voices are Gone
Living Life to the Fullest
I am just Denise
  •  

JustOneQuestion

But I do not think those thoughts stay forever because you will go trough it and eventually know how well it went, and OP asked if the doubts go away. Those do.
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amoeba

Quote from: JoanneB on March 25, 2016, 07:38:28 PM
One of my almost daily affirmations is "I Know What Does NOT Work". I had spent 40+ years doing things one way slowly devolving into a lifeless soulless Thing.

Wow, that is powerful, that really speaks to me. Thanks so much for sharing.
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