not a suicide note

[evadenzin]

right now, i was supposed to write my suicide note BUT i thought it's pointless to kill yourself first and then tell the people what your problem was. so, i decided to tell my problem before dying.

here are the problems:
1. i was dfab, so i am forced to live as a girl but i am not a girl, i am a boy (i am talking about gender here). i am done living as some other person. i want to be myself.
2. ever since my family moved to this new city, i've been confined within my house for more than 3 years. i am not even allowed to go to the rooftop. my family is keeping me as a secret from the world, because i am intersexed.
3. one of my siblings sexually abused me during my childhood. i hate them and i really really cannot live with them under the same roof. whenever i see that face it brings back bad memories.

i had planned to get away from my family, move to another country and be free. one month ago when i got my passport i set a deadline that, one way or the other, i will free myself within a month. the deadline ends today and i am going to kill myself tomorrow.

why 'get out of this country'? i don't have time to explain it but just know that i am in pakistan.
the major issue is that i cannot find a way to get a visitor visa. i don't have enough money to show to the visa officer that i can afford the trip. bla bla bla....

in short, i wanna be free. so i am going to kill myself tomorrow. i have made all the arrangements. i don't wanna die but i don't have any reason to live either. GIVE ME SOME REASON NOT TO DIE. things like hope, faith etc won't work here, i am a rationalist (intj). i lost faith in religion and god a long time ago.
p.s. there are no suicide prevention helplines here.

[SanaRinomi]

There's no good in killing yourself! Your not going to make yourself happy nor anyone else! You may think that your alone in the world and to be honest I'd hate to be in your situation! But think of the people that have it worse. They're are trying to survive in the worst possible circumstances! And yet you are here talking about suicide! There are possibly people that have been in your certain situation. I mean it is the internet.

                                                                               Love, Sarina!

[DanielleA]

From what I can tell, you have already given yourself a reason to live on. And that is your need to be a boy. Use that give you purpose. I really hope that you speak to your parents. My thoughts are with you.

[zirconia]

Evadenzin,

From your words, you must feel incredible pain. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be denied your freedom, not only to be yourself, but also that of physical movement. To be forced to live under the same roof with some whose very sight hurts you can only make it worse.

You ask for a reason not to die. All I can say to you is that I don't want you to die. Although I haven't met you, it would make me sad.
 

[SanaRinomi]

I've been panicking all day hoping you don't commit suicide. I am not joking!
Don't, whatever you do, just don't commit suicide! hope the following quotes help (Quotes have helped people in times they didn't want to go though because they were full of truth)!

"When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long." – Unknown

"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better." – Unknown

"If you are looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it." – Unknown (Completely agree that if you are looking for a sign not to kill yourself, you looking is the sign!?

"Anyone desperate enough for suicide should be desperate enough to go to creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try." – Richard Bach

"The real reason for not committing suicide is because you always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over." – Ernest Hemingway

"Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You're alive for a reason so don't ever give up." – Unknown

"The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand ... Why?" – Clark (2001)

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." - Unknown

"Never never never give up." – Winston Churchill

"Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." – Harriet Beecher Stowe

"Happiness is something that comes into our lives through doors we don't even remember leaving open." – Rose Lane

"Think of all the beauty that's still left in and around you and be happy!" – Anne Frank (And this is a girl from hitlers reign)

"When it is darkest, we can see the stars." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Please don't commit the terrible act of killing ones self!

P.s. I have found a suicide prevention helpline! Here it is: 04235761999
      It's open from 9 AM to 3 PM (Pakistani times I think!)

                                                                             Love, Your friend Sarina!

[FreyasRedemption]

Dying never solves anything. Killing yourself means that you would be giving up on everything you've ever cared about.
You want out of there? Set that deadline further away, and use every moment you can to plan it out. Prepare for every outcome you can think of, and improvise if something ends up going wrong.  How far you are willing to go to get that freedom? I don't know, and it's up for you to decide. You seem to be willing to die, yet you still want that freedom, and you still want to be male. You shouldn't be thinking about suicide. What you should be doing is putting all of your energy into getting what you need. What do you have to lose? Your life? You seem to be willing to give up on it if things don't get better. So if death is that meaningless compared to what you've had to endure so far, why not fight back until you either succeed or die?
Set the deadline further. You have time. Plan it out. Once you get what you need, and when you feel like you're ready, or that you should be ready at that time, set that plan into motion and give it all you've got.


I care about you. I don't want for you get hurt any more. And I don't want you to die. That is why I am asking for you to survive for now, and to give yourself some more time, a chance, to actually get out of there. It's not impossible.

[SanaRinomi]

Dying never solves anything. Killing yourself means that you would be giving up on everything you've ever cared about.
You want out of there? Set that deadline further away, and use every moment you can to plan it out. Prepare for every outcome you can think of, and improvise if something ends up going wrong.  How far you are willing to go to get that freedom? I don't know, and it's up for you to decide. You seem to be willing to die, yet you still want that freedom, and you still want to be male. You shouldn't be thinking about suicide. What you should be doing is putting all of your energy into getting what you need. What do you have to lose? Your life? You seem to be willing to give up on it if things don't get better. So if death is that meaningless compared to what you've had to endure so far, why not fight back until you either succeed or die?
Set the deadline further. You have time. Plan it out. Once you get what you need, and when you feel like you're ready, or that you should be ready at that time, set that plan into motion and give it all you've got.


I care about you. I don't want for you get hurt any more. And I don't want you to die. That is why I am asking for you to survive for now, and to give yourself some more time, a chance, to actually get out of there. It's not impossible.

She is completely right! Don't give up believe in whatever you want to believe, because this community believes in every one of it's members and that includes you!

                                                                        Love, Sarina!

[FTMDiaries]

Here's a reason not to die: several countries, including Britain, accept asylum applications from LGBT Pakistanis, on the grounds that you face persecution in your home country for being LGBT. We have a large Pakistani community here in the UK so our immigration officials are very aware of the sort of things you're probably experiencing. Please, don't do anything to harm yourself until you've investigated all these options. One of them could be your salvation, and then you can be free to live the life you deserve. Have you contacted the local embassies of countries that have LGBT-friendly asylum policies?

If you make a successful application for asylum, you won't need to afford visitor visas or plane trips or accommodation or anything: the relevant Embassy or High Commission would arrange everything for you. Our asylum system is set up for cases just like yours: for people who are in desperate need to escape persecution, but who don't have the means to move out of the country on their own.

I fully appreciate the danger you're in, having been assigned female at birth in Pakistan. I acknowledge the kind of power your family is exercising over you, and how very difficult it might be to enjoy the personal freedoms we have here in the West. I have a couple of friends of Pakistani origin or descent who are in the process of transitioning right here in the UK, including a couple of FtM guys. Their families (who live here) have reacted as you might predict them to react and most of them have had to leave home, but they're living their lives and are looking forward to their futures.

You could too. Please don't give up on yourself when there's still a chance you could make it. There is still hope.

Here's some useful information on how to apply for asylum in the UK if you're LGBT, and it will also tell you how to go about it from Pakistan so you don't have to make your way here first. Please read it and contact the High Commission in Islamabad. It's got to be worth an email for phone call, right?